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Week 19 Sunday, July 6th, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, first of all, let me set something straight right now... I am not a fanatic people. Ok, if this were a web site about great cookies, and everything here talked about how to make them, would you think that I was a cookie fanatic? Would you think that my house was decorated with cookies, and that I turned every conversation I had over to cookies? No, but I bet you if others new I made a slammin cookie, they would ask me about my cookies. So why is it that I have a Christian site and I am a fanatic? If I meet you on the street and you ask me a question about God, then I will talk to you about God... if you ask me about running shoes, I'll talk to you about running shoes. Geeze Louise people... it's a Christian site so therefore it will contain Christian material. If it were a site about motor bikes, it would be full of motor bikes talk. Doesn't mean I walk around going 'brrrmmmmm brrrmmmm' all the time. God has always been a very big part of my life... always! I have always prayed and looked to him... not the way I should have, but I have learned that lesson and am learning more. But I am still a person with varied interests and thoughts. With that being said, here is my latest entry... possibly my last... You know, sometimes I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind. Like there is nothing in my brain that is going to click into place and get me through another second of living. You know, I tried to kill myself when I was 15. It was really very stupid actually. But I was serious... I took 200 of my grandmothers blood pressure pills... ended up in intensive care for I don't know how long... and felt ashamed whenever anyone found out about it. But you know what's weird? I don't ever remember feeling the way I feel now. I don't remember feeling as horrible as I get sometimes now. This hurts so much more than anything I have ever had to go through... I have read many articles that said the pain of separation is greater than even the pain of death... I can vouch for that. I have had many people that I love pass away, and it never ever hurt this much. I can tell you honestly, without a doubt, that if it were not for the hope of God, and the fear of His anger... I would kill myself when I get like that. I began a journal entry the other night when I was feeling particularly low... you can read it here but beware! I was feeling very very low, and it shows. If you are easily offended, don't read it. And I spend so much time sitting here thinking.. thinking... and thinking some more. I am often times ashamed of the things that I remember. I was so horrible to my husband so many times. Some I can remember in vivid detail, and others are vague, but I remember the feeling behind them. And it was never ever about not loving him. I did/do love him. I was just so wrapped around the idea that I absolutely knew what was best for him that I tried to take complete control... and look where I steered us to. I know that there are some people that wonder at how I can take all of the blame... and sometimes I wonder that myself... but I do. If I were more loving, understanding and caring... maybe Steven could have come to me at some point and told me what was really bothering him. Yes, I loved him... God knows how much I still love him... but somehow I let those feelings of control cloud that. I thought that what I was doing, and how I was acting was proving that I loved him, because I wanted him to be a better person... a better person based on my standards... and again I say, who the heck am I? Now that I sit here, with out anyone, I can see what an awesome person he was and is. First and foremost, he put up with me for all of those years... quietly baring it. He's funny and tender and hard working... meticulous and care free at the same time. Sure, he had his moments... everyone does... but now it seems like he had his moments, and I had my years. And you cannot imagine how it effects me that I put him in the position that he is. I know he has got to be feeling like everything is caving in on him... he has to make those long drives everyday, which in and of itself has got to stink. But then the demands of working, cramming a weeks worth of daddy-hood into 2 four hour days with his son, trying to work out finances and everything else that comes with day to day living. And this is the bed that I have made. I don't understand why I could not see any of this before... why did it take this to happen for me to see the way that I had allowed myself to become? I look at the person that I was and I don't even recognize it as me. And I want so badly to run up to my husband and say "I've changed!" but I can't. For him to know that I have changed he would have to see it himself, and I hope that one day he will. I see myself doing so many things now... and when I do them I think to myself "Why couldn't I be like this when he was home?" But I don't have a rewind button. And tell me something... why is it that so many people find it necessary to tell you things like "You are so beautiful, you'll find someone else?" Do I LOOK like I want to find someone else? I certainly hope not. And why do people think it's all about the way you look? I've lost 60 pounds... not because I am trying to look good. When I tried to lose weight to look good, I could not do it... I read somewhere that weight loss is a sign of being broken... well, I have been broken I guess we could say. I have not been in a size 10 since I was like... 10! I remember wanting to lose weight and look good for my husband (not that he ever asked me to) because I wanted him to be proud to say "That's my wife." I never thought about what I looked like on the inside. The dichotomy of this whole situation really perplexes me. I spent so much time thinking about what I could do to make Steven proud of me... I remember when I worked for the electric company in New Jersey. My job title was Executive Assistant to The Area Vice President... and I wanted so badly for him to be proud of me. I was so proud of him and the way he had changed his life around... I wanted him to feel that way about me. But you know what? I don't think I ever told him how proud I was of him... what, did I think he would just know? I remember one time his mother and I sat outside of our house in New Jersey, and we were reading a commendation that he had gotten, and we both started crying because we were so proud of him... why didn't I ever tell him that? He used to love my cooking... I remember one time he said to me "I don't know why you are not a chef." Not that I cook any fancy dishes... he just liked my cooking... and I was proud of that, and happy that he was proud of it. Last Thanksgiving he invited one of his friends over for dinner, and I couldn't wait to make everything, so that his friend would know that Stevens wife was a good cook. Why didn't I want Steven to be proud of me because I was a good wife? Why did that idea never ever come to my mind? I don't know. I wish I had the answer... I wish I could go back in time and change it all. That old saying "If I knew then what I know now..." really applies. Or how about one of my favorite songs by Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time." I don't
know why I did the things I did Wow... that song has always been a favorite of mine... but I am just now really hearing the words. Which brings me to another thing I wanted to say.. I actually mentioned it in the "I am feeling really low" post... but it occurred to me why I have not watched television or listened to the radio since Steven left. Because I am scared to. All I listen to is Christian Music, and it's not because I have suddenly become this super pious person that refuses to have anything else play or be watched... I am afraid to. I look at all of the CD's and videos that I have, and there is a reason for me to not watch every single one of them. There is a song that will make me cry, either because it's a love song, or a song I remember hearing with Steven... Oh, heck, if the stupid thing was even released during our lifetime it would make me cry. I tried to watch CNN the other day, because I really have NO CLUE what is going on in the world... and I cried... because I used to watch CNN when my husband was in the Persian Gulf, to try to keep up with what his ship was doing... and when he was home I'd watch it and at some point, we would discuss world news... I have no one to discuss it with now. And also because there is so much military stuff going on in the news... that makes me cry too. I borrowed a CD from my husband, one that we both really liked a lot. It's Celtic music... I thought I could listen to it without too much trouble... but I could not. As soon as I looked at the title of the song "Bonny Swans" I put the CD down and walked away... we played that song over and over when I went to visit him in Mississippi while he was in 'A' school... see... this is the result of having spent 14 years with someone... every single thing I see either reminds me of him or makes me think of him. And if it's something new, it makes me sad because I can't go home and share it with him. I can't tell him about the kewl new game I saw ... or talk to him about the new movie coming out (Not that I know any new movies). Everything either reminds me of our life together, or reminds me that he's not here. Even when I clean my house. My housekeeping used to get on Stevens nerves! Now when I clean it part of me wonders why even bother... not like he's going to notice it, or care if he does. But still, most of the time, I am thinking of him when I clean it... like it's my way of honoring him now. Sad isn't it? Even though I was the way I was to him, he was my world... how could I not have shown that to him? And I wonder why it's so easy for nothing to remind him of me. Even now, when he comes over for Jacob... I want so badly to show him how much I really and truly love him. I want him to sit down and rest. I want to talk to him... but it's so hard to. Not the he makes it hard, but I don't know what to say. He very rarely asks me anything about me... probably afraid I'll start crying. But I want to know how he is, if he's okay, if he's happy... and I don't know how to ask that. I miss giving him backrubs... cracking his back... making him a cup of coffee... cooking dinner for him. I miss looking forward to him coming home from work. I miss doing all of the little things that I used to do to show him that I love him. I was buying him little things when I went shopping. Things like a can of cashews or something small like that... but then I remembered that when his mom left his dad his father would buy her things and it would get on her nerves. Simply because she said that he never used to do those things for her before and now he was just trying to suck up. I am not sure if I will buy him anything any more, only because I don't want him to think of it as my way of trying to suck up... it's not. It has always been because I love him. But I guess we'll see what happens next time I am at the store, confronted with a can of cashews or a box of cheese whales. :) He said that he wanted to be my friend, but I think he only says it to be nice... it's what he thinks he's supposed to say, just like when he thought he was supposed to tell me he loved me. He really shows no interest in anything I may or may not be involved in or anything that could be going on in my life. I created this situation. He's only doing the best he can. If you plant a thought, you grow an idea... plant an idea and grow an action... plant an action and grow a habit... plant a habit and grow a character... plant a character and grow a destiny. I still cannot help but think that some of the responsibility for this situation I am living through is the result of a seed that was planted 5 years ago... even though it was one that I gave Steven the tools to nurture. Someone else planted the seed and she is now reaping the harvest of that seed. Steven says that he did not leave me for her... but I have no other way to look at it... that is where he is. And just the fact that he knew she was available made it all that much easier for him to walk away. Maybe he didn't leave me for her... and maybe, if he were not involved in another relationship so quickly, he wold have the desire, even if it were small, to try to work on our marriage, and keep Jacobs parents together. You know, she said to me one time that she should not be talking to me on the phone, but out in the streets jumping for joy. Why? Because her flower had bloomed. I told him so many times that I know how a woman's mind works, and that she knew what she was doing. And I am sorry, there will never be any convincing me that it will ever, in a million life times be okay to call up a married man and tell him that you love him... especially, I repeat, ESPECIALLY when you know that he is not happy. The only reason to anyone that can see past the facade of "I need to tell people how I feel" is because you have a hope... a hope that the feeling will be reciprocated. And I unfortunately put Steven in the place where it was easy to do that. I know I had chances before, the other times he left... but the sad thing is that I didn't learn then what I know now... I always thought his leaving was all about him... never about me. Now I see everything so clearly...I see what I did wrong... I know... and I pray that I would have the chance to show him that one day. I went over my (our) friend Pats house the other day, and it was very weird. I sat there looking at her like she was a glass of water in a dessert and I wanted to badly badly badly to ask her a ton of questions... but I knew that wasn't fair. Not to her, and not to Steven. I'm not sure how much I can be around her anymore though... it's a true test of strength for me. I don't know that I can pass it. But I know so little about what's going on in his head. All that I know about the things that I have done are things that I have gleaned without his input. He said once that we will talk one day, but I can't imagine that he'll ever just pop in one day and say "Ok, let's talk." And the last time we talked when we went to Applebee's 2 days after he left, he told me about how Jen was the love of his life and his soul mate and I was not... he's also told me that he thinks he never loved me...so, what else would there be to say? I don't think I could handle that again. Unless he's changed his mind. The one thing that Pat said to me was that I need to move on... that about broke my heart... I sort of felt like if she even thought there was any hope she would in some way tell me to hold on. But she didn't. Maybe that's another reason why I feel like it would be hard to be around her more. I kind of feel like a failure. I remember when Steven and I first started dating and he introduced me to her, she told him as we were leaving her house that he finally had a girlfriend that she liked... now I sort of wonder if maybe she might be reconsidering that... maybe she thinks that Steven would be better off without me. Some people wonder why I would even consider wanting him back... and the only answer I have is that I love him. Really, truly, deeply love him... and I would cherish the chance to love him the way a wife should. I would truly be honored to show him the things that I have learned about myself and about him. I have so much respect for him... and the sad thing is that I never really knew it. It's like after he left, I found this box that I sort of always knew was there, but never bothered looking in. And once he left, I found it and opened it up, and there it was... all of these glorious feelings for him... but he's not here to see it. Do you know how many people have called me a sucker for giving him my car to use? Not a single person has looked at me and said they understand... but that's okay. I'll bare that. I would rather know that he is okay driving than worry about how I am going to get around, or what other people are saying about me. If I couldn't show him I loved him while he was home, the least I can do is show it now. Even if he doesn;t realize it. You know, the other day when I had my car for the day, something really bothered me. One was I wondered if Jen had been in my car for any reason. That just kind of skeeves me a bit. The other was the fact that I had a picture in my visor. It was a photo of Stevens sister, Me, Steven and his mom in that order. Well I had the elastic that was holding it up over his sisters face... no disrespect to her, I just wanted to be able to see me and Steven and his mom... well... when I got into my car and looked up, Steven had changed it so that the elastic was covering my face. Again, it about broke my heart. Then I went into the car again the other day for something, and I looked up, and it was still like that. How little he must think of me to not want to even have my face showing... I wanted to take the picture down when I saw it there the second time, but I didn't. I did take down all of the things that I had put up in the house about us... a couple of pictures I had around that I put out, some cards that he had written to me telling me how much he loved and missed me. They were there to remind me that one day his love for me was real... but maybe he doesn't want to see them as much as he doesn't want to see my face in the car... I have not taken down the pictures of us in the living room yet, or in our bedroom, because I did not put them up after he left... but maybe I will. I have to let go, right? Pat told me to move on... I am not sure how to do that... Then today at church, someone gave me a letter they had written for me... basically telling me the same thing... to let go. And I spoke to friend of mine from Hawaii and she pretty much confirmed it again... let go. But how? After I'm gone will anyone remember, My soul being sweet, my heart being tender? The hands that I've held, the lips that I've kissed? The things that I've done and those that I've missed? After I'm gone, will anyone regret, The things that they've said, or haven't said yet? The times that I left, when I wanted to stay, The hours that I worked, when I wanted to play? After I'm gone, will anyone mourn, For the memories inside of me, yet to be born? For the days in the sun and nights in the rain, For the laughter and love, heartache and pain? After I'm gone, will anyone grieve, For the love that I wanted, but never received? For the times, when for them I put myself in a bind, For the answers to the questions I never did find? After I'm gone, will it be hard, To read my poem or birthday card? To go to the places they saw me smile, To know that I loved them all the while? After I'm gone, will they look to they sky And speak my name with a tear in their eye? Will anyone remember my face and my hair, And most important to me, Will anyone care? Toi Soares
Saturday, July 12, 2003 Dear Diary, Thank you everyone, for your emails of encouragement and concern... I am still here, and I am doing very well thank you! I will post more next week and let you know about the freedom that comes from having let go... IT'S AWESOME! In His Name, and for His Glory! Toi
Thursday, July 17, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, so I have not had time to update for a new week, but I wanted to drop in and tell everyone how awesome my life is right now... and I give God all of the glory honor and praise! I feel so good and there is nothing that can take that away from me! This is what it means to let go... and let God. I am finished... it is finished. It's all good and in His hands. Jesus came so that I could have life, and have it more abundantly... and have it I shall! I promise, I will update more as soon as I have time... but until then, feel free to email me. :) Oh, by the way... I am a published author! Praise The Lord... my first article is located at Just 4 Ladies.com. I am in the process of writing another, so keep an eye opened! I am the Featured Author, and Outstanding Web Site! Praise The Lord! Toi
August 2, 2003 Dear Diary, Yes, my friends, I am still here... and doing very well! I have been very busy as of late... doing a lot of work on my book. I have been so very very blessed and am so thankful. Thank you all so much for emailing me and for your prayers. Please, continue! :) If you would like to email me personally, go right ahead. No one is ever bothering me, and I answer every email. Unfortunately, I just dont have time to do all of the things I need to do, and update this site every day. I'll continue to post as time allows... Toi
September 2, 2003 Dear Friends, I know it has been a long time since I have updated... but things have been going on that have not allowed me to do so... but here I am, with an update. How would you feel if I told you my husband was home? Well, Praise God, he is!!!!! It's been about 2 weeks now, and I am praising the Lord all over the place! Things really started to manifest back at the beginning of July, but because of the nature of this site, and those that read it (hint, hint) I did not want to post those updates until everyone involved was aware of what was going on! Praise God Praise God Praise God! My husband is home, just like God said He would be. To all of those that prayed for us, and supported us, thank you! Please keep our family in prayer as there is still a lot of healing to take place, and restoration does not end when your spouse moves their things back home... but it is oh so sweet! For those that doubted what The Lord was leading me to do... I pray that this in and of itself will testify to His faithfulness, and the true reliability in His promises, when they are handled with faith. May God continue to bless and keep you all! For those that I speak to via email, or on the phone, please, do not stop contacting me. My husband has already said he does not mind my helping others through this. And this is my duty. I am called to comfort others with the comfort that Christ gave me, and I am more than happy to do it. I will not, ever tell you what to do. I will tell you what God led me to do... and then I will always ask you to go to your Bible, and search for His will for you. And I will keep you all in prayers! Praise God! Mrs. Steven Soares!!!!!
March 2, 2004 Well PRAISE THE LORD!!!! Look at todays date, would ya? Ya... it's been a year. I was having so much anxiety with this upcoming date... I dont really know why, but here it is, and Praise God... Okay, having said that, let me say this... I am back, for good (or as often as I can be, but NOT as rarely as I have been.) I have gotten several emails from friends that I have made through this site, and they have made me realize how important it is for me to continue this ministry. So, I am going to redo the graphics, and maybe change things around a bit... but I will update the journal regualarly. I do know that I am going to seperate the site into a sort of before and after section. I think this is very important, because, let me tell you, just because our family has been restored, it doesnt mean that all of the hurt goes away automatically... and that has been something that I have been dealing with a lot. And I really think I need to share what I am learning with others, so that they can either follow my example, or learn from my mistakes, ya know? Right this minute though, I have to go make dinner, for my family... isn't that just the kewlest? It is... and not a day has gone by that I havn't thanked God for it. Ok, I will try to post more tonight, after dinner... I love you all! God Bless! Toi
March 3, 2004 Okay, I am trying to figure out how to re-organize this site... and I am having a tough time deciding. So, I figured that instead of spending all that time figuring that out, I'd come over here and post at least something for today so that you would know I am really here. The thing I feel I have to address the most right now is directed at those of you reading this that are standing for your marriage. I have spoken to many of you via email, and so many of you have the very same questions and concerns... and I am sure that there are more of you that have not written to me, but have those same questions. Before you get anywhere in your stand, the MOST IMPORTANT thing for you to do is to BELIEVE that God is going to do it. You cannot flop back and forth with the "Well, I'm not sure... maybe He doesn't want to save my marriage..." NO! Be strong in The Lord. I don't care what the circumstances look like, I don't care how many times your spouse yells at you, tells you they are never coming home.. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DO! This whole thing is up to you, not them. You are the one being called to the Lord... you are the one that God is talking to. Do you think that Steven ever at any point while he was gone thought I was in my right mind? Nope, and neither did most of my friends and family... too bad... this is not about what other people think or want you to do. This is about you and God. You have GOT to make a serious commitment to just believe Him. None of this "But this happened... does that mean God doesn't want to restore us?" NO! The mere asking of that question shows a lack of faith in Him... He can change the color of the sky to purple if He wanted. It doesn't matter what your spouse is doing or saying, or what other people are doing or saying... YOU HAVE GOT TO BELIEVE! That one principal, in and of itself is the single most important step to take towards restoration. Once you can take that step everything else will be so easy. If you've read through this site, you know some of the things I was faced with... but because I believed God, I did not falter. No matter how much it hurt, or how bad it looked, I never ever once said "Maybe this isn't going to happen." Pray about this... ask God to help you with your unbelief if you have to... but know that if you doubt Him and what He is able to do, you are going to prolong this trial in your life. Do you think there is anything special about me? There isn't. The only thing I did was believe in Him no matter what. You have to do the same. Okay... now I am going to go and try to figure out how I am going to re do this site... talk to you again soon! Toi
March 15, 2004 Good grief... I have been having problems with my computer as of late, but I do believe everything is all fixed now... after reformatting... YUCK! So... we need to go over what happened before my husband came home, yes? Ok, I am going to tell you what I remember as I remember it. The first thing I remember was that all of a sudden his being gone got really really painful. I mean, it hurt before, but it got incredibly intense! I think you can get the feeling of that from some of the entries above. I promise you, I wanted to die just so I could stop hurting. I would be walking around my house in a daze, and all of a sudden, I would collapse onto the floor and start crying like someone was cutting my heart out right then. I kept asking God to take the pain from me, to do whatever He had to, but please make it stop!!!! I also kept remembering what a friend of mine, Michelle, from Just4Ladeis.com told me about travailing. Well, I didn't know if that was what was happening, but man. It felt like someone had bottled up all of the pain I had been through over the prior months and dumped it on me all at once. I wanted to die... really I did. I told God that I was not strong enough to go through this anymore, that somehow it had to end. I gave my friend Brenda all of the pills I had in the house because I was really afraid that I would get to the point that I would do something bad. Now, mind you, nothing happened that I could see to make me feel this way. Just all of sudden, BOOM! But during this time, I still did not question weather or not God was going to bring Steven home. I only questioned if I could hang on. I cried all the time for about 4 days. I'd lay in my bed, screaming at God to end this, please. I remember one time quoting the Bible verse where Jesus says "I have come so that you may have life, and have it more abundantly." And I yelled, through tears and snot "Does THIS look abundant to you? PLEASE, take this pain!" My friend Pat tried to talk me through it, but somehow that hurt more. I felt like. because she still spoke to Steven regularly, that she was trying to get me to move on because she saw no hope. But I wouldn't budge. No matter how much I cried I still maintained that Steven was coming home. One one day Steven was coming to pick up Jacob to take him over to Pats house to play. Well, I got dressed and stopped myself from crying for a bit... I didn't want him to see me like that because I didn't want him to think I was trying to guilt him into anything, ya know? So, Steven came and got Jacob, and I decided that I needed to get out of the house, so I took the dog for a walk. About 1/2 hour into the walk I heard a horn beeping. When I looked up, there was Steven and Pat with the kids... my heart skipped a beat. They asked me if I wanted to go to the park with them. Of course I did. We went to the park, and Steven and Pat and myself stood together talking while the kids played. Steven was very personable... and I could tell there was something different about him and the way he was acting towards me. It almost felt normal. I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye, looking at me. It was then that I got my second, third or maybe fourth wind. I knew God was showing me that this was going to end! We all went back to Pats house that night, and sat around her table chatting. Steven then brought me and Jacob home. When he came upstairs he noticed that I had a sun burn on my back, and offered to put lotion on it. Praise The Lord! I made no mention of us, or what was going on between us. I just let things play out, hoping he would stay. Well, he didn't stay that night, but things continued to look way way up! We began spending more and more time together. He would ask me to go with him and Jacob when they went out. We'd go out to eat, the mall, we went to some local fairs... it was sooooooooooo nice. Many of our friends and family saw us out together, and it was amusing to see the looks on their faces. You know they were dying to know what was going on. I made no effort to contact Steven when he wasn't around. I had to keep reminding myself that God does not need my help. But let me tell you, it made the times Steven did come around so much nicer, because I knew it was nothing that I did in my own power. It was all God! Steven began to spend more and more time at home. After one night, where he slept over, we went out to the mall. We got home at about 8pm and then realized that Jacob had not had any dinner. Steven said he would run him over to Burger King. While they were gone I checked the called ID to see who had called. Well, low and behold, there was a Connecticut number there, with Stevens name. Harumph. I knew who it was, so I called it. My whole body began shaking and I wondered if I should be doing what I was doing. Jen answered the phone, quit perky I might add. I guess she thought it was Steven calling. She said "Hey!" with this perky happy voice. So, I replied the same way. "HI!" I said, just as enthusiastically. I could tell she was stumped' OH, hi, is Steven there?" I kept my cook, and did my very best to stay upbeat... way upbeat...ok, it might have been a little over the top, but I said "Nope, Stevens not here right this minute." It was quiet for a second, then she said "Is he coming back there?" "Yep," I said, "He'll be back in a few minutes." "Oh, she said, "I was just worried, because he never went home last night." My legs almost gave out from under me. I knew what she was talking about. It was his weekend with Jacob, and he normally spent them at his dads, but he never went there at all this particular weekend. I said to her, rather smugly "Oh, really? And just where might home be, Jen?" She said something again about being worried about him and I said "Well, now you know how it feels, I've been worried about him for months." She then said "So, let me guess, you guys are going to try and work things out?" Well, now, Lord forgive me, but I could not remove that smugness from my voice. I said "Why, Jen, what ever gave you that idea?" She sighed and said "Can you just ask him to call me when he gets back?" "I most certainly will NOT, " I said, "You have been calling his cell phone all day long and he has chosen not to talk to you. I'll let my husband know that you called, and if he wants to call you, he will." She sounded like she was getting ready to cry a little, but all she said was "Ok, thanks." and hung up. Oh My Gosh! I cannot tell you the gamut of emotions running through me! I was horrified that he had put the phone in his name over there! I was terrified that by speaking to her I had done something wrong. So, I dropped to my knees in the middle of the living room and asked God to please guide me, right now, and help me when Steven came back. I knew I had to tell him that we had spoken. I could not let her tell him. So I continued to pray until I heard Jacob and Steve come back. I didn't say anything right away, just went about everything normally. Steven and I ended up outside in the back yard, looking at the stars. I don't remember thinking that it would be a good time to say anything, but the words just came out of my mouth. "What do we do now?" He looked at me, and knew exactly what I was talking about. "I don't know." He told me he was torn, that he wanted to come home, but he didn't want things the way they were. I told him that I understood, and did not want him to feel like I was pushing him. He asked me if I was okay with him thinking about things for a while. Of course I told him. The I told him that I had spoken to Jen. I told him everything we had said, and he just nodded. He decided to go back to his dads house that night, and call her. He said he didn't want her getting suspicious about anything yet, because all of his stuff was still over there. We talked some more about us over the next few weeks, and spent more time together. Some night he would go to his dads house and call her and then come back home. Those nights were so hard for me. I wanted to react in the flesh and just stomp my foot and say "Get it over with!" But I let him handle it the way he thought it should be. Things were going incredibly good for us, and I did not want to mess anything up. I knew he was coming home... and August 28 was slowly approaching, the day the Lord had indicated to me Steven would be home by, remember? One weekend, in the beginning of August he told me that Jen was going away for the weekend, and that was going to be when he moved all of his stuff back home. Praise The Lord... it was the weekend before our anniversary, August 28th! We went through a lot trying to make arrangements for him to get all of his stuff back, but Pat and her boyfriend helped us. Steven struggled with what to do after that. At first he wanted to stay there until she got back and tell her face to face that he was leaving. I sooooooooooo did not want him to do that. I wanted him to just be gone! Yes, it was my flesh. I wanted her to be as shocked and hurt as I was, through she could never feel the pain of 14 years being taken away. But I didn't say anything to much to Steven. The only thing I did say was that I was worried because she knew what to say to him to get him away the first time, and what if she did that again? He told me not to worry. So I said I was going to trust God with it, and I would respect whatever choice he made. Well, on the day that she was due back, Steven was at her house in CT. We spoke on the phone several times. Then, the last time, I asked him what he was doing. He said he was writing her a letter. A letter I asked? He said yep, I'm just gonna leave her a note and get the heck out of here. Praise God! He was right on time! And my husband has been home ever since. Things have been awesome! I still wake up every morning remembering what it felt like to wake up without him... and then I reach over, and there he is! This is what I prayed for... this is what I wanted so badly, and God has given me the desire of my heart! Praise Him! Now, mind you, restoration doesn't end when the spouse come back home. It's terribly easy to fall back into old habits and patterns. But thank God we have avoided that. And so, with that, I will begin a new section to this site... After Restoration... see ya there!
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