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| The first
message was a song. The Pina Colada Song. For those of
you are not familiar with it, it's a song about a man
that doesn't think he loves his wife anymore, so he
places a personal add to find his perfect mate. And his
wife unknowingly answers it. Happy, happy, joy, joy I
thought. It's a message! But then I heard him in the
background, talking to a dog. Her dog. He was saying,
"Look what daddy has for you. Does the puppy want
it? Oh, daddy loves you!" Crushed again. Not only
was he abandoning our son, and me but also he was
cheating on our dog! That's what I thought! LOL! The
second message was a song by Nelly Furtado. "The
line I heard was "I don't know where my home is. I'm
like a bird, I wanna fly away." He spoke in the
background this time too. Now he was saying, again, to
the dog "Look, we're almost home, there's
Muma’s car, there's Muma’s car. You wanna see
Muma? Yes you do." MUMA!?!?! Now, she was Muma? Muma
was my word! I made a concerted effort to have Jacob call
me that. No one else used Muma! Momma, mommy or some
derivative thereof, but not my MUMA! There is no word
powerful enough to describe the betrayal I felt. The
rage, and the hurt all over again.
Brenda and I got home, and Brenda came upstairs with me. Jacob had been downstairs at her house with her daughter. The poor guy. Not a clue what was going on, and God forgive me, all but forgotten by the only parent he had left (I know, I know, but this was my state of mind.) I picked up the phone to call Steven. Maybe those voice mails were messages... maybe everything would be all right. Surprisingly, he answered the phone. I was worried that he would see my number and ignore the call. "Did you know that you left two voice-mails on my cell phone today?" "What?" he said. I proceeded to tell him the whole thing, and he got very indignant. "I was talking to a dog, Toi. A DOG!" I just dropped the phone on the table and looked at Brenda as I started to cry again. "I cant talk to him. You talk to him." She picked up the phone and started talking. I asked her to go in the other room, because I didn't even want to hear her speaking to him. She went into my bedroom, OUR bedroom, and closed the door. I grabbed my coat, my keys and ran out of the house.
God was with me, because I don't have a clue how I was able to drive. I have no recollection of driving. All I remember is being on a side street somewhere, lost. I do remember thinking that I could drive my car into a wall, and no one would ever know for sure if I had killed myself. But I knew deep down that I could never do that. Not only does that end any hope that I have, and just give Steven up, but it is against God. For reasons I cannot explain, I parked my car and started to walk. My cell phone rang. It was Steven. He was yelling at me, telling me to get back home to Jacob. I started yelling at him. "It's not fair! You get to take off and clear your head, and get yourself together, but I have to stay home and pretend that everything is fine! I CAN"T DO IT! You come home, and live with Jacob. I'll go away!" Did I mean this? Yes, sadly, at the time I did. But I know that the second I came to my senses, I would have regretted saying it.
I cried on the phone with him. I told him he never game me a chance. I never knew that he had those doubts. Every time we talked, he assured me, not just with his words, but also with his actions, that he was happy. I cried over and over, "I can't do this without you!" And he repeated "You Can!" He told me how strong I was, and how much adversity I had overcome in my life. Blah! I didn't want to hear that. I was not strong, I was weak and pathetic. He told me that I would find someone else that would love me the way I deserve. I told him he was wrong. There will never ever be another. Now, I am fully aware that everyone says that when they are in my position, but I really meant it. Not just because I was heartbroken, but for more important reasons, at least to me.
"Steven, you don't understand. If you insist that I get through this, then I have only two ways of doing it. Either curl up and die, and have it over with. Or put myself in God's hands, and allow him to get me through. If I choose God, then I MUST follow his rules. And his rules say that once I am divorced I am a sin to any other man. I will live by that!" I am ashamed to say this, but that was the first time I actually thought about God in this whole situation. See how evil works it's way in when you are not paying attention?
But, now that I had really thought about God and my situation, I had a dilemma. You'll soon see what I'm talking about.
Steven kept repeating that I would be fine, and that he didn't believe what I was saying about God's rules. And if I were right, then 98% of the world was living in sin. "Yes, I said, they are!" (I don't think I really believe this... each person’s situation is different, and God knows his or her circumstances.) But for me, it was true. I quoted Matt. Chapter 19 verses 3 through 12 to him. He still wasn't buying it. And I'm sure the only reason I quoted it was because it was my twisted way of hoping he would have this light shine on him and go "Oh, okay, I'll be home in a little while." No such luck. Again, go figure. Ah, but while I was quoting the Bible, another verse popped in my head. 'Confess your sins with all your heart, to God, and those you have sinned against.
This was my dilemma.
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