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June 22, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was much better. God is so awesome! He spoke to me through Pastor Ken again... as I have sat here these few weeks, feeling so low, God reminded me today of all that he has already shown me, and promised me. The Pastors service today was really awesome! He talked about gifts of The Holy Spirit, and how God will use other people to speak to you, and give you a word, and then confirm it with something or someone else. That brought immediatly to my mind one of the first services I attended a the church, just after I began praying for God to restore my marriage... and Pastor Ken, in the middle of his service, stopped and said "I don't know who this is for, but God says that He will restore your relationship, just don't give up!" Praise The Lord! Steven brought me to church this morning, and then went to the store for me, and brought the things he back to the house for me... and when I was speaking with him on the phone before church, he told me to make sure that I wore a jacket because it was cold. See, these are all little signs... things from God to show me that He is working. Praise The Lord! Anyway, here is my companion prayer that I wrote tonight, about today. I like writing prayers, because I feel like I can be more myself and honest... and writing has always been a way that I am best able to express myself. Dear Lord, Okay, here I am again. Thank you that I made it another day. Praise You, because every day when I am feeling like I can't go on, You make sure that I do. Thank you. Lord, and thank You for all of my answered prayers. Thank you for helping me to get my house cleaned up in a timely manner, and thank you for helping me get into that closet in Jacobs room! Praise You Father God, it is clean again! Thank you for the peace I felt all day long. Thank you that I did not cry at all yesterday, and was spared from the hurt that accompanies it. Thank you for today Lord. Thank you for speaking to me through Pastor Ken. I heard what you said, about receiving a word from you through other people. I told Lois, it was like you were reminding me about all of the other things that You have given me through other people. Praise You! Thank you that I feel comfortable enough in church to cry the way that I did today. Thank you for all of the people there that pray for me. Thank you for getting me to church and home again. Thank you for Jacob enjoying his dinner, which as we both know, is not often! Thank you again and again for entrusting Steven and I with his care. Thank you Lord for all of the messages that I received today, that also pointed to You, and how awesome you are! Thank you for the singer that I found that I really like, Jennifer Knapp. Thank you for motivating me to make cookies for Jacob, and for the time Jacob and I spent praying together this evening. Please help me to encourage him more Lord, and help him to not feel embarrassed when praying out loud with me. Please guide me as I read tonight regarding the bible studies that he and I are about to begin. Lord, I spent most of the day today feeling blue. You know that. And again, it's not that I don’t' trust you, or think that you are not with me... it just hurts so much sometimes. Thank you for carrying me through those times. Thank you that right now I feel a lot better. Praise You Lord! Thank you that when I opened the book that Lois gave me at church, the prayer I opened it to was Restoration. Lord, I cannot thank you enough for all that you are doing for us! Thank you for the devotional I read about the man that did not believe in You, but now lives a life for you. Bless him father, for encouraging me. Lord, I pray that you would continue to working me and through me. Change me however you desire Lord. I give myself to you willingly. If there is anything displeasing to you in me, Lord, then remove it. Get it out. Whenever I begin to stray Lord, please guide me back. You are awesome father, and I so regret all of the years that I spent away from you. Thank you for bringing me to you. Please help me to bring others to you. Lord, I still pray that you would guide me about working, and beginning a bible study here. Speak to me Lord... send me a word for these situations. Thank you Lord that my tooth hardly hurt at all today! Praise You! And that you that the pain in my tailbone has gotten so much easier! Please Lord; forgive me for the snide remark that I made to Brenda about no one helping me bring in the garbage. And forgive me for the feeling of self-pity I had when I was lugging all of the garbage out. Lord, help me to take every thought captive, so that I can please you. I know that it is through pleasing you that I will have real happiness. You know what? Hell has become very real to me now, thank you. Before I guess it was like this vague place that I didn’t really think about. I don’t know if it was because I was complacent, and just hoping I was not going there was enough... but now it is very real to me, and very scary. Lord, please help me and guide me so that I can live according to Your will Lord. Lord, I pray that you would continue the work you have begun in Steven and I. Continue to bring about restoration for us. Continue to work in me to make me the woman that you desire for me to be. Please continue to build that wall around Steven and Jen Lord. Let him see that he is to rejoice in the wife of his youth. Lord, and thank you that today I did not feel so angry towards her. Please continue to remove that from me. Thank you for making me realize that I should not call her. Thank you for ALL of the times that I have thought about calling her that I have not. Thank you for your Holy Spirit that guides me during those times. Lord, please help Lois come to peace with the situation regarding John. Help her to know that she can leave it in your hands and You will take care of it according to your will. Again, I am not sure what that is in this situation, but please Lord, give her peace. And give John healing. Please keep Brother Joe and Sister Deana safe, and under your protection as they go to see their children father. Please give me knowledge wisdom and understanding, and discernment. Help me as I study your word Lord, so that I can hide it in my heart, and Glorify You. Please barrage Stevens mind and heart with love for Jacob and I Lord. Thank you for all of the changes that I see. Thank you for helping me to realize that the little things count as much as the big things... even more sometimes. It's easy to Praise You when something big happens. It's when I notice the little things and Praise You that I am really happy. I know the enemy hopes that I would just gloss over them and not see Your hand in it. Lord, I pray that you would continue to place a hedge of protection around my husband, and keep away the lies and untruths that surround him. I pray that you would make him so uncomfortable when he is away from is one flesh... and even more uncomfortable while he is with the adulteress. Please, Lord, speak to her through your Holy Spirit, and bring her to repentance. Put people in both of their paths that will speak the truth to them, Lord, and take off their spiritual blinders so that they can see, and the covering from their ears so that they can hear. Lord, I know that you can do all of that at anytime you please, and I thank you for that. Please continue to work in my life Lord, and never ever allow me to stray away from you. Please allow the bitterness that is as wormwood, and the tongue that is as sharp as a two-edged sword show through to Steven Lord. Please bless him with knowledge, wisdom and understanding, and most importantly, discernment. Please, help him to see the truth of the situation we are in Lord, and please Lord, have mercy on him. And on Jen, father. Praise You. Please help me to learn more about you, and Jesus, and soak up everything that I come across that is the truth. And then help me to share that with others Father. I praise You Lord God, and worship your holy name. You are awesome! Thank you Jesus, for your love and care and protection! Thank you Holy Spirit for your guidance, and the conscience that you provide me with! Thank you! Lord, please allow your Holy Spirit to work mightily in Steven. Please continue to turn his heart back to me. Lord, please forgive me for all of my sins, and there are so many. Please forgive me for when I was the adulteress, father. Please wash me with hyssop, so that I can be clean. Lord, please anoint me with your Holy Spirit, and have Jesus show through me to everyone around me Lord, for Your glory. Please help me to speak your truth to those that you put in my path. Father, I again pray for all of the sick people, and the elderly, that you would comfort them, and bring them all to a place where they can know you and your son, and the Holy Spirit. OH! Thank you that I saw Mrs. Heart in church today, and that she looked so good! Lord, I pray for the salvation of Steven, Jen, Aunt Rhea and her family, my father and all of my family, Brenda and all of my friends. And all of my enemies. And, as the persistent widow Lord, I pray for all of the marriages that were not built on the rock of Jesus Christ. I pray that you would work in these marriages Lord, to bring peace and comfort. Show the woman how to be according to your word Lord, and guide the husbands in their duties as well. Lord, I pray for the restoration of every hurting marriage Father, and that it all be done for your Glory! Praise You Lord God! Thank you for the heavens and the earth, and all that is in between! Praise Your holy Name Lord God! In the precious name of Jesus Christ I pray! Amen, and Amen! Toi Monday June 23, 2003 Dear Diary, I have to admit, the past few weeks have been very very difficult. Since about the Wednesday before I fell… did you know about me falling? I can’t even remember if I posted that here… anyway, if you don’t, I took a very hard fall while roller skating and did real damage to my tailbone… it still hurts a lot, and this was on June 1. I go to a pain clinic on July 11 so they can try to kill the nerves around my tailbone. So needless to sat, sitting at the computer has not been terribly easy. But I do have a praise report from that fall… my husband was there, and he voluntarily went to the hospital with me, and brought me home and filled my prescriptions and all of that! Praise The Lord… But aside from that, there have been many things that have been going on, and I am sorry I have not kept you up on them… it’s just been so hard… both physically and emotionally. I don’t’ know why all of a sudden I feel so down. I start crying for no apparent reason, and it’s real big hard cries, like I have been waiting to do it forever. I am working on getting this under control.I keep reminding myself that this is a spiritual battle, and lean on The Lord. I took a nap today, and had another dream about Steven... I dreamt that we were riding in his car, but he was in the front seat, and I was in the back seat behind him. I believe that Jacob was sitting next to me. And I had my hand reaching up front, resting on his shoulder, and he put up his hand and held mine. That was it, no speaking or anything. I'll tell you what, my eyes were not even completely open and I was thank and praising God. Okay, with that said, I am going to end this entry now. I promise I will be back tomorrow… I am going hunting for a new web set because I am border with this one already… lol… Toi
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, today was tough for a little while. First, Steven called me in the morning to ask me something, and then he asked me what time Jacob got out of school today. I told him, and asked him "Why, are you picking him up after school?" No, he said, but did I remember that he was taking Jacob tonight? Yes, I remembered. Again, I could hear a difference in his voice when he was speaking to me, and I Praised God. Then, when he came to get Jacob, I asked him if he could give me a ride to my prayer meeting. He asked me if it were possible to have Brenda take me and he would pick me up, because it was already 5:30 and he would have to come back in an hour to get me. Well, I let myself get into a funk over that. Don't worry, I didn't say a word... I only said, politely, "Yes, I can get another ride." Then he kept asking me, over and over "Are you sure? I'll take you if you want me to." I assured him I would get there. Even Jacob told him to stop asking me over again, because he would get me aggravated. :) So, when he left, I allowed my funk to show... and I thought to myself... "I'll show him.... I'm gonna walk to church!" It would have taken me over an hour, but I was going to teach him a lesson. Yea, sure... I'll walk, and teach him a lesson... still not sure how that was supposed to work. But God put it upon my heart to not be so childish... so I ended up calling my prayer partner and getting a ride from her. Well, Praise The Lord that I did. When Steven did come and get me he never even asked me how I got to church. So, can you imagine the funk I would have been in had I walked and he not even asked! Now, maybe I would have thought I needed to tell him... but I know me... I would have been snide and condescending about it... so Thank You Lord that you guided me in that one! Then Steven called me at about 11:15 tonight and asked me if he could borrow money for gas... he was apparently on the highway, and running out of gas. I told him what I had in the bank, and said to go ahead and use the ATM. I am thankful to God for giving me the grace to just accept and rejoice in these things, instead of following the worlds way. The world would have Steven not even have my car, first of all... the world would have me remind him constantly that he does have it... the world would have me not give him money if he needs it. Ah, but, I am in the world, not of it... can't remember what Bible verse that it, but it's in there. :) Goodnight, Toi
Wednesday, June 25, 2003 Dear Diary, You know, I have tried to make this same entry like 4 different times! The first one somehow got deleted, then in the process of changing my pages around, I lost the other ones... Anyway, I am here now... What I have been trying to say in these entries is that I am going to go back, probably tonight, and fix all of the missing weeks. I am praying that I can remember everything. I am really going to try. I have not documented the things that have been happening, so some of it has gotten vague... which is exactly why I am going to go back and do it, so that not only I can remember, but so that you can read about all of the different ways that God is working. "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death." Revelation 12:11
But do you know what I found? One, that not sharing makes me feel... yucky. That's the only word that I can think of. And for the past week I have heard from many different sources things about people being won by the word of their testimony, and how God gives each of us gifts, through the Holy Spirit, that we are called to share with others. So, here I am... and blessed because of it! This is my testimony. For the people that don't have a testimony, it may be hard to understand, but hey, who knows, maybe you will follow this and something will be like a light going off, and then you'll have your own testimony. I had heard the word testimony before, but I thought only people that had really BIG things happen to them through the power of God had testimonies. You know, like the person that had to suddenly eject from his twin engine plane with no parachute, but survived. Now that's a testimony! But you know what? So is this... anything that tells another person about the Glory of God, and how, with Him, you were brought through the valley of the shadow of death, is a testimony. And it's good that we all have different testimonies. Because there are so many different people in the world with so many different problems. My testimony may not do much to lift someone up, and help them, if they are dealing with a missing child... but there have been many people that have come through here that are in my situation, and have emailed me regarding how my testimony effected them. Praise God! So, um, where was I? Oh, yeah... this is my testimony... :) Now, let me just make something very clear. I believe that the Bible is the Word of God. No if's, and's or but's about it. Period, end of story. It's not a 'guideline', it's not a book that men wrote to bring order and peace... it is the WORD of God! I don't care how long ago it was written, who penned the words... doesn't matter. So, that being said, I also do not think that the Bible can be interpreted. It means what it means. Sure, if you try hard enough, you can twist what it says to mean something different, but that does not change what it really means. And now that I have stated that, I can tell you that I KNOW that God has His hand over every single thing that happens in this world. No, He does not cause bad things to happen as we know them. He will allow us to learn difficult lessons. It's up to us to turn to Him to get through them. He will allow us to be broken to a point of complete despair, so that we can call out to Him. But people are stubborn. Many don't call out to Him... many don't even consider Him. They turn every which way but to Him. Drugs, booze, immoral behavior... or maybe not such bad things. Maybe they turn to themselves, and their friends. But still, they don't turn to God. That is what He is waiting for. For you to ask Him to help you. For you to really want to live for Him... then He is able to truly work in your life. The Bible says that the sun shines on the righteous and the unrighteous, but the blessings of God are more abundantly on the righteous. Now, am I righteous? I dunno. I pray that I am on my way. (And THANK YOU GOD that I now see the difference between self-righteous and righteous... big difference there, believe you me!) So, for those of you that might read anything here and think that what I tell you about is anything BUT the hand of God... I say not from my standpoint. Again, nothing happens in my world that God does not either allow or cause to happen. So, if He didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't. So every single blessing I claim is real. No matter how small it may seem to people. The small ones are just as important as the big ones, maybe more so. How great your faith must be to be able to see the small miracles, and give God the glory for them! It's easy to praise God because the man with no parachute did not get hurt... what a great thing God did for him! But what about the small things? What about the hug my husband gave me? What about the page I opened my Bible to that stated "I Hate Divorce" says The Lord? How great our faith must be to be able to claim those as victories too! The Bible also says that not a sparrow falls to the ground without God's knowledge, and that He knows every hair on our heads, and knitted us together in our mothers wombs. And yet, some people don't think that He is capable of working things out in their lives? I don't get it. And don't bother trying to counter with those above statements being anything but the truth... they're from the Bible, and to try to dissuade me of their validity is as lame as trying to convince me that I have more than 2 arms...that I only think I have 2 arms.... sorry. There are people at my very own church that question God's power. What, is their God different than mine? No. So why is He only Almighty and Powerful on Sundays? He is Almighty and Powerful and Good ALWAYS. Which brings me to another thing that needs mentioning. The enemy. Yeppers, you got it... satan. You cannot believe in God and The Lord Jesus Christ without knowing that satan is real. He is real, and he is messing with us. Look around. Better yet, look in the mirror. Has he convinced you that God is not capable? Has he given you a feeling of complacency, so that you don't think you need to seek God? Has he got you thinking that God can't or won't work in your life? Yeah, he does that. He's not always like that big red evil looking creature you see in the movies. You know, I know how crazy some of this sounds, especially to my family and friends... I still have ears... I hear what I say, and I know that to the flesh, it sounds like I am a few cards short of a full deck. But I am not, and I know that. I think that should be a pre-requisite for being off your rocker. If you know what you are saying is going to make peoples eyebrows rise, then you are not off your rocker. :) I'll bet there are many people that don't know what they are saying is making peoples eyebrows rise, and they are still not off their rocker. Anyway, satan is real, and he is here to steal, kill and destroy. And that doesn't always mean the big things. He can steal your joy, kill your dreams and destroy your family if you let him. The greatest trick he ever played was to convince people that he didn't exist. Here's a perfect example. My friend Brenda, who used to practice wicca started reading my Bible. She has read through Matthew and Acts. Then she put it down for a few days, and today she told me that she put it in her bedside drawer because there was not enough room for it on top. I said "See how that works? Now it will be too much trouble to just reach over and read it, you've got to lift up the table covering and dig inside the drawer." Not that she can't get to it, but there will be a time when it will be easier to just roll over then reach for the Bible. I have a friend that I met through an online ministry that was going through a separation as well. She was having a very difficult time with it. I would talk to her many times a day on the phone... and her situation did seem more impossible than mine, to me. She had been separated for like 6 months, her husband had a restraining order against her, she had not seen him in months, and she just felt that nothing could be happening for her. We'd been praying that God would give her something... anything, any sign that He was working. Well, 2 weeks ago, she left work a little earlier than normal for whatever reason, and guess who she ran into at the train station? YEP! And he stopped and asked if he could speak to her. Mind you, the day before, they were in court, and he did not even look her way. And even better than that... THEY ARE RESTORED!!!! He moved back in this week! Called it off with the other woman, and came home to the wife of his youth! Praise God! See! Oh, the point to this was that I was speaking with her today, and she was worried about the other woman, and if she was still in the city or not... she was so busy worrying about that that she was not rejoicing in the fact that her husband was home, Praise God! The enemy was trying to steal her joy... but she recognized it, and stopped it. So, from here on out remember the above statements. God is very real, and so is the enemy. Jesus is our Savior, and The Holy Spirit is our comforter. Nothing is impossible with God, and I know that. There will be some that give me a hard time about that, but that's okay. They are still my friends and family. The Bible also said people would suffer ridicule and persecution for Christ. Now, granted, this is mild compared to what missionaries are going through in foreign lands, but it still hurts when your father, who taught you about God in the first place thinks your a fanatic and involved in a cult! :) That's okay, I love my daddy anyway... and I pray for him! :) Okay, now I am going to go back and try to catch up all of the missing days. And you know what? I feel 100% better just having finished this entry. See, I knew something wasn't right. Hey, thanks Michelle for telling me to get back on here and write. I'm still praying for ya! :) God Bless. Toi Later Dear Diary, Okay, real quick. I just got back from Bible Study... a study I almost did not go to because it was just too hot and I had to borrow a car to get there ... and you know, the normal excuses. But again, I should know that when I feel like I don't want to go, I really should. So I did, and Praise The Lord! The teacher spoke first about peoples testimonies! WOW! Talk about getting a word from God! He was speaking about how many Christians may be the only glimpse of Christ that someone ever sees, and who knows what you do or say may give them the hope of Jesus! That's called confirmation! Praise God! And also, the study was about Abraham and Isaac... a part of the bible I have been drawn to many times in the past few months. Always the part about Abraham having faith in God's promises. This also spoke to me directly. God has given me many promises. Some that are found in the Bible... and others that He has shown me in the world. If you've read my earlier journaling, you know what I am talking about. There are too many to mention again... but He is faithful! And during the past few weeks He has continued to put it on my heart to just TRUST Him. No matter how hard it gets, or what things look like, to just trust Him. Like Abraham had to do when God told him Sarah would bare a child at 90... and also when He called Abraham to sacrifice the very child he had waited all of those years for. It's all about having faith and trusting God. "Abraham believed God, and it was counted unto him as righteousness." Praise The Lord! Okay, gonna finish up the older entries I missed. I have a few emails that I sent out, so those will help. I'll put a link here to the updated weeks, so you don't have to go searching around for them... I myself am not quite sure what I missed. Ok, have a good night! Toi
Thursday, June 26, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, without further delay... weeks 14, 15 and 16 have all been updated... for those of you that have already read through the complete weeks, well, this is for the folks that follow this journal everyday... I skipped most of the 3 weeks I just mentioned because my tailbone hurt, and I was pretty much wallowing in self pity... Praise The Lord that's over! K, I'll be back later today. Toi
Friday, June 27, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, I am so glad that I finally updated this site... so many things have happened over the past 2 days that I am sure I would forget everything. First of all, let me start by Praising The Lord. He is just too awesome, and I am awed by His power might... and love. With that being said, let me first tell you about the scriptures that God has led me to over the past few days. It seems He has really been speaking to me like this... actually, I spent most of the day today, re-reading my own site... and I would have to say He speaks to me a lot! Praise The Lord! But anyway, the scriptures, right? The first one was while I was reading my Bible before going to bed...Psalm 30 was the Psalm I was reading, though I don't know why... not the one I had planned on... but it really spoke to me. Especially after all of the crying I have been doing. Psalm 30 1 I will praise you, LORD, for you have rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me. 2 O LORD my God, I cried out to you for help, and you restored my health. 3 You brought me up from the grave, O LORD. You kept me from falling into the pit of death. 4 Sing to the LORD, all you godly ones! Praise his holy name. 5 His anger lasts for a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning. 6 When I was prosperous I said, "Nothing can stop me now!" 7 Your favor, O LORD, made me as secure as a mountain. Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered. 8 I cried out to you, O LORD. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying, 9 "What will you gain if I die, if I sink down into the grave? Can my dust praise you from the grave? Can it tell the world of your faithfulness? 10 Hear me, LORD, and have mercy on me. Help me, O LORD." 11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, 12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever! When I read this I was like WOW! I could have written it... it was such a blessing for me to have found it. It was like God saying to me.... "See, I know how you have been feeling... and look how good you feel now." Praise God! Also, while I was flipping through the Psalms, ( was reading in bed in front of the fan) the pages kept blowing around... but to the same page... when I finally realized that I was supposed to read what was on that page... the verse, the ONLY verse I saw and read was Proverbs 25:25 As cold water to a weary soul, So is good news from a far country. Praise The Lord! Why? Because I have been praying scriptures where I have been asking for Steven to be delivered from the 'far country' like the prodigal son! Remember what I said before about God having His hand over everything!!!! Some of the other Bible verse He has led me to are below... these are more of His promises.
This verse confirmed for me this site, and sharing my testimony.
You don't really need me to explain this one, right?
A bird that wanders from it's nest in away from those that care and nurture him, and he is in danger. Someone needs to help that bird return to where he is safe. :) See how He speaks to you? Another thing that I remembered that I wanted to tell you about was the first dream that I had about Steven. I realized that I had not posted it here when I was reading through everything yesterday. I had this dream the day after I hurt my tailbone. I dreamt that Steven was moving all of his stuff back into our house, and in the dream I knew it was because I had been hurt, and he was going to help me for a time. Then we were standing in my living room, looking at our oldest cat Bud and Steven came over to me like he was going to kiss me, but I backed up. Not because I didn't want him to kiss me, but I didn't want him to be doing something else and me misinterpret it as a kiss. He stood there and said "Hello? I am trying to kiss you!" So we kissed... (as I am writing this, I remember writing this once before... maybe I did post it and missed it yesterday?) Then he said to me "How's it feel to have me home?" I said "You're home... like home home?" "Yes," he said, "didn't you see how I brought back ALL of my things?" I started laughing and running through my house. There were all of these people here, friends of mine from before Steven and I ever met... they were building and putting together furniture that I had never seen before in the rooms of our house. I ran to all of them and said "Steven is home! Praise The Lord, Steven is home!" They all told me that they knew that already! I remember when I woke up I immediately began Praising The Lord, because I remembered what it felt like to hold Steven, and have him hold me... and I thanked God for giving that to me. But it was only yesterday that He showed me something else about it. I was explaining the dream to someone, and while I was, God reminded me of a Bible verse ... I have been reading these verses in relation to praying that our home and marriage be built on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. The verses are Proverbs 24: 3 -4 3 Through wisdom a house is built, And by understanding it is established; 4 By knowledge the rooms are filled With all precious and pleasant riches. Are you following me here? And the girl that I was speaking to told me it is because I seek Him that He gives me these things... "Ask and you shall have, seek and you shall find..." Praise God!!!! On Thursday, Steven called to say that he would not be picking Jacob up as he normally did, but would pick him up early on Friday. This was because Steven has to stand duty for 12 hours Saturday, and because he has to be there so early, he was sleeping at his dads house... also, he was going to be getting out of work early because they were having a Command Picnic on the base. So he said that he was going to be getting out of work early and would come pick Jake up and hang with him for the day, then sleep at his dads house for duty on Saturday. So I invited him over for dinner. He said yes, Praise The Lord! Then, I remembered my father in law... I thought that I should invite him too... but my flesh did not want to. I wanted to have dinner with only us... Steven, Jacob and myself... just like normal. The Holy Spirit was really speaking to me though, so I called Steven back and invited his dad too... but Steven said he could not come because he plays cards with his friends on Friday nights! Praise The Lord again ... and again and again! So today, I of course did a lot of praying. At one point, while I was praying, something prompted me to open up my Word For The Day book that Lois gave me... when I did, there was a picture of a butterfly there... again, how awesome is HE! Well, I am not sure why, but Steven did not end up getting here until 5:30 in the evening... and I kept thinking that I should call him. But I knew not to... I didn't really want to, but the thought kept popping into my head. I knew I had to leave it to God. Had I called him, it would have been me reacting to the situation in my flesh... "Where are you? Didn't you tell Jacob that you would pick him up at 1pm? What is your problem?" But again... I am working very hard on walking in the spirit, not the flesh... so I just waited patiently and knew God would work it out. Steven called me and told me why he was late, and I just said 'no problem'. Thank God that Jacob did not even remember that his father was supposed to pick him up early, so there was no issues for me to work out. See, had I listened to the thought that kept coming to me, I very well could have started another fight... and I am really trying to learn my lesson. Thank You God. Steven ate dinner over, and it was just as I wanted... very normal... my upstairs neighbor came down for a second, and I know that she was surprised to see Steven here, and is probably wondering what is going on, because it was all sooooooo normal... and the last time that she knew that Steven was here was the day I started that big huge fight. Steven helped me clean up, and then he took Jacob over to his friend Josh's house to play for a little while. Jacob wanted to know if Josh could sleep over.... well, now, here was my flesh again... I did not want Josh to sleep over... because I had an agenda... Let me explain. I thought that maybe, just maybe, Steven could stay here tonight. As it was, I had asked him if I could bring him to work in the morning so that I could use the car to go work at a festival for the church. So, in my head I am thinking, "Okay... he could sleep over then he won't have to get up so early to come here and get me before we go to Newport." You can imagine what the rest of my agenda included... and I prayed a lot about it during the day. But I also prayed for God to work out the evening according to His will not mine. I want to work with God, not ask Him to work with me... we've seen what a mess I can make of things when I take it upon myself to work them out. So, anyway, when Jacob wanted to know if Josh could sleep over, I hesitated... but The Holy Spirit was there again, knocking on my heart... telling me not to be selfish... so I said yes. But again... Josh could not sleep over because he was already sleeping out! I thought that all of these things were leading up to just what I wanted... working in accordance to MY plan... lol...again, I ask, who do I think I am? Steven came back after taking Jacob to the park and I told him I needed to use the car real quick to run to the store... and he offered to go for me. He used to go to the store for me all of the time. But now I see that I took advantage of that a lot, so I told him it was okay, I would go. But he insisted that he did not mind. Praise The Lord! As he was walking out of the door, I noticed the back of his neck... it was wicked sun burnt from his being at the Command Picnic. When he got back from the store I offered him some Noxzema to put on it, because I knew it was going to irritate him later. He said that hew as fine, but took the Noxzema 'to humor me' he said... and then he left... :) And I went into my room and Praised The Lord and said a prayer of Thanksgiving! Thank You Lord for keeping me in line with Your will, not mine! Praise You God for showing me that You are in control of this... not me and my plans... Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 19:21 There are many plans in a man's heart, Nevertheless the Lord's counsel--that will stand. Oh, I almost forgot! Before Steven got here, I said another prayer... I always have Praise Music on... usually through my computer so I don't have to deal with changing CD's and it can play all day long. I also have it play random songs so there is a good mixture of things. Well, I asked God to give me a song for Steven and I... I asked it to be the first son that came on when Steven walked in the door. Just as Steven walked in the door, the song Nothing is Impossible by Jennifer Knapp came on! Praise God! So, Steven will be here at 6:15 in the morning to pick me up... gotta get to sleep so I can be up and ready. Goodnight everyone... God Bless You! Toi
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