THE END TIMES
VOLUME II || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 17, 2004
Michael Moore, Star Wars Director!
Saddam Hussein Stole JBU Speed Bumps!
North Hall Staging Global Domination!
University Espionage Uncovered!
Saddam Hussein Stole JBU Speed Bumps!
Two years ago, speed bumps were taken from the road running around the JBU campus. While the incident sparked controversy and vows of retaliation from the JBU secret police, the issue has been mute for a long time - until now. Amazingly, last month a set of identical speed bumps were found in the circular drive at Saddam's Winter Palace in Ackhad-Habaldi. While being interrogated, Saddam admitted using them to slow down a group of meddlesome Shiite clerics who had been egging and toilet papering his palace. "I showed those sons of insolent swine," he said. "When they hit the speed bumps the bottom fell out of their 67 Mini. Saddam always gets the last laugh. Ha ha ha!" How the speed bumps got there is still under investigation by Campus Safety. Presently they are following links leading to the French government. Reportedly, an unreleased press release in the French government said, "Onhu, you silly American sock biters. We took your bumpies and you can take a Prozac and call your mummies for all we care." While this is yet to be confirmed, authorities are hopeful that they can find the perpetrators.
Deadly Gasses Drop Students
No doubt you've seen the ghastly sight as you walk between class on a sunny day, students laying randomly on the quad, some still wearing their back packs. According to the school, this phenomenon is being caused by deadly gasses leaking from underground pipes leading from J-Alvin. The danger is especially present on warm sunny days because the gasses are warmed by the sun causing the pressure to build up more than normal. "It was terrible," said one student. "I was playing my bongos and Jimmy was playing his guitar. We were singing God of Wonders in two part harmony and all of a sudden
Jimmy just fell over, twitched for a moment, and then� and then. It was terrible! I knew J-Alvin had smell issues but this is crazy."
Goats to Replace Grounds Crew
According to school administration, the cost of maintaining grounds is hampering the schools efforts to build a combination fountain, bird bath, and statuette. This 5 million dollar fountain is to go behind the tennis courts. Construction is scheduled to begin next fall. Classical Greek style statues of all JBU presidents will stand around a circular basin, spitting water towards a ten foot marble pirouetting John Brown. The school plans to raise tuition and cut grounds jobs for about ten years. "Goats are the most logical choice when you're talking about maintaining school grounds," said Jason Ewes an expert on goats who is consulting with the school. "They're clean, they provide milk and young, they graze faster than most lawn mowers move, and they are easy to train." The school plans to buy twenty later this year. The milk will be sold to Aramark, the young will either go back into the herd or will be given to MKs for ritualistic slaughter and roasting. The only human addition in the deal is a goat herder named Alcahd Habibeeb from Ethiopia who was found through a herder exchange program. As part of his deal the school has agreed to build him a yurt in the quad. The school still has a lot to learn. While testing a goat last week, an over zealous freshman on a Grasshopper ran it over, covering the quad in goat bits. When asked about the sanity of the project, the school declined to comment.
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