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THE END TIMES VOLUME I || ISSUE 1 || APRIL 27, 2004 |
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Ghost of John Brown, SR. Spotted on Campus! Cafeteria Serves Human Remains! Bat-Boy, Satan Endorse Bush-Cheney Campaign! Apostle Paul to Speak in Chapel! |
Cafeteria Serves Human Remains!Last week, as students began wrapping up the spring semester, they were surprised to find a stunning array of human body parts available in the cafeteria. "I knew they were trying to give us a wider selection of food, but this is crazy!" said one disgruntled student who found a colon peaking out from between his fettuccini and cream sauce. Few students actually found the new menu displeasing and some were encouraged by the new found ingenuity and innovation. Senior business student Arnold Pridgon said, "I'm really excited by the new turn here in the caf. For the four years I've been here we've always wanted real change and now it's starting to come. To my knowledge no one actually asked for food this 'finger licking good' if you'll pardon the pun, but I can see great things coming out of this." Though it has caused some excitement among the student body, according the cafeteria management it will only be temporary. This windfall came after the University's cryogenic storage facility experienced a power failure last weekend. The facility's mission with the University is to preserve the head, heart and hands of those looking for eternal longevity but when they started to thaw, they had to be used for something. A deal was cut between the university and the cafeteria, providing food services with enough bodies to last till the end of the year. "It was a stroke of luck for us," said caf management. "In fact, we will probably have leftover meat by the end of summer term. We're planning a big, end-of-the-year buddy barbeque. It's nice to know you don't have to spend an arm and a leg to get an arm and a leg." While this might come as a surprise to many, the caf has many longstanding relationships with a variety of local business; such as, the local paper recycling collection and the waste treatment plant. While it lasts, I think we should all take the advice of one freshmen student who said, "This is a great opportunity to have someone for dinner." |
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