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| Things I've seen.. and Didn't like by Breezy Humes and published in the March/April 1996 issue of USA Softball Magazine. IF YOU'RE A PLAYER Don't come to practice. That way, you will prove to everyone that you were born knowing how to play and you don't need to work as hard as the rest of us. Bad mouth the coaches so you can undermine their authority with our team and other teams. Everyone knows coaches don't really have feelings. Make fun of those of us who say cheers during games. It makes you look cool, unlike those silly college and Olympic teams who cheer all the time. Say bad things to the players on the other teams so they will hate us. We don't want to give anyone the idea that we're good sports. Be a slob. Keep your dirty uniform stuffed in your bat bag and then wear it for the next tournament. And whatever you do, don't tuck in your shirt until the umpire orders you to. Be a bully and pick a victim on your own team. Shun her and don't let her into your cool clique. Make fun of her when she makes an error or strikes out. Just ignore it if she makes a good play. It makes you look mature and grown up. Throw a baby fit, if you have to sit out or don't get to play "your position." Your antics are very entertaining; we wouldn't want to try to keep focused on the game anyway. Eat a lot of greasy, fast food on tournament days when it's over 100 degrees outside. That way, you can barf in the dugout and feel rotten the rest of the day. When (and note the when) you strike out, act like it's the first time it ever happened to you and be sure to throw your bat and helmet in the dugout. There's a good chance it will bounce back up and hit someone. Whatever you do, don't take the coaching. Glare at the coaches, talk back, walk away, throw down your glove, be disrespectful. Show them who's boss. Remember, unlike players such as me, you were born knowing how to play this game. IF YOU'RE A COACH Don't have organized practices. That way, we will bounce around randomly from place to place, position to position, activity to activity and be completely confused when it's over. Better yet, don't have practices. We won't be confused then, just completely incompetent. You played Little League, so you know everything. Don't study fast pitch. We like looking like a bunch of idiots on the field. Be sure to make a big production out of taking one of us off the field in the middle of a game after making an error. But don't forget to yell at us out there first. It makes a great impression on the spectators. When we lose a game, be sure to point out the one player who lost the whole game for us. Humiliate her really good in front of all of us. It makes you look so powerful. Get in the umpire's face over a call. That way, everyone will see that our coach isn't scared to get thrown out of a game. If your daughter is on the team, let her make up the lineup, pick the starter from among her favorite friends and choose the assistant coaches. She will save you lots of time. Don't let on to the parents and other spectators that they shouldn't ride players on either team or the umpires. It is so much fun to listen to all the dirty words from the stands. Make sure you take care of your player and parent problems in front of the whole team. We want to know all the dirty details. While you're at it, open a beer, light up a cigarette, and throw in a bunch of four-letter words we are trying so hard to learn. What are role models for anyway? Hold a grudge. Hold it tight and forever against any girl who quits your team. Make her a nervous wreck when her new team plays yours. After all, why would anybody want to quit your team anyway? |
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