 |
|
 |
| Monday,
June 2, 2003 Dear Diary, Let me begin by telling you about my foster daughter. There is something about her. She has spoken to me many times regarding God speaking to her, and has told me that He tells her things. I have never pushed her in these things, and just let her talk as she is moved to do so. About 2 weeks ago, she came running into my room and said she had something to tell me. She said that my husband was going to come home, but first it was going to get harder, and that I would have to just trust Him. She also said that she knew about something that was going to happen, but she could not tell me what it was, because then God would not trust her to tell her anything else. The first thing that struck me about this was the fact that just that evening, when I was at Bible study (she stayed home with a neighbor) someone told me when you pray for others, sometimes God will reveal things to you, but you should not share those things with the person your are praying for unless God tells you to. (I am paraphrasing). So when she told me that, I just listened, and Praised The Lord. Then a few nights later, she mentioned it again, but said she could not tell me what was going to happen because then God would change it and it would be even worse. This kind of worried me. Well, yesterday, I went to a birthday party for my niece on my husbands side. It was at a skating rink. My husband was supposed to come, but 1 1/2 hours into the party, he still was not there. I was a bit relieved, because I was worried that he would bring the other woman (I know, who adds an hour to their life by worrying.) I had on skates, and was skating with everyone, enjoying myself. Then, I saw my husband out of the corner of my eye... no other woman in sight... PTL!. I went over and spoke to him for a few minutes, and he gave me the child support money. I then went on and skated, feeling very peaceful. About 1/2 hour later, as I was skating, I promise you, nothing was in front of me or around me to make me fall, but suddenly, my feet where in the air above my head, and my rump was hitting the floor... HARD!!!! So hard that I ripped my jeans! As soon as I hit I knew it was bad. I wanted to just jump right up and laugh it off, I mean, how embarrassing! But I could not move the pain was shooting down my legs and through my back. I started to cry, and a crowd gathered around. People were polkaing and prodding me, asking me if I could feel my legs and what not. At one point, the rink manager was there, and she asked me if my husband was with me (I guess she saw my wedding ring)... I just kept crying. Finally my sister in law said "He's standing right behind you". I didn't know he was over the with the crowd. I tried to get up, but could not... the pain was so very very bad. They called an ambulance, and my sister in law told my husband she would go with me to the hospital, and he could take Jacob. Then she asked if he would rather go with me. He told her to ask me. Well, now, we all know what I wanted, but I just cried and said that I didn't care. The EMT's came in and put me on a back board, and got me to the hospital. The ride was horrible! I felt every little pebble in the he road and cried and cried and cried! When I got to the emergency room they put me in a room and left me there for what felt like ever. Finally someone came in and took whatever information they could get from the babbling baby that I was. I was wracked with pain, and had my arms over my head, crying still. At one point I saw the feet of another person walk into the room. When I moved my arm, who do you think was standing there? Steven! He started rubbing my arm, and telling me to relax, that it would be okay. My whole body was shaking and he was trying so hard to relax me. He got me tissues, and tried to make me comfortable. At that point I didn't know what was making me cry more, the fact that I was in pain, or that he chose to come be with me. They brought me in for x-rays, and of course, had to remove my jeans. When they brought me back into the room I was in, my jeans were tangled up around my ankles, and the sheets were all twisted around me. My husband removed my covers, and adjusted my undergarments and helped me with my jeans. Then he covered me. A while later the doctor came in and said the good news was that my tailbone was not broken... the bad news was that it hurts more when it's not broken because you do so much more damage to the surrounding tissues and muscles. She then gave me a prescription for perkasets (sp?) and Motrin for the swelling, and a donut to sit on. My husband said "We'll go to the pharmacy before we go home." To anyone else, those words would mean little, but to people in my situation "we go home" means a lot. On the way out he asked me what pharmacy I wanted to go to. I told him I did not have the money to fill the prescriptions, as what he gave me was all for rent. He guided me to his car (he had a friend drive my car home), and apologized every time he went over a bump. He then stopped at the pharmacy! He paid for my medication. The he brought me home, took out the dog and the trash, and brought me coffee. He then said he would be back on Monday. When my sister in law brought my son home, she told me what he had said to her in he car... "I don't think satan made Muma fall, but God let her fall so that daddy could help her, and then he would get his memory back and come home so we can be a family again." My sister law said she almost started to cry... mind you this is my husbands sister, PTL! Then Jessica came home today.. she stayed overnight with her grandparents... and she said the same thing. I asked her "Was this what you were talking about" She nodded her head and said she only knew that I was going to get hurt, and Steven would help me. I am in so much pain, and sitting here at the computer all of this time is really hurting! But I wanted to share this with you all. I saw so much of who my husband is... the real Steven, and I was Praising The Lord the whole time. I not sure how long this pain will last, but I already told God, if this was part of His plan, I would go through it every day until Steven came home if He needed me to. And, to top it off, while Jessica was with her grandparents, who are member of my church, she accepted Jesus into her heart, and prayed with a group of the elderly people from he church! Praise The Lord! And He will turn all things to good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8: 28 Goodnight Toi
Wednesday, June 4, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, I don't know what to do about Jessica. When she wants to be good... she's great. But when she wants to not be good... watch out Nelly! Her social worker called her today because she refused to go to school yesterday, and I was hardly able to stand at her bedroom door to wake her up, never mind fight with her. The other night we had a conversation about her following the rules. I told her that she has to follow them, period. She doesn't get to pick and choose what she follows. She kept telling me the rules were stupid. We're talking rules like, do your h0omework when you get home from school... don't use other peoples things without asking... respect other members of the household... and get to bed on time. She can be very stubborn when she wants to be. Anyway, I ended up telling her "Follow the rules, and you can stay... don't follow the rules, and you will have to leave." She looked me straight in the face and said "What if I choose to not follow the rules and stay?" I pretty much gave up at the point with the conversation. She will make a great debate leader! I can't fight with her though.. Because we'll always be fighting. But the problem is if I don't talk to her about any issues, then I am walking around the house all up tight and gruff. So her social worker called and told her that she had to go to school, and he spoke to her about the rules and things. She cried and cried and cried... and I felt such a compassion for her. I sat in her room with her, and she cried for 2 hours. She said to me "I know I took advantage of you... I know how to be respectful, how to do everything you asked me... but sometimes I think it's cute to be the way I am." She said this on her own, I did not at any point say "Jessica, you are taking advantage of me." Her social worker wanted to remove her from my house on Thursday, but by the time our conversation was through, I told her I would ask him to let her have one more chance. I know how if feels to be so desperate, and long for another chance. She even said to me "I know I can do it... I didn't do it before because I never thought of it as my last chance, but now I know, it's my last chance." Ok, I said, we'll talk to Ed (her social worker). He is supposed to come over tomorrow to go over a list of his own rules. Things like she is not supposed to call her family without approval from him. I didn't know that, and she has been doing that. Both her mother and father have my phone number, and one time when we were visiting her grandmother, she called her dad and he came over... big no no according to Ed. But he knew that I did not know about those things, as I was brought into this whole system rather quickly. So we'll see what he says tomorrow. My tailbone still really really hurts... it's like I am being electrocuted any time I move! These Motrin they game me are not cutting it in the least. I just keep Praising God when it hurts (after I scream at the sudden pain). :) Toi
Friday, June 6, 2003 Well... Jessica is gone. It was so very sad, and it broke my heart. Ed came over on Thursday and laid out a list of rules for Jessica. Things about bedtimes, chores, homework and the like. She was very defiant, and man is she a tough cookie when she gets like that. That was not making Ed any happier with her. At one point, she said to him "So, how long do I have to be perfect for?" He told her his goal was not to make her perfect, but because of the situation, he had to feel assured that she was going to do what was expected of her. She got very belligerent, but agreed to his terms. Otherwise, he was going to remove her and place her in a group home that night. Well, later that night, at about 9 I told her to start getting ready for bed, as Ed had set her bedtime for 9:30. She put putted around the house, but I was not going to push it too much. I usually let her go to bed at 10, so I figured if she could get there by then, it would still be good. I kept reminding her though, that she was running behind. I couldn't really tell what she was doing, as I was laying in bed with an ice pack on my rear end. Well, don't you know, at 15 of 11 I got up, and there she was in the bathroom... putting on a facial mask. My facial mask that she did not ask to use, and she was very late for bed! When I said something to her, again, I got the contentious child. Very contentious. She said she hated the rules, but she would follow them till she was 18 and then be done with everyone. There was more discussion, which I tried to avoid. I kept telling her to just drop it, and let it. Well, that didn't happed. At one point Brenda came upstairs to see what was going on because she could hear us. And she was late for school the next day. And she had been told that if she was late one more time she would have a detention. Well, one thing led to another (there was a lot that went on during this time, but I am writing this 3 weeks later and details are fuzzy), and Ed came and got her at about 4pm. I was torn. Part of me felt horrible that she was going through this all over again, but there was such a sense of peace in the house after. Steve called me and asked me to please go to court on Monday. I told him I didn't want to, but he started getting aggravated. The the Lord reminded me "Agree with your adversary quickly" and "Submit to your husband." So I agreed to go. I just have to trust that God will be my defender, and everything will work out for the best. Steven told me that he was having his attorney remove the item about his getting full physical custody of Jacob, Praise The Lord!
Saturday, June 7, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, today was not a good day... not good at all! Well, it was a day that The Lord made, and I will rejoice in that, but man, I made some really bad choices today... Steven came over at like 2 in the afternoon to pick up Jacob. I can't remember why he couldn't take him Friday night, but anyway. I had told Jacob that because he missed out on spending Friday night with daddy, if he wanted he could not go to Sunday school on Sunday, and daddy could keep him longer on Sunday instead of dropping him off at church at 10:30am. When Steven got here Jacob asked him, and Steve said no because he had other plans. Well, I was just in a funk. I was trying to move furniture around, in total pain, mind you, to get Jessica's room straightened out. So, I let Stevens reason for not spending time with Jacob bug me, but didn't say anything yet. Then Steven asked me again about going to court on Monday. I started to cry instantly and said I don't want to go. He ran right for the door, and I started yelling. I mean yelling! Oh boy. Up to now I thought I had completely forgiven him, but with the things that I was throwing up in his face... I had some serious repenting to do. Then, and I can't believe that I did this... I flipped over the kitchen table. It felt like someone stabbed me in the back (thankfully we have a very small table). Jacob started crying, the dog ran, and Steven started looking for the lit cigarette that was on the table in an ash tray. The table had been covered with stuff from me trying to clean out Jessica's room, so I made a big mess. Steven very graciously picked up most of the stuff, and set the table upright again. And I looked at him and said "Are you finished?" He nodded... and I flipped it over again. Told you I made some really bad choices. Then I started screaming like a raving lunatic. Brenda came upstairs and got Jacob, and Steven and I fought... it was so ugly. At one point he said he was going to call the police. It was really bad. I don't know how long it took, but I finally calmed down, and felt the intense pain in my tailbone really kick in. Steven calmed enough to gather Jacobs things and head out the door. As he was running down the stairs I yelled out "I LOVE YOU!" and he called back "OK". In the midst of all that, I feel like Praising The Lord! After everything that I had done, Steven still chose to acknowledge what I said. I don't think I would have been surprised if he hadn't said a word... but he called it out from the bottom of the stairs. Praise God! What a mess I had to clean up. Brenda helped me a lot, thank God. I could do fine from the waist up, but anything that required me to bend or twist wasn't happening. After she left, I started crying like a fool. I really and truly felt like I was going to loose my mind. I needed to speak to someone. I knew Brenda was downstairs, but she really doesn't understand what I am going through, or why I am going through it. I wanted to try to call on of my prayer partners, but I could not find her phone number... then I remembered that one of the ministries I belong to on line electronically set me up with an encouragement partner. We had not really emailed much, but I knew that somewhere I had her phone number in an email. Praise The Lord! She lifted me up so much! And the funny thing is that we have so much in common! Mind you, people do not pick these encouragement partners, it is done electronically... the only criteria for a match is weather or not you are separated or divorced. There were soooooooo many things that we had in common we were both Praising The Lord... He was showing us His hand in our match up! And she was so good to talk to. I felt so very much better after getting off of the phone with her. I really feel like there is a spiritual battle going on. That's what the Bible says. We do not fight against flesh and blood... and I think that the enemy was not happy that I was following God's Will, and somehow I allowed him to get a hold on me and he tried to destroy what God's plan is. Tch tch tch... hasn't he read the book of Revelations? Doesn't he know that he can't win? The battle is already won! Praise God I feel so much better right now! Thanking God, Toi
Please sign my guestbook and let me know you were here! Thank You!
Use the button below to make a donation to assist in keeping this site up and running.
Since March 12, 2003 |
