The plane fills again. Hoping everything is sorted out and there is not too large a backlog after your absence. Wondering about the completion of the pending exam questions. ..wodnering how Peter is,...wondering about Rona. Felling myself fall into trip into dullness. Feeling colour and vibrance shimmer and flicker into dull background greys.. Empty Hurting in ways I could not believe possible to hurt. dreading the piling of hour upon hour. wanting to lay down and never emerge again to close my eyes never to have to open them... wnating, aching for nothingness to kill thepain.
10.45 8 hours and 322 minutes from here, the last leg of this flight stretches before me...7550kms..arrivale stimated at 6.11 Sydney time... 5.11 your Friday evening.
11.05 your time...the AC finally kicked in after our ascent. dinner is coming around..I decline all offers.. food is not soemthing I can think of never mind deal with... I need a translator for my thoughts and my feelings.
I miss you.!!
11.45 your Friday.... I am sipping water. Seeing you acros from me as I wrestled pasta and vegtables mainly to please you...to partake.. talking, sipping, aware of you and everything around you... grateful you have shared so many aspects of you and your world..aching because I am forever scarred by my sure knowledge of you... Full of you. Watching you eat and drink. Seeing what you choose.. storing it all up.. intensely aware. likes, dislikes; seeing, feeling so much. Seeing clearly in my mind the theatre...the intersections.. the cobbled roads... you. Seeing your head on a swivel each time we passed a music store.. feeling the depth of your knowledge.
Right now I love you more than I ever have. In every way. What must my fellow traveller think as I sit in silent reverie crying my trip away. tearsI cannot stop pouring away the broken heart I am becoming.. filling the huge emptiness I am becoming..
red wine. One glass...redolent with longing; you.
12 noon
I havenever been more aware of you. I have never loved you more than at this moment. tehre is nowhere for me to go from this . For me. There is you. you melted me and allowed me the room to become more intensely myself than I have ever been. Balance, strength, support refuge...You are the better part of me..and I am now lost, sudnered , missing you...more than you can ever know. I don't wnat this. I do not wnat to be away from you. Iwant so much to spend every last moment of my life around you or with you. me and my wants! How DARE I???
