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| Sunday
May 25, 2003 Dear Diary, I have been doing a lot of studying over the weekend regarding a contentious woman vs. The Proverbs woman. During the study, I also learned about God's desire and plan for the husband to be the head of the household. (I had read these things in the Bible before, but thought they didn't apply to me). The Holy Spirit revealed to me the many many areas that I fell short in regarding this. My poor husband has been sitting on the corner of the roof for many years. Anyway, my husband had my son over the weekend, and was to bring him to church this morning to meet me before the service. When my husband pulled up and my son got out, I could tell that my son was not feeling well. My husband said that he had been congested all morning. Jacob asked me if he could skip Sunday school and go home. I told him no, that he would be okay for an hour. My husband and I said goodbye, and he began to prepare to drive away. Jacob started crying and said he really wasn't feeling well, so I asked him if he wanted me to ask Daddy if he could stay with him for the hour, and I would be home after church. He said yes, so I ran to the car and asked Steven if he would be willing to sit with Jacob until Church was over back at our house. He said no, that Jacob had been fine a little while earlier, and he could tough it out. Now, my flesh wanted to point out many things to him. The old me would have jumped up and down with insults and things to make my husband feel guilty. Things like "Can't you see the kid is sick? What's more important to you? Spending one more hour with your son, or getting back to Connecticut ASAP? Some father you are!" But I listened to the still small voice in my head that said simply "submit". So, instead, I said "Okay babe, no problem", and turned to Jacob and told him that he would have to make it as long as possible, and we would go from there. The kewl thing is that there was not struggle. I did not have to bite my tongue and make myself say those words... I just knew it was the right thing to say. And I felt a peace. This caused me to reflect on the numerous times that I did just the opposite. I did not care what my husband had to say, I was going to have the last word, and be right, or make him miserable. That was never my intent, but it was most certainly the result. I feel that the enemy hoped that through this situation, I would fall away from the Spirit, and react in the flesh, but by the Grace of God, I did not. And amazingly enough, the service was about Christ being the head of every man, and man being the head of his wife, and their roles in that. The pastor reviewed the exact scriptures I had been studying over the weekend! This was another benefit to listening to God. See, I could have just agreed with my husbands not wanting to stay, and then disobeyed him by taking Jacob home and skipping the service. But The Holy Spirit led me to stay. Another plan of the enemy's thwarted. Had I disobeyed my husband, I would never have received the confirmation of what I had been studying in the Scriptures and maybe would have then questioned what I felt I was learning. We serve an Awesome God! Not only was I able to learn more about the Scripture I had been studying, and follow Gods Word, but I was also able to show my husband a different and new side of me. I am sure he was prepared to battle with me... that he was expecting me to say and react like the old me would have. Praise The Lord... when we give Him control, and follow Him, we can only move closer to Him! May God Bless!
Monday May 26, 2003 Dear Diary, You know what I have learned today? That there are many Christians that do not know what it means to live a surrendered life. I am feeling really burdened about this. It’s like I know the secret to something big, and want to tell everyone! I feel like Moses must have. He knew, KNEW what God in store for everyone… yet they didn’t want to believe, and continued to grumble and complain about their life, and how much better off they were before. I can imagine how he felt going to bed at night, because some nights I feel that way. In His Love, Toi
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 Praise The Lord and Glory To God! My husband called today for my son...normally I don't speak to him when he calls unless he asks to speak to me, which rarely happens. Today, he asked to speak to me, and when I got on the phone he said to me... are you ready? "I just wanted to apologize for Sunday... that was really messed up what I did. I am sorry." Hallelujah! I was obedient, and the Holy Spirit worked on my husband... I know he was expecting me to fight with him about not keeping Jacob out of Sunday School, and the 2 1/2 hour drive to Connecticut was a lot for time for him to think. Praise The Lord! Thank you father God for allowing me to see You Moving! :)
Thursday, May 29, 2003 I just wanted to share with everyone what a difficult two days I have had. When I woke up on Wednesday, I could tell it was going to one of those crying days. Though most of my days are spent rejoicing, I do have days where tears prevail. My last crying day was Easter Sunday. I went through most of Wednesday pretty good. Up until 3 pm, when my husband called and said that he ha made arrangements to have dinner at my sons aunts house... he had forgotten that I had made his favorite dish for him. In the flesh I wanted to say something mean to him, but I didn't because I know that I am called to submit. I did choke up a little on the phone, and he asked me if I was all right. Yes I said. "You don't sound alright." I was able to clear myself enough to sound normal. When he came to get Jacob, I never even left my room, because I knew I would begin to cry again, and I don't want to do that in front of him... mostly because I don't want him to think I am trying to make him feel guilty. He was here for about 5 minutes and left. I cried and cried and cried when he left. I cried at Bible study that night, and once I got home. And it wasn't because he did not stay for dinner... it just felt like I was being washed away by everything. I spent all day Thursday in bed crying. As soon as I opened my eyes, I cried. I'd cry myself back to sleep, and awake a little while later, and cry again. While I was awake, I'd speak aloud Bible verses, and Praise God, and Thank Him. When I couldn't think of anything else to say, I'd start to sing worship songs. (Quite a pathetic sound, actually). Not once while I was crying did I feel like my situation was hopeless though. I never let go of what God has promised us all if we just remain patient. It's kind of like having a broken leg. You know it's going to get better, but some days it just hurts so much more than others. Well, my broken heart was hurting really badly. At some points, I would kick my legs on the bed, and scream out to Him, and ask Him to please remove this from me. Oh, hurt so badly!!!!! I knew there was a spiritual battle going on... and I know who the winner will always be. Then, at about 4 pm, I sat up in my bed and called out "With the authority of Jesus Christ, satan, I command you to get behind me! You have lost this battle! I am a child of the king and will not give up!!!!" Do you know that very second I stopped crying, and have been fine since? Praise The Lord! So, my point is, no matter how hard it gets, or how much it hurts, don't ever ever give up, or doubt or Lord! He sees us when we are calling out to Him. He knows our pain. And he has allowed it for a reason. So don't pull further away from Him when it begins to hurt that badly. That is when we need to reach out for him even more, and allow Him to cradle us, and comfort us. He wanted to get our attention... so let's not forget that, and give Him our everything. Study His word, get close to Him, and rely on Him. He will not fail you. He cannot. He's Our Lord God Almighty!
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Since March 12, 2003 |
