THE END TIMES
VOLUME I || ISSUE 1 || APRIL 27, 2004
Ghost of John Brown, SR. Spotted on Campus!
Cafeteria Serves Human Remains!
Bat-Boy, Satan Endorse Bush-Cheney Campaign!
Apostle Paul to Speak in Chapel!
True Idenity of Santa Claus Revealed!
Siloam Springs, AR.-A long-held theory at John Brown University was confirmed today as a beloved professor finally admitted that he was the real Santa Claus. Dr. David Cater, a professor in the Psychology Department, confessed his secret at an unannounced news conference this afternoon in front of the Cathedral of the Ozarks. "I just couldn't keep it in any longer. It just didn't feel Kris Kringily to keep this hidden from my students and peers." A visibly relieved Cater was quoted as saying. "I just hope that now everyone can see that you can be a real Christian and still believe in Santa Clause." Cater then went on to reveal that Dr. Scott Jones, also a professor at JBU, was his lead elf in charge of day-to-day affairs. "Here at school he's kind of laid back," chuckled the jolly fat man "But boy when he puts on those green tights, let me tell ya, that elf is all business." Asked about his plans now that his double identity has been discovered, Cater, or CClause as he would now like to be known, would only reply cryptically that Christmas may come early this year to the JBU community.
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