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| previous LEE |
Background Background1 Sister Early Years Early Years_2 Teens 20s - Beginnings 20s - Endings 20s - Loss 20s - Leavings 20s - Return 30s Sitemap |
| Facets: |
| We all have our personal Darkness...I found mine and began that walk into myself there, at that point. What I have become is partly because of that, so much of the mischoices and the horror of the intervening years finds its genesis in this. I justified staying with Randy because I rationalised: * Women have historically "stayed" with men and no love in their life * Someone HAS to sacrifice, and it is usually the woman ( MY mother's gem that!!~~!!) * We had four children, we were a Family * committment is for life Slowly something inside me - something trusting and young and hopeful and vibrant was broken and shattered beyond repair. I survived oppression and abuse and exorcism, desperation to pay bills and live with no skills and clung to what was left of myself tenaciously, and LOVED believing that IF you love and go on loving THEY have to love you back... ONE DAY. I was wrong. So wrong. At just 20ish one doesn't think of the example one is setting for one's children. I was wrong about LOVE. Love does come back though. Just not from where you expect it or want it. One does not dictate or control love. Dhaka Bangladesh. My birthday and he threatened to leave for the fifth and final time; (he was so harsh in his expecations of a little boy that we had a blazing row.) He packed his bags and stood at the door and looked back at me. In the past I always backed down then, ...this time I didn't. I let him go. 20 minutes to midnight. Happy birthday. I cried with relief. It had taken 6 months for me to lock him out of me...slowly inch by inch I had emotionally pulled myself back... he could have stopped me at any point, had I seen any love ... The man I fell in love with had long ceased to exist. In the course of our marraige I had a recurring dream that he and I were running a race, and that I finished alone. I knew from that point on I wouldn't see out the end of my life with him. I had the dream many times. Some part of me knew. My conscious mind is so stubborn sometimes. |
| Tracking and defining ME |
| Ending |