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Sunday, June 8, 2003 Dear Diary, Well... I almost didn't go to church this morning. I was in soooooooooooo much pain... and I was trying to justify it with God would understand. Then it occurred to me if I could flip a table over twice yesterday, then I could get my but to church. So I did. Praise God! It was all about trusting God again! I love the way that God works! He is awesome! I can't sit here long and write, so this is going to be short. You know, I know that there are many of my friends, and family that read this, and think I have gone off of the deep end… and for that I am sorry. I have had many discussions (some of them heated) about the extreme people feel I have gone in my walk with God. And he shall have it, and his seed after him, even the covenant of an everlasting priesthood; because he was zealous for his God, and made an atonement for the children of Israel. Revelations 3:19 – Words of Christ As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. My zeal for God is not something that I strive for, or try to do… it is something that I feel in my heart… in the same way that when I see a puppy and desire to cuddle it and pet it and love it… I feel the way I feel about God and His place in my life. For those of you that don’t understand it, I am sorry. For those of you that don’t agree with it, I am even more sorry. I pray that one day you will be able to recognize the blessings that come from a life surrendered to God. I have, and I will not turn away from that. In His Grace, Toi
Tuesday, June 9, 2003 Praise The Lord!!!!!! God is working, and I love Him!!!! On Monday I went to court at my husbands request. As you know, I had originally planned on not attending, and just allowing God to work. But I went. I was petrified. Not because I didn't think God could handle the situation, I was just unsure of how I would deal with whatever happened. I stood in the main hall of the court, and prayed. I was able to witness to a man there that was on his 3rd divorce. I pray that my words will reverberate in his mind and heart, and he will come to the Lord for peace. My husband and I sat with his lawyer, and discussed our finances. Prior to this, my husband had said that he would pay me child support, and pay all of the household bills until we made an agreement with our attorneys (I never got one). He was to be responsible for my car payment, insurance, a personal loan, and all of the utilities in our home. His attorney stated that from this point forward, we will each be responsible for half of everything. We both agreed. My child support was reduced by almost $50 per week. That made me nervous, but I knew God would provide. While my husband was responsible for the above bills, I paid on our furniture and other cash bills that we have here at home. Now my husband has to give me half of the money every week for our cash bills, and the total that he has to give me is now more than what he originally had to give me! Praise The Lord! I KNEW HE would turn all things to good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose! (Romans 8:28... my favorite!) While in the courtroom, I was in a lot of pain, and my husband was very sympathetic to me. I found out today that I now have something called coccydynia, which is damage to the nerves in my tailbone. I will be going to a pain clinic to assist me in getting rid of the shocking pain in my back... but I am still Praising The Lord!!! I just feel that He is using this to work on my husband, and I told Him that I will endure it if it is His will. At one point in court I said to my husband, who was sitting right next to me, that I felt the urge to put my head on his should, and could I? He looked as if he was going to say yes, then he looked around the courtroom, and said "Not in the divorce court." Praise The Lord, because he was going to say yes. He then walked me to my car, which was a block away from his, and helped me into my car. I asked him if he wanted to come home so we could talk, and he looked a little sad and said "No, not today." I asked him why and he said "I just don't think it would be a good idea today." Again, praising the Lord! My husband didn't want to come over because he was allowing his feelings for me to resurface for a minute, and he didn't want to encourage that. Some may ask why would I praise the Lord for that? Well, because God allowed me to see that there is still love there! And then today, my husband and I spent about an hour on the phone, trying to work out my car insurance. He had not paid the bill in 3 months, and my insurance was cancelled, and my registration was going to be revoked tomorrow. Since he has been responsible for the bills he took with him, he has not been able to pay my insurance, the loan or my car payment. He was telling me how difficult it was going to be for him to make all of the payments he had to make this payday. I did say to him "Do you see now how hard it was? Even though we made good money, we have a lot of bills, and wanted a lot of things." While my husband was home, I paid the bills, and yes, we are in debt... but never was anything turned off, or repossessed, or late. Now we are 3 months behind on the loan, I paid my last car payment, I paid almost $500 on our utilities to keep them from being turned off, even though my husband was supposed to be responsible for them. He said he knows sees how hard it was! Praise The Lord! His eyes are being opened, and God is working in his heart! Some people, that don't understand standing, may say things like "How pathetic... hanging on to that." Nope, that is where they are mistaken! God works people! He is moving, and he shows us. Those that refuse to see it are missing out. He will sustain us... His grace is sufficient! If we see these small things in our lives, and don't grab them and hang onto them, then we are giving in to the enemy. He is who wants us to see these little baby steps and disregard them. I know that everything happens with God's hand over it, so how could I think that these thing meant nothing. Not happening! Don't ever give up on God... every time I am trying to bend down, or sit, or get into bed, and this electrifying pain shoot through my spine, I praise the Lord! I rejoice in the Lord in everything! Delight Yourself in The Lord, and He will grant you the desires of your heart! Until tomorrow, Toi Later Dear Diary, Today has been a day that is blessed!!!!!!!!!!! Praise To Our Mighty God! HE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I had a gazillion mouths I could not give Him enough praise and glory! Your read in my last entry how my husband was having a hard time making all of his bills this month with the new agreement that his lawyer came up with, right? Well, after we had finished on the phone, I remembered that he was supposed to pay $251.00 on our electric bill this Friday along with all of the other things we had discussed earlier. This was a bill he was supposed to pay a while ago, but was never able to. When I reminded him of it, he was very distraught. He wanted to try to get the breaks done on his car, as they have been very very very bad... I could hear him coming to our house from over a block away. We called the electric company, and were told that if the bill is not paid this Friday, the electric will be turned off, so he really had no choice. He then told me that he was going to drive to the bank and deposit the money for the bill. Well, about a 1/2 hour later he called me to tell me he had put the money in and said that his breaks locked up while he was driving, and that her really didn't know what to do now. By the grace of God, and through His Holy Spirit, I knew exactly what to do. I told my husband to come and get my car. We had just fixed everything with the registration and the insurance, so it would be fine for him to have. He was very hesitant... he said that I needed the car. I told him that I would rather be without an auto than worry about him driving his car back and forth from Mass to Connecticut 2 1/2 hours each way every day. He asked me what I would do about getting our son to school, and things like that. I again told him not to worry about it, but I wanted him to use my car so I could know that he was safe. He finally agreed. He was going to then try to drive his car from work to our house, and take my car. Well, he called me later and said his car would not even move, the brakes would not unlock and could I come to get him. I said yes by the grace of God without hesitation, even though driving is not my favorite thing with my tail bone being injured. I have a small bottle of holy oil to anoint with while praying. I anointed my car and prayed over it, and asked God to work mightily in Stevens heart while he was in the car... to protect him, and reveal Himself to him. And I drove there praying up a storm! I Praised God and thanked him for allowing me this opportunity to show my husband unconditional love. I then asked God to give me a sign, just one thing told hold onto that would be His word to me that Steven will be home. I asked Him that it be through something Steven either said or did, just please, give me something. I quoted Bible verses, and claimed promises all the way there. When I got there my husband offered to drive, and we talked about the goings on with my tailbone. I also told him that I would see what I could do to help him with the money for the brake job his car needs. We got to our home, and he took out all of my things that I need from my car... he is now driving around a car with praise the lord bumper stickers, and Jesus signs! PTL! Well, my husband came upstairs to say hi to our son, and let him know that he would be back tomorrow. I offered to make him spaghetti, his favorite meal, and he said no, but what about tomorrow! Then, without my asking or anything, he walked over to me as he was leaving and hugged me! TIGHT! PRAISE OUR GLORIOUS LORD GOD! Steven has never ever offered me anything like that, and for a long time it was a struggle to get even a nice word from him! I am so thankful and praising God! My husband will be home one day. I just have to hold on, and continue to follow the word of God! My 2 neighbors were shocked when I told them I would be without a car for a while because I let Steven use it. Especially since the long drive he makes is to the other woman's house. Praise God! I may be in the world, but I am not of the world, and I see nothing wrong with it. This is God allowing me to show my husband unconditional love... real love... I told him that I wanted him to drive carefully, not because it was my car, but because it was him, and I love him. He said thanks... I will be on my face later (as much as I can be with my tailbone) offering more Praise To Our Heavenly Father! I will sing Him praises, and exalt His Holy name! Thank you Lord... and remember... these sign are not just for me... God is not a respecter of persons! These are for you as well! Keep on keeping on! Don't loose faith, don't give up... don't be double minded! God is faithful! He is AWESOME!!!!! For the past two weeks things have looked miserable, and I admit, it was difficult to continue to Praise without doubting, but I was not going to give in. And by the grace of God, I am able to give this praise report! He is a Glorious Father, and He deserves ALL of the Glory Honor and Praise for all He is doing in every single one of our lives! Don't give up or give in! He will give good gifts if only we believe and trust Him with everything! Praise God! Hallelujah! Toi
Friday, June 13, 2003 Dear Diary, I know I have said this before, but I will say it again... I should prepare myself for the times that come after a really high high... because it feel like a really low low follows. It's during these times that I cannot fathom what is happening in my life. I just can't comprehend it. It hurts so much. But, I will and am continuing to Praise The Lord, because no matter what it looks like in the flesh, the battle belongs to The Lord... and He has never lost, amen? I called the vet today for our oldest cat, Bud. I think he has an abses (sp?) or something. This is Stevens favorite cat, and I talked to him about it on Thursday. I told him that I had the money up front to pay for the visit, and he agreed to give me half of what it costs on the first when he gets paid. Bud is 14 years old. We got him when we lived in our first apartment and he was just a tiny little thing... now he's a horse! Gonna go read my Bible and chat with my Lord Jesus Christ. Then I am going to make lasagna and brownies for Steven for fathers day. He LOVES my lasagna. That was always the meal I made for him for homecomings... Praise The Lord! So, I gotta get out of this funk I have been in the past few days and do something constructive. Toi
Saturday, June 14, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, Praise The Lord, today was much much better! Steven came over early this morning to pick up Bud to bring him to the vet, and when he got back, Jacob and I gave him his fathers day presents. He was very happy for the lasagna. I am Praising The Lord, as I am seeing changes in his attitude, and the way he says things to me. And he hugged me again! Thank You Jesus! Then Brenda, Jacob and I went to a cook out at the church. They played volleyball, which I could not play because of my tailbone... I love volleyball. Played it all 4 years in high school. But the cookout was good. We dedicated our flag pole, and heard from some veterans that came to speak. There was a solider there that came home for a couple of weeks. He is a member of our church and we have been praying for him while he is over in Iraq. When the Pastor was talking about how happy his wife was to have him home, I of course, cried. An older lady passed out in the parking lot... I guess it was too hot for her. The prayer team prayed for her while she was on the ground, and then everyone there gathered around and prayed. She was feeling much better when the ambulance came, but they took her anyway, as she is older, and they wanted to just make sure everything was okay. So, again, Praise The Lord! Toi
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