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May 18, 2003 Dear Diary, You would be amazed at how busy adding just one extra child to your household can make you! Especially one like Jessica! She is a bundle of energy, and loves to talk! LOL Things are going very well, Praise The Lord. There have been a few issues, but nothing that you would not expect from a normal 12 year old. We are all adjusting well, and I know in my heart that this is good for all of us. I am so sorry that I have not had as much time as I would like to dedicate to writing here, but there just seems to be so much going on. Between really wanting to read my Bible, and study it, research scripture, and read other material from Christian writers, work on my own book, keep my house clean, participate in church functions, be as active member of my prayer groups, and EVERYTHING else… there just does not seem to be enough time in the day! But I promise you that on Tuesday, I will make every effort to catch you up on the things that have been going on. God is still speaking to me… sometimes it’s through you, the reader, when you email me… others it through the Bible, or a conversation I have with another person… I want to share it all with you. I know on Monday I will be busy, so Tuesday morning I will play the catch up game, ok? By the way, if you ever try to email me using the link below, please look at the address in your email program before sending the email. There is a piece of it that says REMOVETHIS… um, remove it. I put that there so that companies that have spider engines (they search web pages for email addresses) cannot send my junk mail.Oh, and please forgive my spelling errors lately… I have been trying to just write and upload the pages so fast, because of lack of time, that sometimes I forget to run spell check… Ok, that’s it… you have a great night! Toi
Tuesday, May 20, 2003Dear Diary, I don’t even know where to begin; there has been so very much going on in my life.I guess I can start with my husband. He came over last Thursday, which was the day I was officially served with the divorce papers. Yes, it hurt me very much, and still in those papers, it said that he wanted full physical custody of Jacob. I stumbled and floundered, and did not know what to do. I asked God to help me, but, in my mind I thought that now, obviously I had to get a lawyer, even though I have not felt like this was what God was calling me to do from the beginning. I made another appointment with Navy legal, and continued to pray. It’s amazing how self-righteous we can get when we take our eye off of God for even a second. There were things stated in eh divorce papers that just were not true. And I, on my horse of self-righteousness, determined that I was not going to allow him to lie! I am ashamed to even remember how I was feeling. I sat here at he computer and looked up laws and all sorts of things, because I was going to go into court and tell that judge a thing or two about my husband! SELF-Righteous is a far cry from righteous. Thanks be to God, even while I was doing all of my earthily research, I prayed to God to guide me. The Holy Spirit had already spoken to my heart about what I was supposed to do, but I was still on the fence. (It also amazes me how quickly these metamorphosis take place for me). The gambit of emotions that I went through in one day felt like it took weeks. Steven came over Thursday night to pick up Jacob. I had asked God that if He wanted me to mention anything about court to Steven, to please have Steven bring it up. Well, he didn’t seem like he was going to… so of course, I determine that God needs my help. (You can insert the sarcasm anywhere you see fit; I am dripping with it right now).Anyway, it’s obvious to me in my self-righteous state that Gods needs me to intervene, so I ask Steven if there is anything he wants to say to me. He looked at me and said “About what?” To make what is already a long story a bit shorter, we ended up discussing the papers, and I cried… I told him that I was not getting an attorney, but that I REFUSED to allow him to go into court and lie! I told him of all my plans to subpoena phone records and bank records, and witnesses if I had to. Can you imagine? Oh boy, that horse I was on was a big one, I’ll tell ya! Don’t ask me what I expected to accomplish with that conversation, but nothing is what it got me. I was crying, which really irritated me, because I wanted so badly to not let Steven see me cry anymore. I don’t want to make him feel guilty, or to think that I am trying to make him feel that way. At one point I asked him for a hug, and he sort of made a face, so I said “never mind, I don’t want you to hug me if you don’t want to.” Before he left he came over and asked me if I wanted a hug, and we hugged. I buried my face in his neck and cried. I wasn’t even thinking about the situation anymore, but I was smelling him. When I finally let go, Praise God, for whatever reason, he still hugged me. He also told me that he was sorry that things are this way right now but that is they ever change, he will let me know. I know some of you are reading this and say “Big deal.” Well, don’t forget, this is a man that only a few weeks ago called me to only tell me “I am NEVER coming home.” Praise God. Even though I had stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong, God remained faithful to me, the wretch that I am. When he left, I ran out on the front porch and said “Never mind… I am not going to do any of the things that I said. I’m sorry.” The Holy Spirit had already spoken to me, and I knew that what I had said, and my reasons for saying were completely wrong. I had even told him that I was going to sue Jen for loss of affection. Can you imagine? Who in the world do I think I am in comparison to God? I went to bed that night and cried and cried and cried. I prayed to God to forgive me for doing what I knew I should not have. That night I also wrote Steven an email, and apologized again for what I said and how I said it. I told him that I would continue to pray for him, and that I love him more now than I ever have. Then I prayed that God would guide me. The Holy Spirit really began tugging at my heart about going to court. Jessica later came into my room and said something to me. She said that she didn’t know why, but she needed to tell me God had told her something. She said He told her that I have to trust Him and that things are going to get harder. They have been easy for me so far because I have had so many signs, but now I had to just trust Him. (There is something very special about this little girl, but I will get into that a little later). The next day I spoke to Lois, the woman that sung at my wedding, and she said to me that she didn’t know why, but she knew that I was being called to put my Isaac on the alter. Mind you, I had not mentioned anything to her about what Jessica had said to me the night before. I knew exactly what that meant. Then, at church on Sunday, I asked God to confirm what I already knew. I told Him that I did not want to misunderstand Him. Well, the sermon was about ‘selling out to God’ (a term I have heard used a lot the past few days) and just completely trusting in Him. So… my decision was made. Jessica is very special… and also a handful. She has a lot of questions regarding God. I am really trying to work on how I answer them. I don’t have any trouble when she is being kind… it’s when she says things like “And just what makes God think He’s better then everyone else? Why does He get to send people to hell? I think he’s evil.”She won’t make just one comment like that, but many, and it gets me very frustrated. Tonight I had to tell her that we would discuss it later, because her comments were aggravating me, and I did not want to speak to her and say the wrong thing. She did get grounded the other night. We were having a conversation, and she did not agree with what I was saying about forgiveness, so she called me stupid. I said, “Excuse me?” She repeated it. I said excuse me again, and she repeated it again. So I told her to go to her room. She got upset, and went to her room. I went in there a while later and told her she would have to stay in there until she could come out and apologize to me and tell me why what she did was wrong. She told me that she would just stay in there forever then, because she was not going to apologize, because I was stupid… makes me smile now! So I told her she could come out of her room right then, but that I now understood how much she respected me, and would treat her like someone that did not respect me. She came out later on and made conversation with Brenda and me. Brenda spoke to her nicely, like normal, but I remained distant. Not rude, just distant. After about 20 minutes she apologized, and said she would rather have me treat her like someone that loved and respected me then not. I explained to her that she does not have to agree with what I say, but that there is a proper way to present your side of a situation. I believe I am going to have to start enforcing some rules now. Don’t get me wrong, she is a great kid, and when she is up, she is way up… but when she gets into her little moods (again, normal for a 12 year old) she begins to try to push buttons. And also, to some extent I don’t think she sees me as an authority yet. When I tell her it’s time to get ready for bed, she laughs and smiles, and continues speaking to me, or hugging me, or whatever it is that we are doing. Or when I tell her to hurry up and finish getting ready for school, she dittle daddles, and smiles, and means it to be fun, but disregards what I ask of her. So today I told both her and Jacob that when I ask them to do something, I expect it to be done When I ask. No farting around. She is already getting ready for bed right now. Other than that, she is fantastic… she has a lot of great ideas about many many things. Her voice is beautiful. Just tonight she told me she thought God wanted her to be a Christian singer. Her questions about God are so profound. I really don’t remember being that astute when I was 12. 18, maybe, but 12? I realize that she is still trying to figure out how she fits in, and that is so okay. I still know that God brought us together for a reason, and I will continue to love her and work with her, no matter how long it takes. So, to finish today’s story, let me go back about a week. Last Tuesday night, at my prayer meeting, we prayed regarding the paper I had received about Steven pursuing full custody of Jacob. At first I just wanted to pray against it. Lose my son? I could not imagine it. Then, when I saw that God wanted me to trust Him totally, I realized just how Abram might have felt when God told Him to sacrifice Isaac. But I also remembered that He did it, in faith. So, I was prepared to pray for God’s will to be done, even if that meant Steven getting custody of Jacob. I know what God has told me, so I also, if I walk by faith, should know that it would not be forever. Today, when Steven called for Jacob, he asked to speak to me. I had told him that I wanted to talk to him over the weekend. He asked what I wanted to speak to him about. I told him that I had decided that not only was I not going to get a lawyer, but that I would not even appear in court and would therefore lose by default, but that I was still walking by faith with God. He said that he had already told the lawyer to remove the custody item! Praise The Lord!!!!!!!!!! I’m still not going to court, and I told him that. I also told him that I trust him to be fair, and ask for what is fair. People, God is so good. I truly wish I could in some way just speak a few words to you, and let you know how awesome it is to live a life that you have surrendered to Him. To know that for as long as you Love God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit, your every need will be met, and your ever desire granted. Of course, loving means doing. You cannot love God without wanting to share Him with everyone! And I do. Today, I began having thoughts about one day, when this is all over, beginning some kind of ministry to help lead people to God. I don’t know how, or where, or what, but I entertained the thought for a few minutes. When I went to my prayer meeting tonight, and told all of the other people there about what happened with Steven and his removing the custody item from eh papers, one of the most spirit filled Christians said I would have a great testimony… then he said…You’re going to have a great ministry.I have learned that when God speaks to you, He will confirm it by speaking it to you again, through a different means. I’m not sure exactly what this means. Maybe it means just what I am doing, and speaking to others through this web site, or through my book. I have several friends that call me, and only through the blessing of God, I am able to minister to them over the phone. There is one lady that calls me every single day, and sometimes I am amazed at what I am able to say to her. I’m like “Where did that come from?” But I know. I have been doing a Bible study on Genesis, and I think it was pretty kewl the way God worked out the timing. I have been learning about Abraham and Sarah, and how, before the ever had a child, God promised them that their children would own all the land they were in. Then, they were in a certain city, and Abraham told his wife to lie about being his wife. He told her to tell the king and the others that she was his sister, because she was so beautiful that he was afraid that men would kill him in order to take her as their wife. Eventually the kind realized it, and was upset because he almost sinned it wanting to take Sarah as his wife. But this showed how Abraham did not have faith in God’s word. If he had, he would have known that because of what God had promised, he would protect Abraham form any enemy. Later, when God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on the alter; he began preparing for it with no problem. Remember, this was a child that both he and Sarah had prayed for for almost 100 years! And God was calling him to put him on the alter. Why was Abraham able to proceed with it? Because by this time, he realized what God has promised, and knew that he needed to just walk by faith. If God promised him that his seed would rule the land, then somehow, Isaac would be saved. God stopped Abraham just before he began the sacrifice; because he saw that he was remaining faithful, and trusting God. These were the verses I was studying while I myself had been called to lay my Isaac on the alter. How could I falter, having learned about this. If I trust in God, and what He has promised me, why should it worry about what a court paper says? You know, I have said this to so many people over the past few days, and I am sure I will say it again. I don’t have all of the answers, but I know that I have the most important one. Talk to God. Accept Jesus as your Savior, and The Lord of Your Life, Invite Him into your heart, and being a relationship with Him. Your life will never ever be the same. I promise that! It doesn’t matter what you have done in the past, or even what sin you committed today. He loves you anyway! He is waiting for you, and His heart is breaking. Toi
Friday, May 23, 2003 Dear Diary, You know what I have come to realize? You don’t know my husband. Sure, you know all of the things that I have already said, regarding our situation here, but I never introduced you to the real Steven… the man that I love. So… let me tell you about my husband. My husband is precious. He is funny, and caring, and loving. Compassionate, loyal, hard working. He’s generous, and kind and soft hearted. He is so many other things that I just cannot find the adjectives for, but in my heart I know what they are. I always remembered someone saying that you could tell the character of a man by how he treated his animals, and his mother. If those were the only two criteria to view a person’s character, then my husband is top notch. We had 12 cats once. We took all of them in as strays and cared for them. Steven hit a dog once that had run out into the street while he drove by. Steven sat with that dog in the middle of the street and cried. That is my husband. While we lived in New Jersey, Steven would jump in the car and drive 6 hours, just to spend the day with his mom. His mom was awesome. She and I used to have conversations regarding some people’s relationships with their mother in laws and daughter in laws, and we thanked God that we were not like that. She was very deserving of his love. Steven was so heartbroken when she passed away that he could not even go into the room at her service… he sat on the outside and cried. That is my husband. As I have done more reading and studying of the Bible, I see more and more of what a contentious woman I had allowed myself to become.My husband, for all of these years, had to live with what I now see as unbearable. I am so ashamed when I think of some of the things that I said or did. And you know, I read all of that stuff in the Bible about a contentious woman… but did I think that it applied to me? No. I guess I thought that I was special and those concepts did not relate to me. I miss my husband. I miss laughing with him, and joking with him. I miss the excitement I would feel when I made him his favorite food for dinner. When I couldn’t wait for him to eat it. I miss getting him gifts at the store, and running home to give it to him. At Christmas time, I would buy him all of these things that I just knew that he loved, and do you think any of them ever made it under the tree? NO! I miss his special way of harassing me to give him his presents early. It was fun. It used to really bug Brenda, but I loved it. I would purposely say to him “Whatever you do, don’t look in my trunk.” knowing full well that he would try. Then he would try to sneak downstairs to the car and peak, and I would chase him… and we would be laughing. And finally I would give in because I couldn't wait to see his face. He would get so happy, no matter what it was, and hug and kiss me. I miss how he would say WOW when he liked my new outfit, or the way my hair came out. I miss the way he would try to keep Jacob quite when I was taking a nap when I was sick. I miss him coming into our room in the morning to kiss me goodbye. I miss hearing him say I love you too. I miss sitting cuddled up with him on the couch. I miss the way he smells. I miss all of the little hairs in the bathroom sink from when he shaved. I miss all of the little things about him. I miss everything about him. And do you know something? I can sit here right now, after all that has happened, and say honestly, I can understand why he left. When I take an honest inventory of who I was, and how I acted… I really understand. No, we did not always fight, but when we did, I would make it so very bad. I can see that now. Those blinders are off. You know the ones… the ones that convince us “I didn’t’ do anything wrong.” Remember that old saying, the truth hurts? Well, it does. But then there is also the saying that goes “The truth will set you free… and it has. My faith is, and will always be with God, My Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Praise God. Toi
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Since March 12, 2003 |
