he last hours of the flight dragged terribly...one exceptionally drained and gutted soul poured herself out of the plane and launched into life; quiet wait for luggage numb with pain, tiredness tangible, silent walk past customs who did not stop me .. silence my shield...my shelter... The shock of walking out into a world my fleshly body knows so well; charred, scared. Walking out and finding for once faces waiting. ..listening to them squabble and bicker.. background music as the scream inside me threatened to overwhelm my iron control.
hugs all round... a visit to MacDonalds as they wanted breakfast.. feeling my stomach clutch and curdle as the smells of oil and rubbish assault my senses.... rummage through baggage for their gifts.. seeing snappiness snarl to a halt and the odd smile filter through. ..one had not slept at all, still in clubbing clothes and makeup looking strangely out of place with the casual clobber of an airport arrivals lounge ( i use the term lounge loosely!!) one excessively fragile, the otehr very angry.. ..
Taxi ride home,,a shower.. a tiny apartment littered with bodies... noone noticed I slipped aside and sat and cried... missing you achingly. Finding clothes and walking out into the morning as the other bodies fell into sleep.. unable tofind rest I launched into work took myself into anotehr world trying to lose soemthing, find something to cling to and then it was time to head home....
Dopey dropping over the little ones; my oh my how thoughtful we are!! Randy appearing on MSN... and you...
Why can we not just be friends?? JUST friends??
Why do you want me as a friend?
To slave your conscience for the pain you have visited upon me??
because some part of you needs me?? As I need you?
I cannot wave a magic wand and pull back from loving. There are things you must tell me. There are things I will ask in one last phone call.. that is why you have yet seen me. Once I have these answers I disappear.. what does it matter to you?? I matter so little you throw me away!
You told me you choose NOT to change things to be with me. It hurts. What of love?? Your timing sucks.. really sucks.
