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June 15, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was pretty good. Brenda came to church with me. I'm not really sure how she felt about it though. She sort of sat the for a lot of it with her arms folded... she looked like a mother that was just waiting for their child to come up with an excuse for something. But she tends to sit like that a lot, so I can't read her by that. Hey, at least she came, and is reading the Bible. The service was nice. Pastor Ken began speaking about the gifts of the Holy Spirit. He said he will be reviewing this a lot in the coming weeks. I brought my cushion to sit on this time, and it felt a lot better, Praise The Lord. My tailbone is slowly starting to not hurt so much. I had to stop taking the pills that the doctor gave me for it. They were actually pills for epilepsy, because the shocking pain I would get there was the same as the electrical charge the nerves in the brain produce when having a seizure. Well, the pills felt like they were working, but they made me so sick! I could not even focus on something right in front of my face without getting dizzy. I think God was prompting me to stop taking them so that I could see that the pills were not making me feel better... He was. Praise God! They had a nice Father's Day Service. One of the deacons said something that I have said before, and it was kewl. He spoke about his dad, and how much he loved him, and how many ways his father showed him that he loved him. He spoke about all of the sacrifices his dad made over the years to make sure his son was happy and safe. Then he said "If my earthly father, who is a sinner like all of us, loves me that much... how much MORE does our Heavenly Father loves us? HOW MUCH MORE!" It's neat listening to him speak because he's from Virginia originally, and he has this little southern twang. Anyway, that's about it for now. Toi
Monday June 16, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was a very difficult day. I cried a lot. Nothing really happened to cause it, I just all of a sudden felt the need to cry... many times. That's happened a lot over the past few weeks as a matter of fact! When the Bible talks about offering a sacrifice of praise, I believe this is when it is referring to. It's not a sacrifice to Praise The Lord when you are happy... but it is when you are feeling like you are in a pit and going to die, or wishing you would. To offer Him Praise then... that's a sacrifice of praise. Praise God, because I know He will rescue me. Thank you Jesus. I was laying on my couch, just crying my eyes out. It was one of those really big cries... remember when you were little, and you cried so much that you could only breath in little gasps... well, that's what I was doing... and I was talking to God. And suddenly, I felt this peace come over me... and I really felt like Jesus was there, comforting me. The Bible verse about "I will shelter you under my wing" came into my mind, and I fell asleep. Praise The Lord. Toi
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, today was nice... I cried some, but not as much as I did yesterday. Steven brought me to church tonight for my prayer meeting, Praise The Lord. I can see many changes in him. Subtle ones, but I notice them. Thank God that He is working. Toi
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, I had to bring Bud back to the vet this morning to have his abses (sp?) drained, and have a couple of teeth removed... poor thing. It was such a rainy day today, and when I was sitting out in the parking lot of the vets office, I cried. That vet was the vet that Steven and I brought all of our cats to when we had 12... before we had Jacob, and it just hurt my heart. I didn't make it to Bible Study tonight, but I have been doing a lot of studying at home. It just doesn't feel the same, ya know? Toi
Friday, June 20, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, I have something to get over... and it is really bugging me. Every time Steven is here, in the city, with Jacob, he goes over our friend Pat's house. Not that that in and of itself bothers me. He grew up with Pat, and she has been one of my best friends for years and years... she is Jacobs God-mother, and I will be watching her son Joshua over the summer. But there are 2 things that bug me about this. 1. Pat works from home at night. She types up medical manuscripts for doctors, aside from being a legal secretary during the day, and raising 3 boys on her own. Whenever I want to go visit her, I call her and ask her if she is working... and some nights she is... there are only a few nights a week that she has free to visit. So with Steven going over there 2 - 3 nights a week, I feel like I can't visit her. I know that is selfish, and only me reacting in the flesh to this. I should be thankful and pleased that he is going over there. Pat and I have had many conversations about Steven and I, and I have been comfortable with the fact that she stands with me in this. But... 2. Part of me wants to call her up and ask her if he's said anything, done anything that she could tell me about... and I know I cannot do that. And there is a part of me that is afraid that maybe Steven is changing her mind about me. I have not called her since the first time he went over there... that was mostly because I didn't want her to think I was only calling to 'get the scoop'. Now I don't know what to do... I feel like I have lost a friend. This is where I have to remember to not react to things that I see in the flesh. That is what the enemy wants me to do, see in the flesh and react in the flesh... but I choose to trust God... Praise The Lord! I did mention to Steven this evening when he told me he was bringing Jacob over there to play with Josh again that I can never go over there when I have a free night because he is always there (Praise God he's there and not somewhere else!)... so at about 7pm he called me and told me that he and Jacob were going to the park and leaving Pat's house, so if I wanted to g visit, I could. Well, that was kewl... except he has my car, and I had no way of getting over there. I just sat home and did a lot of crying.... again. Me Later Dear Diary, Okay, so I allowed myself to be in a bit of funk for a while, but He is lifting me out of it… Here is a prayer that I wrote tonight. Well God, here I sit, trying to figure out how I am supposed to talk to you. I feel so alone right now father... I know this battle is not a battle of flesh and blood, but it hurts in the flesh soooo much. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want my husband home, Lord. I am sorry for all that I did to bring this about. I am sorry. You can see my heart, right? So you know how broken it is right now. I am trying to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, but I fail al to. It rips my heart apart when I get these views of things that hurt me! Please God! Remove this from me... take this cup from me father, if you will... but Your will, not mine. I feel like I am loosing my mind Lord! Please.. Help me. I am crying out to you... I trust You! You know I do... the only thing that holds me back is my thinking that I am not worthy...or that you wont do for me. Please Jesus, make your presence real to me. Make it not something that I am grasping for, but something that I can hold onto. I know I ask for so much. Things that I probably don’t deserve. Or maybe this feeling of condemnation is not of you. This is a spiritual battle. I know that. I went for so long, feeling so good. I just knew what I knew, and I really had that peace. Now I feel like I am being broken all over again. And I don't think I can handle it. It doesn't feel like I can. I want to die God. This hurts so very much, that I really want to die. But I won't. I know that. You know that I would never hurt myself... but sometimes, I feel so lost that I get really scared that one day I will just want to end it. And then I realize that for me to feel that way would mean that the hurt would be more than I am feeling now... and that hurts me. This is a battle taking place in the heavens, right? It must be really intense right now, because it seems to have gotten harder. Not a day goes by when I don't all of a sudden break down and cry... I can feel it coming on. I know that I have to be alone, so I can cry out to you. I cannot imagine going through this everyday for the rest of my life. I feel so lost. I know You are with me. I know Jesus is with me... I know that you sent Your Holy Spirit to comfort me... so the only reason that I feel this way for so long must be because there is some real action taking place somewhere that I can't see it. But I am feeling it. You know that everyday it seems I am asking you for a word. Does that mean that I don’t trust you? I don’t think so. But I could be wrong. Like I have said before, it feels like when someone’s leg is broken.. They know that one day it will heal. But while it is still broken, it hurts. And when they cry out from the pain, it doesn’t mean that they think it will not heal... it just hurts. You understand this, God, don't you? I am told to constantly praise you... and I think I do. I know I speak it often... but more importantly, I feel it. If I could never ever talk again, I would praise you still, in my heart. I am in awe of you. To know that You really are there, and your hand is over everything amazes me. To consider how very much I love Steven, Jacob, my earthly father... and then to know that I cannot love them with even a minute fraction of the love that you have for me... stuns me. I cannot fathom it. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts, right? There have been many things that I have been through in my life, that once they were over, I could see the good that came from it. And I am sorry, Father, that even though in my heart I knew You were the reason that I came through it, that I never acknowledged You the way that I should have. When the song says 'and saved a wretch like me' I really understand what it means. A wretch like me... and there are times that I feel even worse than the wretch in the song. I don't know why. I am scared, Lord. Scared. I am scared that I can't make it through this. I am scared that I am not helping Jacob through this. I am scared that I am going to do something wrong and mess everything up... again. But you did not give me a spirit of fear, right? I have to pray.... and I try to. You know that. But is there some formula out there that I have not come across yet? I guess not... as I write this, I remember all of the prayers that you have answered for me. Praise You God! Some you have answered with very precise answers, and others I have had to wait for, but just the same, you have answered them. Lord, I pray that you would cover me, and protect my family and me during this battle. If feeling this way during the battle is something that I have to endure in order to 'finish the race' then I will. But God, I wish I could just talk to you. Really talk to you. Like sit down and have a conversation as I would with an earthly person. I wish I could just open my eyes, and Jesus would be standing there, and we could talk. I wish I could know the battle plan. I guess in a way, I do... but it still hurts. So, again, God, I pray for protection during this time of battle. God, I pray that you would continue to work on Steven... and I have seen changes, Praise You! But then, you know what happens? When he walks away, or leaves the house, those changes and answered prayers become vague and foggy. I know, that is the enemy, trying to steal the joy you have given to me. And I try so very hard to remember that. Please help me to remember that. What does your word say? Hope is the certainty of things not seen? OK. I am trying so very hard to work with that, God. Father, I pray that everyday you would cover Steven with your love, and but a hedge of protection around him. Whatever the fancy words are for it, God, you know what I mean. I want him to stop hiding his feelings. I want him to remember how he felt that day when Aunt Rhea was here, when he was crying more than I was. I want him to stop acting like none of this is bothering him. I know that he does not allow himself to remember that, because it hurt so much that day for him, and he cant, or thinks he can't deal with it. I want all of the layers of lies and deceit that he has allowed to pile up on his heart to be removed. I want him to feel overfull with love me. I want him to remember what it feels like to love me, and to miss it. I have forgiven him father, I think. There are times when I do allow myself to get angry a tiny bit, but then I try to remember to take my thoughts captive, and remove those feelings. Lord, if I am doing something wrong, please reveal it to me. Ad for Jen... well now... I want to forgive her, only because you want me to. Because Jesus said to. But I keep backsliding on that one, Lord. You know. I know she is your child, and you love her just as much as you love me and anyone else... but sometimes when I think of her, I feel like she is the cause of all of my troubles. She's not, and in the spirit, I know that. But in the flesh, I get very angry and bitter. I want her to feel the way I do. I want to know that when Steven comes home that she is suffering the way I have. I want to believe that there is something inherently wrong with her to have been married twice already. And I know that is wrong Father... but You said to be honest... so I am. Like David in the Psalms, when he cried out for vengeance against his enemies. Lord, please remove these feelings from me. I want to pray for her, and be sincere. But then I get into that "she's the adulteress' mode, and pray for her own bitterness to show through. And then, I pray for her salvation. Okay, Lord, I pray, that right now, while she is the adulteress, that you would reveal to her the pain that she has caused my family. That you would allow her to see that she was used by the enemy to hurt us. I ask Lord God that she be convicted, and repent. I ask that her family continue to look down on the relationship she is having with my husband. Not that you need any ideas, but maybe you could put someone in her path that is going through this (I DO NOT ask that someone that is not going through this go through it merely for me) but if there is someone near her that is already walking in this, I ask that you put them in her path so that she can see... maybe even lead her to a marriage restoration site, or literature... something, God, that will convict her! PLEASE! But again, let Your will be done, not mine. Would it be possible for you to just tell me what your will is, point by point? I know what You have led me to already. And I know what I think you have led me to. Lord, please give me discernment, to know when You are speaking to me, and when you are not. Lord, I pray that you would speak to me one more time regarding how long. I remember the first scripture that you gave me... and I remember when I prayed to you walking to school for Jacob that day... and as I sit here, I remember that the prayer you answered on the Friday before Mothers Day was regarding that as well... how do I loose sight of those things so fast? I don't know Lord, but can you help me out with that? I don't ever want to stop hearing from you. I want to talk to you every day. I want you to speak to me very day. I want to know Jesus, personally. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to fill me all the time. Help me Lord. Lord, also, help me to become the person that you want me to be. I still see so many things in me that I think should change... please help me to make those changes, God. I can't do tem on my own... I think we have both figured that one out. Thank you Father, for always being there for me. Thank you that as I look back on my life, and the things that you have carried me through, there are many many times that I think I actually did what you wanted me to do, without even knowing that it was of you. I guess that was part of where I began messing up, huh? I always thought that it was my righteousness that allowed me to forgive people for the wrongs that they did to me. It wasn't, and I know that now... it was You, through Your Holy Spirit. And I thank You for that. That’s what I mean when I say thank you. Thank you for working through me then... even though I was acting like it was me, and I gave you none of the Glory... and You deserve ALL OF IT. I am sorry. Lord, there are times that I feel like I am far away from you... and it doesn’t feel good. Please help me with that. Help me to do the things that will bring me closer to you. Help me in every single area of my life God. Show me what you want me to do. Right now, I don't know if I should start looking for a job, or prepare to do something that would allow me to stay home. I'll tell you that I feel like if I get a job, I wont have time to do what I want to do with You. I'm not saying that as a reason for me to not work. I just don't know what to do. Some of the literature that works out of Your Word says I should remain in the house... and I can do that... I have no problem with being a housewife... but right now, I need for you to guide me. I know you will provide for my every need, and bless me according to Your riches... but do you need me to do anything to help bring that about? Not that you need my help, but you know what I mean. Do you want me to stay home right now, or get a job? Please tell me. And please, when you do, let it be in way that I completely understand. The past two times, with Jessica and with Caol... I did not know if I was doing what you wanted me to do. I kind of feel like I rushed into the Jessica situation. But then I am not sure if that was your plan... one to have me realize that I need to wait on You, and your answers... and also, to bring us together for a time, for each of us to learn something. And with Caol, the same thing. Right now, when there are other people in my home, that you have blessed us with, I feel chaos and confusion. When it is just I and Jacob, and Steven... I feel peaceful. When others are here to live or stay, that’s one of the times that I feel like I am not walking close with you. Is that You telling me to keep our home quiet, so You and I can hang out, and I can concentrate on you, or is that me, and my flesh being selfish? HELP! Lord, thank you so much for everything that you have blessed my family with. Everything. Thank you for allowing this trial, so that I could come closer to You. Praise You that You are in control, and you know what is going on! Thank You Jesus, for dying for us sinners, so that, through Your blood, we can put satan on notice, that he is under our feet. Lord, there are many that I want to pray for. I really do say a prayer for all of the sick people in the world. Those that are sick in the body, and the spirit. Please help them, Lord. For your Glory. Let them know that you have healed them, in a way that they cannot question it. And I pray for all of the elderly people that feel lonely. Help tem too. I don't know what kind of help, but I know that you do. And God, I pray for Clarissa, that you would just let her know that You will sustain her. That Christ will carry her, and the Holy Spirit will comfort her. Help her get through this. Deliver her for this stronghold Father, forever... and help her be a witness to others. Help her mother and son also Father... to have the heart of Christ when dealing with her... to have the heart of Christ always, but especially with her. "If you eye causes you to sin, pluck it out." Ok, I hear you. I pray that I will be able to put it back in one day, and thank you that I will. Pat and I have been friends all of these years, and gone many times without speaking to each other often, so maybe that was part of the plan? So I could make it through this? You will turn all things to good for those that love You and are called according to your purpose. Thank You. Rose, Dear Lord... please, help her! It really pains me to see the bitterness she has regarding her moms passing. God, I don’t know what to say to her, or how to say it. Please Lord, help her. Draw her close to you. Help her want to know you. Help Todd as well Father. Bring this couple together again, for Your Glory. And her friend Stacey and her husband Lord. Help them too, and their families. Help Brenda to have the revelation that she was speaking about. Help her to know the truth, Lord. If I can be a vessel for that, then help me to do it. Lord, help Jacob in his prayer life. Help him to pray to you. I know you hear what is in his heart, Lord... but if there is something more that he needs to learn, help me to teach him. And thank you for trusting Steven and I with his care. My earthly father, Lois, and the rest of my family. Miyoshi, Aunt Ruthie, all of them Lord...please, protect them under your wing, and those that do not know Jesus as their Lord and Savior... please bring them to Him through The Holy Spirit, and for Your Glory Lord. Lord, heaviest on my heart is the marriages of the world. I pray for all of the people that belong to the Got Joy email list, all of those in Standing In Faith, all of those involved in Rejoice Ministries and Restore Ministries, Marriage Healing International and all of the hurting marriages out there that I have never heard about, and may never hear about. Lord, I ask for a mighty revival in marriages... I ask that you would just show your Glory through all of these marriage, and that you would see to it that Your will be carried out in all of these people. You said that there will be more rejoicing in heaven over the one lost sheep that is returned, than for the 99 that stayed... well, Lord, there are a lot of lost sheep out there... and because they are lost, they are breaking hearts. I know that You will use all of this for Your Glory father. I ask for your protection over these families during these trials... and that as each person is broken, they will seek you. And I pray for all of the marriage that have been restored Lord, for you to place warrior angles around their home and their loved ones, so that they may continue to grow in Your Word Lord, and live according to Your Love. I ask that you solidify the bond between these mates father, in their hearts, and stall any plans that the enemy has to harm them or cause them any more pain. Lord, I pray for Michelle and Marcus as well... that you would continue to work in their lives, and bring them closer together. Thank you for Michelle. Thank you for showing us both your hand in our meeting. Aunt Rhea and her family... please help them during this time of transition, and also, help them to come to know you father. Again, if I can be a vessel of that, than please, help me to do it. Lord, help me to stop worrying about my car. Thank you again Lord for the chance to show Steven unconditional love, through your grace. Praise You father. Thank you. Please protect him while he makes those long drive Lord... and let them become a time for him to reflect on his life, our life... and You. Lord, I would love to start a bible study about marriage. If this is in line with your will father. Help me to do it. And guide me to people that need this. Father, again, I pray for plaques of Pharoh's house to fall on the other woman. The plaques you sent while Pharoh had Sarah in his harem. I pray that all interest in my husband would dry up, and that his fleshly interest in her would dry up. I pray that a wall be built between them, father that it will become insurmountable. And I thank you that it is already begun. Praise You father! Lois Augustine and her friend John, Lord... please work your will in this situation. I am not sure what Your will is for them, but I know that John needs you, and Lois loves You Lord. Please protect them. And their families. Bring them all into your fold Father, and to Christ. Lord... I pray for the restoration of my covenant marriage. I thank you for all the times that you have spoken to me, and guided me... and I thank you for holding me and comforting me. I thank you for turning Stevens heart back to me. I Praise You Lord God. I also pray again, that Steven and I would be together soon as a wife and husband, if it is according toy our will Lord God. And Thank you. Lord, there are other people coming to my mind to pray for. I don’t know their needs; aside form the most important one, Jesus. But I will list their names, and according to Your will Father, work in their lives, and their families... Stacy , Aira, Lori, Lance and Trish, Brother Joe, Pastor Ken, Mrs. Heart, Uncle Rodney, Jessica... there was someone else that I had thought of, but I have forgotten who it was. But You know Lord, Carolyn , Mark , Tammy. Thank You father, for Your love and Mercy and Grace. Father, help me to draw closer to you tomorrow. Help me to get our home in order, and out of chaos, in a timely manner, so that I can get all of it done tomorrow. Especially Jacobs closet. Thank you Lord God, for the peace that has come over me, just while I sat and wrote this prayer. Lord, speak to me, please, tonight... in a dream or a vision... according to your will. Thank You Lord... in the name of the Father, Son Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit... Amen.
Saturday, June 21, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was peaceful. I did all of my big housework, and cleaned out Jacob's walk in closet, and that was quit a project! It took me 5 hours... but that was because I had to do a lot of while sitting on the floor, so I would not have to bend that much. I also watched all of my Bible Study videos while in his room and that helped me a lot. I did cry some, but it felt more like a cleansing cry than a heartbroken cry. I will make it through this... if God is for me, who can be against me? Toi
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