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March 9, 2003 Dear Diary, WOW! I feel so much better today! By the Grace of God I feel GOOD! Let me tell you about my day! I got up this morning and for whatever reason decided that I wanted to go out. I finally took a shower and got dressed. BTW, I've lost a lot of weight this past week. Still have not eaten anything to speak of... a couple of pieces of bread, and coffee coffee coffee! Anyway, I got dressed and headed out. It was actually a pretty day. I didn't even need a real coat. I drove for a few minutes, and asked God to take me somewhere. He did, Praise Him! I ended up at the home of Reverend Cosmos. This is the Reverend that not only married Steven and myself, but taught Steven and his brother and sister Sunday school when they were children. They were sad by what I told them, and they told me to have faith. They prayed with me, and made me feel better. Then I started to ask them about a church I could attend, as Reverend Cosmos has retired. He directed me to The Christian Fellowship Center, which I have driven by everyday. I decided to go by and just see if I could talk to someone. Well, again, but the Grace of God, I arrived just as it was starting, and there was a man standing at the door that put his arm around me and welcomed me. He introduced me to Sister Grace, who is the Pastors wife. She hugged me and brought me in. I thought everyone would look at me strange, like "Who is this stranger butting into our worship?" I was wrong. Many many people turned to me and said hi and asked me my name. I immediately felt very comfortable. Sister Grace led me to a pew towards the front, and I sat. The sermon was practically written for me. It was about prayers, and the power of it, and how much God loves us, and never leaves us. Oh, and get this... the choir? A rock band! With electric guitars and keyboards and everything! They still sang Christian music, like "I Life Your Name on High" and others but I was able to relate to it so well. Then they sang a song called "You Will Make It Through", and the lady sitting next to me turned to me and just said "See, you'll make it through this." I was flabbergasted. Then they asked if anyone had any prayer requests. I actually got up, in front of room full of people that I did not know, and went to the front. A woman prayed with me, and cried with me, and told me that she loved me. Talk about tears! I was a wreck again, but it was a good wreck. You know what it felt like? It felt like I was a teenager that had run away from home because I thought I could make it on my own. And then I realized that I missed my family and went back. I was home again, though I had never been there. I was most definitely in my Fathers house. That sense of release that a person in that situation would feel was how I felt. Like I was home, and no matter what, I was safe. That night I went home and I felt soooooooooooo good! I was dancing around the house, and I knew that for as long as I could help it, I would not miss another day of church. As a matter of fact, I was thirsty for more, and made plans to attend the prayer group on Tuesday and the Bible study on Wednesday. When Steven came over to drop Jacob off I was dancing with my dog in the living room, singing "No More Drama!" Steven still did not look at me directly. I did tell him at one point, "Look at me when you are speaking to me." He tried, but it didn't last long. Then he kind of irked me... okay, not kind of... he pissed me off. He told me that he would not be able to take Jacob on the weekends anymore because it was, and I quote "too much of a hassle at his dads house." Okay, and I am supposed to feel sorry for him? Excuse me, but my whole life right now is one big hassle because of the choice that he made! And it's too much of a hassle for him to have his son? Jacob has never done anything for that man but love him with all of his little heart, and try to please him... and it's too much of a hassle? Yea, my heart bleeds for ya pal...NOT If I find out that it's a hassle to take Jacob because he is going to be in Connecticut with HER, then I will truly be indignant. Now he's choosing her over my son... HIS SON? Oh, Lord, please don't let that be the case. That will make me mad again. Okay, I need to stop thinking about that right now, cuz I am starting to fume. Until Tomorrow, Me
Monday March 10, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, so I'm not so tough today. Just talking on the phone to Steven broke my heart. In person he acts like he can't stand me, and on the phone he acts like there is not a problem in the world. I swear that it feels like I could, and sometimes I should end the call with, "Okay babe, I love you." I had asked him that first day if I could still tell him I loved him. He told me only if it would not bother me that he did not say it back. I told him that it would bother me that he didn't say it back, but that it would bother me more not to tell him. I did THAT like three times... I found that the "Yep, okay," and "Thanks,' and the deafening silence was worse that I thought. So, I feel it, but I don't say it anymore. Anyway, he had told me last week that he was going to be here on Tuesday to pick up some more of his personal things. So I asked him today if he would be here tomorrow. He acted like I just pulled that out of my hat. I reminded him that he mentioned it first, and he was like "Yea, whatever... I'll be there after work tomorrow." Needless to say, I cried when we got off the phone. Jacob's going to figure something is the matter sooner or later. How do you explain my running into my room and shutting the door every time I talk to his dad? All I can think of is when he is all grown up telling someone "My mom cried all the time after my dad left." I don't know, but that's not a memory I want him to have of me. I must continue to pray to God for His guidance and strength in this, because the longer this goes on, the weaker I become.Until Later, Me
Tuesday March 11, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, this roller coaster ride that has become my life is making me nauseous. I did not ask for this in any way shape or form, yet here I am a basket case. I don't know weather to laugh or cry half of the time, and daggummit, but it seems like it gets harder! I woke up this morning with the newfound energy. I had prayed all night long. When I tossed and turned during the night, and woke up in the middle of it, I just laid there and prayed again. So, anywho, I have this energy, and I feel good. I have that too bad for him attitude. I decide that I am going to rearrange my whole house, and most importantly, clear out his game room, and make it into a den. (It kills to walk past his room and not see him sitting at his desk) So, at 7 am this morning I start rearranging my bedroom. I set it up so that one side of the bed was against the wall (my old side) and his side is open. That is now where I am sleeping. Don't ask me why it makes me feel better, but it does. Now I don't have to look over and not see him in the bed. I just look over and see that my side is empty. So the bedrooms all done. My friend Brenda and her sister Karen came over to help me. It was pretty comical with the three of us trying to lug around all this heavy furniture, but we did. Brenda and I broke my living room VCR, but I will forever maintain that it is Steven's fault. He tends to be like Tim Allen from Home Improvement with his tools, and he used his drill with some kind of attachment to screw the cable wire into the VCR... so neither Brenda or I could loosen it. We tried, but it was connected so tight that we only ended up snapping off the whole thing. Oh well, what can I do? I'm not much in the mood lately for watching movies anyway, and if I get into the mood, well, there's always the DVD player. (There goes watching my wedding video anymore.) So, Karen and I start rearranging Steven's room. He told me I could keep all of the furniture. I asked him if that meant the spare television also. He said, "Well, my mom bought me both of those TV's, don't you think I should get to keep one of them?" I reminded him that I bought him the TV in his game room two Christmases ago. He said that I could keep the big TV in the living room, cuz he would, and again, I quote "feel shitty for taking the big one." I wanted to ask him, "So you would feel that way for taking the television, but not for walking out on your wife and son... okay, I'm starting to see a priority structure here, and I am not liking it." Anyway, we clear all of his personal stuff out, and plop it in the dining room. I had the cable company come and set up the internet in there for us (Me and Jacob) and was going to set our computers up in there to make it our family den. When I told Steven about that yesterday on the phone, he just kept asking why? I wanted to say "What difference does it make, it's my house," but I didn't." Steven came over to get some of his things. And I was kewl; even though I cried the two times he called me earlier. That was to set up a time and day when we could get together with his aunt to divide up the bills (I soooooooo don't want to do that.) We went into the living room, and he told me that he was going to let his pay go into the joint checking account this payday, but t on the next payday it would go into his private checking account. I told him that I went to the DOR website, and filled out the worksheet for child support, and he will have to pay me $220 per week. He about chocked. Hey, that's what happens when you make the money you make and walk out on your unemployed wife. Tsk Tsk Tsk. He then went into Jacob's room to see if I connected the PlayStation 2 correctly. There was an extra wire there, and Steven proceeds to whine, "That's why women should leave electronics alone. You broke the VCR; you didn't hook this up right. Leave the electronics to the men." I couldn't resist. "Excuse me, but there is NO MAN here, so a woman HAD to do it." He just looked at me like I had 3 heads. Come to find out, that extra wire was just that... an extra. I had connected it right. So there! After that he seemed to have an attitude. He didn't say much, but sorta just blew threw the dinning room grabbing what he could fit into his car of his stuff. Jacob really didn't converse with his, he was too busy playing on the computer, and I wanted to see what kind of effort Steven would make to be with him. Very little, just a "Bye buddy. I'll come by tomorrow to get you and we can go out." Tomorrow being the day we are supposed to do the bill thing. He left, and as has been par for the course, I ran into my room and cried. At least I was calm cool and collected while he was here. After I had a good cry, and Jacob went to bed, Brenda and I sat in my newly decorated dining room drinking coffee and having a real heart to heart. I told her about a couple of things that God had revealed to me. One was the night before when I was in bed talking to God. I asked him the usual "What did I do wrong God, why is this happening?" And honest to goodness, these pictures started running through my mind. Pictures of times when with Steven I treated him badly. Not mean, but like I knew and had all the answers, and he was just too dumb to see them. He even said to me one time "Do you always have to try to make me look like a fool?" I saw times when I would criticize his interaction with Jacob, and question his motives. I saw many situations where I was like that. I told Brenda that I prayed to be forgiven for acting haughty, and wished I could tell Steven about what I realized. I also told her that while I was in my bedroom, moving things, I asked God to talk to me. I talked with him in my head, and sometimes out loud. I told him to please just bring Steven home, and I will do everything in my power to make him happy, and treat him the way he deserves. I heard God ask, "Would you forgive him?" I started crying,” Yes, Lord, I already have forgiven him. I just want him in my life as my husband again." Brenda and I also shared some personality traits about each other that bugged us. We've been friends for almost 12 years, and we were just now getting around to that kind of heart to heart. I also learned something today. It's called Marriage Restoration. Its premise is that God hates divorce, as stated in Matt Chapter 19, verses 3 through 12. It teaches you to have faith that God wants your spouse to come home, and as long as you have that faith, it will happen. It also reminds you thatGod's time is not your time, but it will happen. The sites that I have visited have been very helpful, and I do have faith. I was afraid before to ask God to do His will, because, well, what if his will was for Steven to stay gone? I couldn't handle that thought. But now I see that is not the case. When Steven and I took vows before God, we became one flesh, and no man (or woman) can take that apart. I just have to continue to pray for Steven, that God can open his heart to him, and everything else will one-day fall into place. Praise The Lord! This is not something I want to believe... this is something I know! I understand there will be painful days, but I am getting much better at giving it to God. Every time I cry, I pray, and soon after, the tears are gone, and the hurt. I think tonight will be a good night, as I feel a sort of peace. Until Tomorrow, Me
Wednesday March 12, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay today was what I would call a blah day. Not too much emotion either way. Still I am praying, and learning more about Marriage Restoration. I have decided that I want to do two things with this time that God has given me. One, I am going to redo my website. Complete overhaul. It's now going to be about who I am, what my family is going through, and how we make it. How God brings us through. I have also decided that I am finally going to write that book I have always wanted to write. It's going to be about my life, from that very first memory I have of being in the stroller, rolling down the hill with my grandmother chasing me! LOL. It's going to tell all of my secrets, and how God never ever left me. How I always had faith, and no matter what, He came through. I really feel like this is something God wants me to do. I mean, here I am, a Christian, but I don't think many people have the right picture of what that is. I mean, I am a regular person. I don't walk around thumping a Bible or preaching to everyone. I simply find a place to give them the words that God gives me, in a way that hopefully they understand. I remember one time when I was living in New Jersey, while Steven was out to sea. There was a very young girl there name Crystal. She was about 17, and married to a very young sailor that was out to sea as well. She had a little tiny baby, and felt so alone. I met her at a support group meeting. One day she was at my house, and she was crying, asking me why God was letting her have this pain, why did she hurt so much? Now, I had never thought of it before, but at that moment, I knew what to say to her. "Crystal, your baby does not understand why his mother, that loves him, holds him down while the doctors hurt him and give him shots. He cannot comprehend that right now. But you as his mother know that he has to experience that for his own protection, right? It's the same thing with God... we may not know the who's or why's, but we know it's because He loves us. Just think, Jacob does not yet understand why he can't play in the middle of the street... but I know why. And when it comes down to the crunch, it doesn't matter that he doesn't know why, only that he not do it. For his protection, because I love him. That's what God feels for you, but so much more, because he can love so much more than I." So, now that I am totally off track, I am going to redo my web site, and write a book. "Broken Hearted, Soul Restored". Waddya think? LOL... if you talk back to me, I'm outta here! I went shopping today, to get a few things for the house. A couple of plants, a rug for Jacob's room and few other small things. Shopping depressed me. As soon as I walked into Wal-Mart, I looked at the men's section. Now I never went shopping without buying something for Steven, be it a shirt, a game, or a can of cashews. Well, seeing the men's clothes, and realizing that I could not buy him something really bummed me out. Then I was bummed when I got home, because after I used to go shopping, I would run home, and Steven would look at everything I bought, and tell me what he thought. And then I would give him what I bought for him. Today I just came home and laid the bags on the table. Then I laid down and prayed. He's coming over tomorrow for the bill thing. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I can't really explain why, I just don't. He mentioned the other day that during the "proceedings" it would be easier if we had the bills all figured out, or else they would just split everything. I started to tell him there would be no proceedings. But I didn't. I don't care who says what, I am not signing any divorce papers. Period. If he wants it that badly, he will have to fight for it, and get a judge to just declare it. I am NOT giving in on that. Period, end of story. Until Tomorrow, Me
Thursday March 13, 2003 Dear Diary, Can you give me a WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and PRAISE THE LORD! *Doing the happy dance!* God has shown me that he is working on it. All of the literally thousands of prayers, from people all over the world have reached him, and He will be intervening. I know a person that maybe does not have the faith that I have might think I am a bit nuts, but that's okay. I am nuts for Jesus! (Corney, I know) Anyway, here's the scoop. I sat around here all day long, praying and learning more and more about Marriage Restoration. I prayed and prayed. I was dreading the nighttime, when Steven and Aunt Rhea would show up, so that we could 'divide our liabilities". I just felt like taking that step would bring us one step closer to being apart. I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT! And I wont be doing it tonight. YIPPEE!! Thank You Lord! At 6PM no one showed up. I sat in the living room, praying about the upcoming night, and waiting. At 6:45 Steven called and said he did not know where Aunt Rhea was, and that she would probably not want to do it so late if she was just getting out of work. Again, I remained calm, and sort of dis-interested. "Okay, whatever." Feed him back his own line, tee hee hee. He said he would check with her and see if we could do it tomorrow, and if not, we'll get it done some other time. Neener Neener Neener... Stand behind me Satan, you have no power here! See, Aunt Rhea is normally very reliable... in the least she would have called. But she didn't until about an hour ago. She did get home late, and had a rough day and just wanted to relax. You relax Aunty, and have a cup of tea on me! When Steven and I got off the phone I was literally doing the happy dance, whatever that may be. Just jumping around, being happy I guess. Jacob asked me why I was doing that, and I told him it was because Steven wasn't coming over. He looked at me and almost started to cry... "But I wanted Daddy to come over." I hugged him and told him I knew that, and not to worry, that daddy would be here tomorrow, but tonight it was just too late. I told him I was so happy because that meant that I could go to bed early. No need giving him too many details, he's only 9 after all. This is my sign, not that I asked for one... but it's still God's way of telling me he is in control. It was after this that I realized also that the past three times I have had to call someone for customer service, (Comcast Cable, AT&T Wireless, and Sears) all of the representatives names have been Steve. Co-inky-dink? I think not... others might think so, but I know what my faith is telling me. Now I realize this does not mean that I may never have to this, and that's okay. I just know that's its God's will to heal this, and make it better. My time is not his time, and he is blessing me with patience. So tonight will be a good night! I am doing some research on fasting, as I think I will fast tomorrow, and pray, to affirm my faith, and offer up my prayers. Good night, Me
Friday March 14, 2003 OY! What a day, what a horrible, miserable day! Okay, maybe a bit extreme, but seriously, not an easy day! I woke up this morning knowing that I was going to fast. Before bed last night I had decided that I also would not smoke all day (I really need to quit). I thought the not smoking would be easy, as I had no more cigarettes. Well, not eating or drinking was okay at first. Remember, I STILL have not eaten like I should... a bit more, but not enough. I go to the fridge to get some water, and what do I see... everything in there that's makes my mouth water. This is the same flippin food that I have been looking at for the past almost 2 weeks. Now it looks good! Every time I turned around someone was mentioning food, and I wanted it so badly! I have not wanted food in two weeks, and have only forced myself to eat! Now I want it? Then, I go to get into my car to go pay for my sons birthday party, and what do I find? A pack of cigarettes. Now I am trying to justify just one cigarette. But I didn't do it. I knew I had made a promise to God, and would follow through. Same way he made a promise to us in the Bible, and will come through. "Ask, and ye shall receive. Have but only faith, and it is yours." But now I was getting mad, and yelling at Satan in my car! I said, "Look! The more you try to tempt me, the more I know that you don't want me to succeed, and the more I am determined to do it, because that means that God does, so MESS OFF!" Then I started crying... everything made me cry... I guess Satan realized that what he was trying to do to me was not working, so he came with a different approach. All that did was make me pray more... so what my nose was stuffy, I still prayed. I made it through the day with no food by design, and no smoking. Praise The Lord! I did a lot of lying in my bed, and praying and talking to God and Jesus. I also had another sign today. I was driving back from Fall River, crying. And this van cuts out in front of me on 195. I was mumbling under my breath, when all of a sudden I saw what the van said. "RESTORATION". I almost went off of the road! If it had said Steve's Restoration, I think I would have... maybe that's why God didn't put that in my path! LOL Now, what kind of restoration this van did, I have not a clue... I have either never seen, or ever heard of a company around here with that name, and that was truly the first time I had seen a van with that word on it. God is with me. Steven came and got Jacob at about 6PM. I of course, cried when I got off the phone with him. Jacob finally asked me what was the matter. I told him I just get sad when I talk to daddy. He wanted to know why. I said, "Because I miss him and want him to come home." He looked at me and told me not to worry, that he would be home one day. He said it like I was a big doof for thinking otherwise. When Steven came up, he finally knocked even though he was walking in while doing it. I can't ask for his key back. I told him when he left that this would always be his home, and I meant it. And besides, it makes me feel good that he feels like he can walk in. that maybe a part of him still feels like this is home. And dagnabit, I cried while he was here!!!!! Didn't want to do that! But I couldn't help it. Not fall down crying, just tears running down my face. I was standing in the doorway of our bedroom, watching Jacob put his coat on to leave. Jacob came over to say bye, and I hugged him and told him to be good. And they left without Steven even saying a word to me. Steven did not come back upstairs after that. I think it was because he cannot handle the guilt he feels when he sees me like that. Tell me, do you feel guilt when you know what you have done is the right thing? Me neither. Jacob said that he told him he would see him on Monday. Hello? Okay, so he can't sleep over, but now the only two days that you both have totally off, and you'll see him on Monday? I don't even want to think what I am thinking. But I will tell you this. I have started to keep precise track of the time Steven spends with Jacob, and when he calls him. What I am going to do with this, I don't know... maybe show it to him when I finally have had enough and call him on it. This is so not the man I know. Good night, Me
Saturday March 15, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, today was a very relaxed day. Neither Jacob nor I even got out of our pajamas! We both just hung around the house and talked and he played his roller coaster game on his computer, and I worked on my web site. As a matter of fact, have you noticed a change of outfits? You are now on the World Wide Web Baby! :) There are a couple of points of interest about today though. The first is regarding Jacob. I have always always always instilled a knowledge of God and Jesus in him. We read from his Bible a lot, and I tell him things like "God would not like to hear you talk like that." or "You never have to be afraid, because ever if we're not here, God will always be with you." I have started working a daily prayer in with him too. We pray in the car before he gets out for school. I told him how the other day I had prayed for one little boy to stop picking on him, and he said it worked, but that I should not even bother with two other children, because it wont work. I told him, no, it won’t if you don't have faith. He said he didn't know what that was. Again, God gave me the words. "What happens when you turn a light switch on?" "Don't be silly Muma, the light goes on." I said "And how do you know?" "Well, because that's they way it works, it just does it because it was made that way." I said, "That is what faith is. You just know that God is listening, and helping you. That's the way it works, because that's the way he made it." He said he understood, but I am not sure. But tonight at about 10:30 (I let him stay up until 11 on the weekends) he was playing his game, and getting very excited because he was building a park that was about to win an award. Thing is, for as long as he's been playing it, he could never ever get that award and move on. So he turns to me and says, "Pray with me Muma." And he takes my hand. "Dear Lord, please please please let me get this. Please Lord. I will be soooo thankful if I get this. Amen." And he sat there and got all worked up for about 5 minutes, and he got the award! He was so happy! He did the happy dance that I taught him. "Thank you Lord, thank you" he said while he looked up at the ceiling! "God did it Muma! He did it!" I hugged him and told him SEE! You had faith! It's funny, because I was exactly his age when God became real to me. I had always said my prayers like a good little girl, but it was more like something I HAD to do, with brushing my teeth and taking a bath. But this one night, when I was nine and staying with my Aunt Ellen and Uncle Rubin, I asked if I could go on a field trip the next day with my class to Philadelphia. My Uncle Rubin said no way, no how, no no no no. I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to go so badly. But he could not get in touch with my dad to see if it was okay, and he would not let me go. I went to bed that night, and prayed the hardest I had ever prayed. I begged God to make Uncle Rubin change his mind. Begged and begged and begged. Then I promised him that if He made Uncle Rubin change his mind I would never ever beg him for another thing in my life. Well, don't you know, when I got up the next morning, Uncle Rubin told me he had thought about it, and he would let me go! I was amazed! And excited! God did it! He came through! I was going on the field trip! I didn’t think much about the never begging for anything again for a long time. I guess it never occurred to me that there would be many other things that would be worthy of my begging for. To this day I have not begged. I have said things like "I am coming as close to begging Lord, as I can, without actually begging. " LOL I walked around with my class that day, looking up a lot. I was amazed that there really was someone up there watching me! How cool is that? And that was the begging of my real faith. I hope that was born in Jacob tonight. My other observation is not so nice. After Jacob calmed down from winning his award, he wanted to call daddy to tell him. I tried to convince him to wait until tomorrow, but Jacob wasn't having it. So, because I knew what my gut said, I dialed Jen's number. Jacob got the answering machine but refused to leave a message. He wanted me to do it, but I didn't. When I hung up the phone, he asked my why I couldn't do him that one little favor. So, fine, I'll do it. I picked up the phone and dialed her number again. Steven answered. I just handed the phone to Jacob, and while he regaled daddy with his new award status, I fumed! He did just what I hoped he would not do. He gave up time with his son to be with her! I mean, it wouldn't even be so bad if she lived in this state, but two states away? He chose her over his son... this from a man that feels cheated because his father was never a daddy? This from the man that said nothing would change his relationship with his son? Well, no, if the relationship is all in your head, it will never change you jerk! Well, I guess he made her bed, and now he chooses to lie in it! Harrumph! God, forgive me, and open my heart to forgiveness as well. And a peaceful good night to you too! Me
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Since March 12, 2003 |
