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| Steven
tried to talk me through my crying. He tried to keep
reassuring me, but once that Bible verse hit me, there
was no consoling me. This was all my fault! I was sure of
it. God was punishing me for the sins I had yet to
confess! I had no choice now. I took a deep breath, and
told Steven what I had never told him.
"Steven, I cheated on you." He was very quiet. Then he said "With ____?" (I'll leave his name out of this, as his wife does not yet know). "Yes I said, while you were away on your first cruise. I was lonely and he was there, and I am so sorry!" I cried some more. He very calmly said "If that's where God led you, then there must be a reason for that." Mind you, this is a man that has doubted anything religious since forever. And he was telling me what God was doing for me? "No," I cried, "it was a test, and I failed it! Because I did not confess my sins, this is my fault!"
He continued to try to make me not believe it, but I wasn't having any part of it. Now I began thinking that maybe Jacob was better off without me. What a horrible person I must be! My poor husband was out in the Persian Gulf, defending my country, and I was cheating on him! (Remember though, that very same cruise was when he met Jen, and said that he saw her across a crowded ship and new he loved her.... more than me.)
I don't really remember much else of the conversation after that. I remember a lot of It is my fault, and I can't do this... but not much else. At one point I was no longer on the phone with him, and I again got into my car and drove. I ended up at my friend Pats house. She is also a very good friend of Steven's. They grew up together, but we have always been close. As she said, I stumbled into her house. She thought I was drunk. I began crying ALL OVER again, telling my sad story. She hugged me and said something to me. Again, no clue.
Steven called me back on my cell phone. He had called my house where Brenda still was. (She was furious I might add.) He said that he would come to Massachusetts the next day and pick up Jacob to give me some time to myself. I cried and cried, thinking about how I had almost wanted to just give him Jacob forever. But I knew he had to take him. I was in no shape whatsoever to be his mother right now, so I agreed to let Steven take Jacob to his dads’ house for 4 days. Steven then asked to speak to Pat. I handed her the phone and tried to walk away. Once again, no such luck.
I have never passed out before in my life. Not even when I ripped open my arm on a broken window and saw my watch wrap around my bone, and blood gushing everywhere. Well, I passed out now. I can remember looking at Pat, and her all of a sudden looking like she was in a tunnel. I heard her scream my name, but that was it. My very next memory was of lying on her kitchen floor with a pillow under my head and a face cloth on my forehead. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her I thought so. "Do you want to get up?" I smiled for the first time in four days. "No, actually, I'm kind of comfortable down here." Remember, this is now 4 days with no food, no sleep, and the only liquid I had that was not coffee was the IV in the hospital. (BTW, don't think drinking coffee will keep you from dehydrating... there is some chemical in it that actually helps the dehydration process along.) Pat picked up the phone and Steven was still there. He wanted her to take me to the hospital, but again, I did not want to go. I agreed to eat a piece of bread. That was the nastiest bread I have ever had. I really think it made me feel worse, but I put on a good show. Pat told Steven she would bring me home and check on me. He told her that he would be there the next day.
When I got home, Brenda had calmed down a bit. She was still mad at me for taking off, but I think she could see that I probably could not deal with her reaming me right then. Hey, give me a break; I was out of my Christian mind. Brenda stayed with me that night. She even slept in my bed. I fell asleep at about 3 am, and woke up before 6am. I slept on Steven side of the bed, and hugged a pillow that I had put one of his dirty tee shirts on. When I woke up that morning for a minute I forgot. I thought I was all a bad dream. And then I remembered that it was not a bad dream, but a living nightmare.
I again got Jacob off to school by the Grace of God. He was still just as happy and playful as always. To be a child again. I told him that Daddy was coming after school to pick him up and that he would be spending the next few nights at Pepe's house with him. I cried again because now I missed Jacob before he was even gone.
My sister in law came over with my little nephew that day. We talked for a long time. She made me feel really good. I told that I had returned the jewelry Steven had given me after their mother passed away. She got mad "Mummy would want you to have that! He better not give it to HER! I'll rip it off of her." Now, I know this is not a very Christian way of thinking, or talking, or sitting in agreement with... but... I did. I was happy that she felt that way. Heck the only reason I gave it to him in the first place was because I was hoping he would say, "No, you keep it." (Have I used the term 'no such luck too many times already? Guess I'll have to think of a new phrase.) Tammy insisted that I keep the porcelain dolls I received after her mom passed away, and she sat here and read love letters with me. Yes, that's the kind of person I am. I have to have to have to listen to every sad song, read love letters, remember special moments. In short, I have to torture myself. She did it with me.
Well, she left and Steven arrived to pick up Jacob. First of all, he just walked in. Used the key that I had never asked him to return. I can't. This is still, and will always be his home. The fact that he walked in made me believe that he still, in some way, feels it's still his home. But he proceeded to break my heart yet again. He never once looked at me, and he only spoke AT me, not to me. This is a man who only 5 days prior told me he loved me. We did not fight or argue or anything, and he was treating me like he never knew me and could not care less. Jacob was very excited about going with daddy. I played it up for him, and watched, once again, the two men that I loved most in the world, walk away from me without a second thought. And I was all-alone... or so I thought.
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