Bangkok...down on the ground....cleaning crew swarming through the plane like chattering monkeys at a hindu temple for the God Hanuman...plastic swishing... laughing. I feel remote. How can anyone laugh? I feel the movement of air around me.. a kiss of chill in the 30C heat. Stand, walk around, flex, stretch, kneel instead of sit.. hear my tortured knees scream... rotate ankles and wrists...reach up with both hands and stretch back aware of each vertebrae.... almost break a nail.
The thought of even one day without you eats at the base of me. I smell you still. Taste you..... I cannot bear the thought of the rest of my life without you. as part of me. You are a large part of the me I have become int he two eyars we have grown into each other. I am disembowelled, emotionally rent and sudnered. I have no home for you are my home, have been the home of my heart for as long as I can remember feeling... terror, lost, afraid o look even moments ahead, afraid to trip over the pieces of my broken heart.
It took me 18 years and you to finally realise the hurt and dmamage Randy had done to me ..to the innocent child I once was. What terrifies me is that I am still as innocent and gullible and naive..even despite that hardening. Tell me how I am supposed to heal from the hurt of losing you?? I don;t know how to do this. I lay in your arms those last few moments before your alarm went off, calling you back to the life you choose above me and above love, a scream inside began in my head and pounded at me to get out...a scream all the more dire and potent for it silence...a scream still shakings the very foundations of me shattering anything I have become leaving me lost and shaken...and hurting. All encompassing, a scream whole and entire. And I am screaming still...every minute of this journey. Why can not the passengers I travel with sense the intense agony of my sudnered heart...and broken spirit?
45 minutes and you will be having morning tea.. have you opened the Tim Tams yet?
It comes back to the inequity. Knowing that love isn't enough. I resent the fate that brought me to this. Stupid of me to dare to believe life might actually let me have some happiness, even let me have what I want? yeah!! Right!!
The sad truth I must face is that YOU want it to end. You have old me this is what you want. I don't. But you have what you wnat now ian. I walk into a hell you have condemned me to. The sun is dead in my life. There is nothing. No joy. No light. Nothing except the normal cast of characters eating me alive from the inside, to whom you have
added yourself.
