 |
|
 |
| Sunday
March 2, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, I'm not quit sure where to begin. Steven is gone. He took all of his clothes with him. The other 2 times, I had a level of certainty that he would be back, but this time feels different for some reason. Part of that reasonI know is the fact that I am mad! How many times does he think he can keep doing this too me? I actually started tossing things into his game room, as if to say, "Fine, you wanna leave, then get out." Of course, my heart was not in it. I just don't understand. We never fight, at least not big fights. Like his cousin and her husband, about drinking and partying and things like that. He said he never loved me. That all the time we have spent together he knew he never loved me. He loves Jen. Man do I wish she did not exist! I cannot believe what he said about never loving me. Steven is not that good of a liar. At least the Steven I know. He lets things fester in his mind, and then they control him. He has always done that. That's what I think happened this time. I'll give him some time to cool down, and then maybe we can talk. Jeeze, I hope so. As mad as I am, I love him, and Jacob loves him. Jacob's birthday party is tonight. Hopefully Steven will show up. Maybe we can talk then. Until Later, Me Later ... Well, Steven did show up at the party, and now I am devastated. He did not even talk to me. He acted like he hated me, like I had done something terrible to him. It broke my heart to have to be there with him, and not be able to approach him. He walked past me like I was a stranger, not someone that has shared his life with him for the past 14 years. I couldn't stand it. Everyone knew I was upset, and they all kept asking me what was wrong. Finally I told Jacob that I had a really bad headache and that I was going to leave, but that his aunt Nenda would bring him home. He was fine with that as he doesn't know anything, or if he does, he's not telling. I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight. Though I will probably cry myself to sleep. Me
Monday March 3, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, now I don't know what to do. I think I am back to being angry! Steven was supposed to be staying at his fathers house, but he never showed up there last night, and now he has not gone to work. He told his dad that he was going to be driving around. Driving around where! And if this is so flippin' cut and dry, why drive around and think about it? Be happy with your choice. I feel like he is being really selfish right now. And I can promise you that he doesn't even have a clue that people, besides me, are worried about him. His sister and me were calling hospitals this morning. This is just not like him to just take off. I really think he is having some kind of issue with something. I think he has too many thoughts running around his mind, and he doesn't know how to sort through them. He told me yesterday that Jen was his true love. How in the heck do I get over that one? His true love. My heart is absolutely broken. For as much as I've been through, and as much as we have overcome, I don't see how I am going to stand up from this knock down. I really don't. According to him, the past 14 years of my life have been nothing but a lie. I don't want to believe that, but if he can do thins to me, what else can I believe? He even told me that the times that we made love were merely his 'attempt' to connect with me. Okay, I am crying now. Until Later, Me Later... NOW I AM LIVID! He is at that witches house! The flippin nerve of him! This is what he wants? He wants to leave his wife and son for another woman! I am so mad. I'm going to her house. He doesn't think I can find her, or where she lives in Connecticut, but don't UNDERESTIMATE ME BUDDY! Oh man, she better run, because if I get my hands around her neck, I will not let go! Me
Tuesday March 4, 2003 Dear Diary, Even though it's a new day, it feels like the same day to me, as I have not slept. I spent the whole night driving to Jens house and being at her house, and driving home. Thankfully, I calmed down a lot during the 2 1/2 hour drive there, and also, that I warned her before I got there, so Steven could head out. I honestly don't know what I would have done had he been there when I showed up. She lied to me the whole time I was there, and played the sickeningly sweet concerned person. I want to puke. I played it too though, so I'll puke twice! He wants her? She smokes pot, she goes out drinking. And he f*cking wants her! Mr. Straight And Narrow! I am so angry. You cannot imagine the rage I have. I swear that I could kill her, or myself. No, but doing that would make her a martyr in some sick way, and if I die, she wins. Poo on that. I did call the Navy Legal office and made an appointment. I'll start this ball rolling, and because I got the military lawyer first, he'll just have to suck wind and find, and PAY for his own! So, if he wants a divorce, he can have one. I will rake him over the coals and back again! I told him when he left that I would never do anything to harm his relationship with Jacob, but let me tell you, that's is going to take some control. I want to just run through the house screaming at the top of my lungs what a jerk his is! So, he better step up to the plate, and play the best weekend daddy he can. He chose this, not me! Freaking jerk!!!!!!!!!!!! Later, Me Later... Dear Diary, I can't deal with this. I really can't. I wish I were still mad, because it was easier when I was mad. Now I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. I cannot even fathom going another day like this. How can a person function like this? I can hardly stand up and walk. Never mind face the day. Steven told me today that he only wants to be my friend, nothing more, and there is no chance that we can change this. He sounded so sure. And he told me that him and Jen may never have a real relationship, but because he loves her so much, just knowing that she is alive and happy makes him happy. He said that he doesn't know what he would do if anything ever happened to her! I can't tell you how much that ripped me apart. This is the man that I have shared my bed with for all these years that I hugged in the middle of the night when he didn't know about it. This is the man whose chest I would lay my hand on, so I could feel him breath, and always remember it. He is to me what he claims Jen is to him, and he is killing me. He may not physically put the knife in, but this is killing me none the less. I will surely die, because this pain is too much to walk around with. Jacob can have his daddy, and his daddy's true love. I'm am useless, and I know that now. Apparently, he knew it for a long time. Me
Thursday March 6, 2003 Dear Diary, I am still crushed and defeated. More today then yesterday, and more tomorrow than today. It seems the more time goes by, the more real this becomes, and though I did not think it could happen, the more it hurts. IT HURTS SO MUCH! I would rather cut all of my fingers off an inch at a time than feel this pain. I cannot do this, period. Cannot do this, end of story. Cannot do this, and that's all she wrote. Miserably, Me Later... Steven came to get Jacob today. I told him yesterday, while I was out on my I don't know what mission, that I was not fair that he gets to go away (to HER house no less) and clear his mind, but I have to stay home and pretend that everything is okay for Jacob. So he's keeping Jacob at his dad's until Sunday. I even told him at one point to just come and take Jacob and go have a happy life. I would leave, and go somewhere, and pretend the last 14 years of my life were erased. Of course, I didn't mean it. I mean, I would like to be able to erase this disaster, but I love Jacob too much to leave him the way my mother left me. I would imagine that pain is so much greater than the pain I am feeling now, and I can't handle this. I cannot stop crying. I cant breath, and forget about blowing my nose. Ain't happening. What really killed me about Steven being here was that he was still acting like he despised me. He didn't look at me, and he talked to me, or at me, with contempt. "Well, I need Jacobs this, and I need Jacobs that. Make sure you give him this and that." Like I was an idiot that didn't know how to send my child out for a sleepover. And he wanted me to put his name back on Jacobs school pick up list. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. The Steven that I know would never take Jacob like that, but this is not the Steven that I know. I got scared today when Jacob did not come out of school on time, and I thought Steven took off with him. It was then that I knew for sure that there is no way I could live without the both of them. Jacob is now all I have left. And he loves me... he's not pretending. It's lonely here now. It's dark. And lonely. So very lonely. I am alone. All alone. I could die right here, right now, and no one would know about it, How's that for being alone? Me
Friday, March 7, 2003 Dear Diary, I am a fool... a complete and utter fool. For the past five day I have been walking around with this sinking feeling, knowing that I cannot go through this life alone. I was right! I can't do this alone... and by the Grace of God, I don't have to! What a fool I have been! So, how did I suddenly figure this out? Well, last night, when I was thinking about how I could die and no one would know or care; I felt something in my heart. It was three very simple words, but they meant so very much. "I would care." That was God! It was like he was knocking on my head saying "Hello! Did you forget about someone?" And I am ashamed to admit, that I did. I forgot how blessed I have been, and how many way in everyday he touches me. Well, after I heard or felt those words, I went to my computer and started looking for prayer partners. I found many many many of them. So many people that were willing to reach out to me, and life me up in prayer. Don't get me wrong, this still hurts incredibly, but I now know that I not only can survive this, but I will. I still don't know how... but one thing I have never been without is faith. Granted, I might forgotten about it at one point, but how much sweeter it was when I remembered it. This is the prayer request I sent out last night, in the middle of my grief. I have never felt the level of despair that I am feeling right now. I truly want to die, because I cannot imagine my life continuing the way it is. My husband of 14 years has walked always from me, and told me that he doesn’t believe that he really ever loved me. He believes that he loves another woman, whom I have met, and have to say, she is a very nice person, but she wants my husband. Every time I think I cannot cry anymore, I cry. I have not eaten in five days, and last night was the first night I have slept in 4 days. My son left on Wednesday to spend the rest of the week and through the weekend with his daddy. My heart is absolutely broken. I know that I will never ever find another love like him. I love him with all of my heart and soul. He tells me I will get through this and find someone else, but I know that I wont. The only possible way to get through this is to turn to God, whom I have ALWAYS turned to, in good and bad, and ask Him to guide me. I also know that I cannot disobey His rules, and what I believe they require of me. So again, I will not be with another. I have sinned enough in my life without intentionally deciding to do it again. I have confessed my sins to those I have sinned against, and to God. My husband is my whole world. Everything I have ever done in our life has been with him in mind. I am an empty shell right now, and the only thing I want is him. I know I have a child to be strong for, but I feel so useless to him. I have prayed for God's will to be done. I have also prayed that God's will be to reunite my husband with his family. Please pray for me. I know that prayer is a powerful thing, and it is something that I need right now. Otherwise I am certain I will be one of the many that have died of a broken heart. Thank You. I still feel that way to an extent, but not quite so lonely. I have spent the majority of the day today praying and crying, and will return to just that as soon as I am done here. I know I have to leave this situation in God's hands, and through Jesus Christ, my Savior, I will be okay. Until Later, Me
Saturday March 8, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, today seemed a little better. I prayed some more. So many people have contacted me. It is amazing! It seems like when I just concentrate on praying and talking to God, I feel okay, like I can most certainly do this. But then, my mind wanders, and I remember the painful and hurtful things Steven said to me, and I start to cry like I never stopped. I cannot believe that he never cared for me. Well, now, at some point during this week, he did tell me that he never meant that he NEVER loved me, but that he never loved me the way he should, and I deserve better then that. So now I don't know what to believe. Is he just saying that to make me not feel so horrid? Does he have a heart and care that I am a wreck, or is he just trying to ease his own guilt? I am so confused and broken hearted. I have to figure out how to just give my pain to Jesus, but I am not sure how to do that. It's not like it's on a platter that I can hand over. Maybe it is that easy, I don't know. I do know that I don't want to divorce Steven. I think I am going to cancel that appointment with the lawyer. There are a few reasons I don't want to divorce him. One: I don't feel in my heart that is the right thing to do. I feel if I do that it would be the equivalent of just giving up, and I don't feel that. The second one may not be a Christian thing, but I don't want him to marry Jen. That's bad isn't it? Jen... talk about a clash of feelings. She comes off as a very nice sweet sincere person. So nice that about 2 weeks before Steven left, I called her because I was concerned for her. The last time we had spoken, when Steven told her to leave us alone, she was crying. And I didn't know if she had anyone to talk to, and I just wanted to know if she was okay, so I called her and asked her. She said on her list of last things she expected to happen, that phone call would not have even been on it. And now my husband sees her as his true love. At the same time as I can see her sweet side, I see another side, and I don't know if it's real or not, or if I am trying to justify my negative feelings towards her. Here is a girl that knew I was uncomfortable with her and Steven's friendship. And what does she choose to do? She decides she needs to call him and tell him that after 2 husbands, she has realized that it's him that she loves. What kind of person does that? Really, I mean, what kind of good-hearted God loving person does that? She said that she did it because she is a firm believer in telling people how you feel. I asked her "But at what expense?" She didn't have any answer worth anything. This is a girl that saw the pain I was in, and lied to me. Even after I begged her not to, she lied. This is a girl that didn't expect me to call and see if she was okay, but she is now sharing quality time with my husband. She is making a choice to have my husband. This is a good person? God forgive me, but I am having a hard time thinking so. Now, I know I was in a similar situation, and again, maybe I am just trying to justify everything... but I see it as different. One, I was not trying to take someone's husband from them, or allowing it to happen. Yes, I slept with a man that was not my husband, but someone else’s, and I struggled with the every night when I got on my knees and prayed. I begged God to forgive me. I knew it was wrong, and finally, I knew I could not continue even being where that man was. The day I figured that out, I called my husband and asked if Jacob and I could move back to Massachusetts 4 months early. I had decided that my family and my love for them was more important than anything I might have imagined this other man could offer me. And so we left. I continued to ask God to forgive me. And I knew that I should tell Steven, but I was so afraid that he would not be able to forgive me. That was a burden that I carried on my shoulders for a very long time. The guilt I felt for everyone involved was horrible. Does she feel that guilt? Does she worry about how broken my heart is? How devastated Jacob will be when he finally realizes that his daddy is not coming back home? Am I a fool for wanting to forgive her? A part of me wants to understand her, and help her. But then there is that other part of me that wishes someone would offer her a dream job in Timbuktu and she goes away for good... without Steven! Am I wrong for feeling malice towards her? I realize that this is not all her fault, oh no. Steven has his role in this... but I feel like if she had not stuck her 'feelings' in this, the situation would be different, and maybe in the least, he would be willing to talk to me about this. Am I wrong for feeling like I deserve more than "I don't want to talk about it, my mind is made up?" I'm not quite sure where I fit in here. And I still am having a hard... no, impossible time believing that this is over. Me
Please sign my guestbook and let me know you were here! Thank You!
Use the button below to make a donation to assist in keeping this site up and running.
Since March 12, 2003 |
