THE END TIMES
VOLUME I || ISSUE 1 || APRIL 27, 2004
Ghost of John Brown, SR. Spotted on Campus!
Cafeteria Serves Human Remains!
Bat-Boy, Satan Endorse Bush-Cheney Campaign!
Apostle Paul to Speak in Chapel!
Apostle Paul to Speak in Chapel!
Says World Ended in 1987!
The Apostle Paul is currently slated to speak in chapel on Tuesday, May 4, after he returns from his seventeenth missionary journey to the planet Zorgon. His lesson is to include a variety of points, as well as many of the newest truths that he has been a proponent of since his ministry went intergalactic nearly two millennia ago. "My goal," says Paul "is to enlighten the students of John Brown University. I plan to illustrate several different truths. But my main point of focus will be on the fact that you people are all now living in a post-apocalyptic world.
You can read all about it in my latest book, 2 Revelation But, basically what it boils down to is that the world has actually already ended-in 1987, to be exact. So forget all these so-called 'prophesies' about the end of the world or the second coming of Christ being in the near future. If you're still here it means you missed it-the rapture, the tribulation, the two witnesses, everything. It already happened, and you're just out of luck. Sorry I can't be more comforting than that. It's very complicated-too much so to explain here. You'll have to read my book for the full details. And of course I'll be expounding on the issue when I come to speak in your chapel, next week."
The Apostle says that all of his books, letters, teaching aids, and missionary itineraries will be available at his booth in the Cathedral, following his sermon. He is also scheduled for a talk-back session in Mayfield Basement on Wednesday night at 8:30 PM, and an open forum in the third floor Walker lobby Thursday evening at 7:00 PM. He will also be available for discussing the possibility of taking on students for summer internships during his next two missionary journeys. As Dr. Blankenship put it, "[Having Saint Paul here] is truly a wonderful opportunity for us to grow together as a community."
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