THE END TIMES
VOLUME I || ISSUE 1 || APRIL 27, 2004
Ghost of John Brown, SR. Spotted on Campus!
Cafeteria Serves Human Remains!
Bat-Boy, Satan Endorse Bush-Cheney Campaign!
Apostle Paul to Speak in Chapel!
Bat-Boy, Satan Endorse Bush-Cheney Campaign!
Washington D.C.-Press conference yesterday revealed the President's newest additions to the campaign. Both the Dark Lord and the Freak of Nature were in attendance to the conference, but neither was available for questioning. "With a duo like this, there's no way we can lose", commented Bush-Cheney Campaign manager Kent Merleman after the conference.
For some time now Bat Boy has been aiding the Intelligence effort for the U.S.-led coalition forces in Iraq, but has preferred stay to out of the political limelight. But after coaxing him out of the shadows, President Bush has convinced Bat Boy to aid in the reelection effort.
Upon hearing about the Republican Party's newest secret weapon, Sen. John Kerry remarked, "Well, we sure didn't see that one coming. There have always been rumors linking Satan with our current president, so no surprise there. But Bat Boy? We were planning on using him."
Bush's decision to use the Prince of This World in his presidential campaign sparked interest in the evangelical Christian community. Amazingly enough, however, this has not dropped Bush's position in the polls among Bible Belt Christians. Nor do Christians see this as a sign of the apocalypse. Rev. Frank Selton had this to say on the subject, "I think President Bush is doing a fine, moral job in Washington and should use any and all means necessary to stay in the White House." When asked whether this holds any apocalyptic significance, Selton said, "Probably not, but even if there is I'm not worried. Besides, the Apostle Paul says that the end came in 1987 anyway."
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