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Sunday, June 29 2003 Dear Diary, Well, I would have to say that the past two days have been good days. First of all, thank The Lord that Saturday was not as blazing hot as it has been! I woke up at about 5am to start getting ready for Steven to come and get me. I came into the game room here, to read my daily devotional from one of the marriage ministries that I belong to. I of course was still in my pj's... which, because it's been so hot, is a pair of silk shorts and a camisole. As I sat here, Steven knocked on the door... he was very early. He came in and I went into our bedroom to get dressed... he started to come into the room for something, and stopped at the door, like he was embarrassed... it was actually kind of cute. While I got dressed, he made himself at home and took out the iron and ironing board to iron that little hankie thing he has to wear around his neck when he is standing duty. He always looks SO HANDSOME in his uniforms! So, I thank God that he was comfortable enough to just go around and get what he needed to do what he had to do. He should be, because this is still his home... always will be. On the ride up there we chatted about a few things, nothing major. Then I sat there quietly and realized the radio was not on. Something told me to turn on the radio and listen to the song that was on. Now, I have not listened to secular radio for months, and I had no idea what station the radio would be on when I put it on, but I did it. It was a song I knew. Nora Jones was singing "I Don't Know Why." I listened for a few lines, and realized that I was going to start to cry, so I just turned it off. Steven never asked me why.... I think he knew. So, we got to the base, and I dropped him off. It broke my heart for him to get out of the car, and not lean over to kiss me. Not that I expected it... but I remembered it. So, what else is new... I started crying on the drive home. I was screaming out loud actually, and tears were pouring down my face. It amazes me how suddenly that heartbreaking feeling can return and absolutely devastate me so fast! As I was crying I was calling out to God... "Please get me through this, take this away from me! Please!" I stopped at a red light, and in front of me, the license plate said "NEVRQUIT". I looked up and said "I'm not, thank You!" I calmed down a bit, and continued to drive home. Twice I looked up at the sky. The first time, I saw a dove in the clouds. I blinked and looked at it again... yep, a dove. Praise God. The second time I saw an angle. Ok, God, as usual, I am listening to you, and I know You are with me here. Thank You! I went to work for the festival for my church... at first it kind of made me sad, because I saw so many happy couples there, and I could just picture all the times that Steven and I walked through places like that. There was a little folk band playing right behind our booth. So, me and God had a talk, and I asked him to please let them play the next song for me... now, I couldn't tell you what the name of the song was, but the hook line was "I wanna be your loving man." And the very next song was "You Can't Hide From God!" They even said they don't normally do gospel music, but they liked that song and decided to play it! Praise The Lord! Again, "Seek and ye shall find." Seek God in everything, look for Him... He is there, waiting for us to seek Him. He wants to communicate with us! I had done a lot of thinking a while ago about all of the ways that God speaks to me, and why did I deserve it. And He revealed to me that it was my manna from Heaven. Something from Him to sustain me until I reach my promise. How awesome He is! When I finished working I decided to walk around a bit, and look at some of the crafts... again, and as always, I was talking with God in my head. I told Him how alone I felt there... there was no one that I knew, no one to go home to... Lord, let me see someone that I know... anyone. I looked up, and there was a girl that I have not seen since before I met my husband! Praise The Lord. She and I spoke for a little bit, and I turned to walk away... and there was a man I have not seen since I was 15 years old! He was a friend of my fathers! Wow God, again, you gave me exactly what I asked for! Praise You! I came home and began to work on the poem that I had decided to write. This, in and of itself is another specific way that God has spoken to me. Since Friday Lois has been trying to convince me to sing at our church's Singspiration on Sunday Night. I told her that I could not sing... or, at least I though I could, but not too many people that hear me agree! LOL... she kept encouraging me, but I did not feel right about it, or comfortable. Then, as I sat doing my devotionals, and reading my Psalms for the day, there were many verses about singing to The Lord. I though, "Is He trying to tell me to do this? Does he really want me to do this?" Then as I was updating this site, I was looking at my notes from the day before (I write things down real quick through out the day so I don't forget) and I had Psalms 26:12 written down. As I posted it it struck me... Yes, He's talking to me.
So, okay Lord, if that is what you want, I'll do it. I felt bad for the people at the church, because they were going to be the ones that had to hear it. :) Then I went to leave my house... I was thinking about how difficult singing was going to be. The only time I had ever sang on stage was when I was in a play, and was in the role of a BAD nightclub singer... so singing bad was good! LOL As I pulled out of my drive way, I noticed a man in the parking lot of the bar right across from my house... and I knew who he was immediately. A man from church... a man that write poetry a lot to share with us. He came over to my car and we chatted for a bit, and I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. He gifted me with writing. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, as singing was not going to be pleasant. Then I got excited about writing a poem for The Lord. You can read the poem here. Ok, so now it's time for me to go pick Steven up so he can have my car again. I filled up the gas tank, knowing that I was only going to use a fraction of it... but I wanted to do it. The verse about blessing your adversaries kept coming to my mind... not that I think Steven is my adversary, but you know what I mean. Steven had a really bad headache when he got into the car, and he asked me to drive. He'd stood duty for 12 hours and not eaten anything. He didn't tell me that, I asked. So, we stopped at McDonalds, and I bought him something to eat. While we were in the car, he started telling me about something he had seen on television, and I was thanking God... it all felt so very normal... aside from the fact that I was going to get out of the car and he would drive away. Ah, but I know this is only going to last for a season, so it's all good! Oh, something else that happened during the ride home... for some stupid reason I was thinking in the flesh again, and thought to myself "I hope someone calls my cell phone. Then I can pretend it's a guy, and make Steven wonder." Well, don't cha know, that cell phone rang! No one ever calls me unless it's Steven or Jacob! I picked up the phone, and just told Jacob that I couldn't talk because I was driving... Yes, I did not make it sound like I was talking to our 9 year old son... and as soon as I hung up, I knew I was wrong. So I picked the phone back up and called Jacob back to ask him what he wanted for dinner. The good thing is (well, as I said, it's ALL good) that I think Steven had dozed off, so he may not have even heard any of the conversation, Praise The Lord... but I knew I still had to get out of the flesh in that one... again, trying to make my own plans here. Thank God He pointed it out to me so fast... What struck me about that was that it was the second time that something had happened just as I asked for it. First the people at the festival, and then the phone. What's this telling me? Be careful what you ask for, and make sure you know what to do with it when you get it! Again, I am back to Praising The Lord for NOT giving me what I asked for on Friday, because that would have been my plans and my will, not His. Ok, I think that's it for this entry... been here a while. I am going to go do my housework now, but I should be back later to tell you all about Sunday and the poem and everything else! :)
Tuesday, June 30, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, you know... I am feeling good! I did all of my housework yesterday, and it just feels so nice when everything is all clean and looks nice. I also like it when I have candles burning and the sweet smell they give off. Okay, before I get too much into today, let me tell you about my poem on Sunday... it rocked! Thank The Lord for the gifts that he gives us! Did you get a chance to read the poem? If not, it's located here. My church has something every few months called Sing-spiration where anyone that wants to comes to sing worship songs, or give testimonies... anything they would like. There were about 10 people before me, and they all sang. And I have to say that they all have really good voices. I was sooooooo happy that God let me off of the hook about singing! Anyway, I stood up at my turn and grabbed a tissue, because I knew that I was going to cry. The church was full. I began to read my poem and at certain parts I really had to hold myself back and keep from just all and all out bawling. I was sniffing while reading... and then all of a sudden, I could hear other people sniffing... there were others that were crying with me! When I finished reading I turned behind me and handed the microphone to the deacon and then turned again to leave the stage... EVERYONE WAS STANDING UP CLAPPING! Praise The Lord! I cried then, and as I walked back to my seat people started reaching out and hugging me. This was most definitely The Lord Poem... I mean, look at how long it is, and it was written in about 1 hour! But, I did what He told me to do... I stood and publicly praised the Lord! Here is another awesome thing that happened. As some of you may or may not know, I fast every Tuesday - Thursday in prayer for all marriages... so Today I am fasting... and a friend of mine calls. She also is looking to The Lord to heal her broken heart and having a very difficult time. She cried while we were on the phone, and my heart went out for her. Later, during the afternoon, as I went into my room to pray, I thought of her, and started out praying for her. I asked God to please help her, and hold her, and give her that peace that surpasses all understanding. I started to cry for her, like I was feeling her hurts, not my own... but still I prayed. Well, I spoke to her later tonight, and she said that she felt much better! Praise The Lord! I told her that I had prayed for her today... she asked me when. "About 2:30" and she gasped... "Toi, that was when I was walking down the hallway and suddenly felt this peace come over me! I even looked up to God and said, Wow, Lord, someone must be praying for me... bless them.'"! Have I told you lately that we serve a prayer answering God! Praise The Lord but He is good! Also today, I watched a video that I received from Restore Ministries about unconditional love. The woman spoke about how to bless you spouse through your words, and gave some examples. Everything she teaches other woman makes so much sense, so I decided that I would pray for an opportunity to do what she said. I was then on the phone with my husband and I looked at the 5 bags of garbage over by the front door. I said "You know, not to be funny or anything, but I really appreciate all the things you did around here, like taking out the garbage and I am sorry I didn't thank you for it before. I'm looking at all of this trash that needs to go out, and realize that you did a lot for us. Thanks." He kind of chuckled and said "Don't worry about it... leave it there, and when I get there, I'll take it our for you!" Praise The Lord! And while we were on the phone, we began discussing the electric bill which was due today... and he made a couple of references to the fact that "we" will be fine... again, Praising The Lord. Then when he did get here, he was in a nice mood, and so was I... I have just felt good... really good... This IS that peace that surpasses all understanding and I thank God for it! I spoke to our friend Pat today... actually, she called me on Sunday and I returned her call... I was not sure if I could really speak to her. Not because I didn't want to... but the reality is that she is the only person that has any glimmer of an idea about what is going on in Steven's head right now... and I know that a part of me will want to barrage her with questions... but I also know that I cannot do that. It's not what God wants me to do, first of all. And it's also not fair to her. She is both of our friends, and I don't want her to feel like I am trying to put her on the spot... part of me was also afraid, as I said the other day, that maybe she didn't want to be my friend anymore (no, I am NOT in 2nd grade...) But Praise The Lord, it was fine! And I didn't ask her anything! Thank you God! Well, thats about it for today... I pray you have a blessed night! Toi
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