| this is the paradox version of "where's waldo?" today.... |
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| where's nikki? she's hiding in a back room somewhere still wanting to die because she thinks she's going to be this depressed forever. |
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| where's lysergia? she's comatose, still, as she has been for months since deciding she just can't hack life in any form. |
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| where's loreen? she's worrying and fussing over our sick fianc�e, oblivious to the fact that THIS body is also in pain and need of attention. |
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| where's junebug? hiding in the kids room with the rest of the children, because they are all convinced that we are going to get in trouble for doing something "wrong" while our fianc�e is sick (thanks mom and dad!). |
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| where's desir�e? not that far away from the feeling i keep getting... that feeling where i keep finding myself staring at people in a sexual way (ugh). or maybe it's dirtygirl, i don't know. |
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| where's rogue? she's in the basement consorting with people down there that i don't really know. and she's not talking to me about it. but i think she's gathering a posse of sorts and i'm pissed that i'm not in on it. |
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| where's dana? good freakin question. she must be upstairs because i haven't heard from her for days. which is surprising because i've been coding a bit and that usually brings her around. hmmm. |
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| where's mallory? right here, writing in this journal and trying to make light of the fact that i feel overwhelmed and i'd like somebody to come give me a break NOW, thank you... |
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| i hate triggers. i hate them i hate them i hate them. i hate being the kind of person who has to be aware of them. i hate that we think of things at certain times of the year, i hate that we feel terrible things every time a reminiscent situation comes up, i hate that all of life always has something waiting around the corner to jump out and not let us have peace. i don't want to be a survivor dammit. i want to be free to feel things because they are relevant NOW, not because they used to be relevant before. that wish goes for all of us in the paradox, not just me. my own triggers are pretty limited compared to some others here. but i still have to deal with the effects on other people in my system, unless i just decide to throw my hands up and say fuckit you all can deal with this alone. why did i have to get a fucking conscience?? why did i ever have to start caring about these people?? why can't i stop now?? |
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| tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we lost our "official" virginity. it was NOT a pleasant experience. why the hell, of all the things we've managed to forget, do we remember this particular date? we've never forgotten it and it was seventeen fucking years ago. it's very weird.... when i think of it, i also start thinking of things that don't seem like they should be related. or maybe they are related in an illogical way. i start thinking of other times we had sexual activity we didn't want when we were younger than that. but those are different circumstances with different people. nikki DID agree to having sex with that man on august first. we didn't agree before, it was not the same thing. but it's all tied up together in my brain. it makes me want to scream and puke. and kill someone. or several people. |
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| that was a long goddamned time ago and it is NOT relevant anymore. it's one thing to think about it because you remember a particular date, okay, but to go through this?? it just seems... i don't know... stupid and dramatic and whiny and i just feel like GET OVER IT ALREADY but we're not over it, i'm not over it, as much as i hate it. and if i got it in my head to actually sit and talk to another human being about this, i couldn't get out what i wanted to anyway because (as i discovered this weekend) there's someone else in front whose specific job is to make sure that i DON'T say anything that rocks the boat. so i get to approach honesty but not be TOO blatant or else everything just goes blank and i can't find the train of thought anymore... or else i just lose time and someone else comes out and says something to change the subject. fuck fuck fuck. there's gotta be a way around this and goddammit i WILL find it. if there's anything these people here should know about me by now, it's that making rules like that is just ASKING for me to break them. STOP CENSORING ME!!! LET ME BLOW UP if i need to blow up, for chrissake it's not the end of the fucking world for me to scream it out if that makes me feel better. oh yeah sure i can scream it out, just not when there's anyone nearby to listen... can't let anybody know EVER... |
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| our therapist said some interesting things last week. he was talking to me about nurturing, emotional self-care stuff. stuff i know nothing about. he started off by posing a hypothetical question: how would you make a kid into a multiple? so i listed off some things that would make a kid need to be more than one (like neglect and violence and inconsistency and isolation). then he said okay you've got a multiple kid now, standing right in front of you, and you're her parent. you've gotta look after her and try to make things better for her. what are you going to do to help her? so i thought of some things like being consistent with her, and giving her positive regard, and letting her be herself no matter what, and protecting her from violence. then he says all those things you just said are what you need to do for YOU (you plural). |
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| i don't know how to do these things for me or for us. i know how to protect us from violence, well as much as anyone can i guess. but i don't know how to let me be me or us be us, especially when there's so much i supposedly CANNOT talk about. being me sometimes would mean saying some things that are too much for others here to handle.... or they just can't handle the impact of someone outside the system KNOWING these things about me. and it would mean saying things that would make other people mad sometimes too, and that breaks the "illusion of safety" that shutting up gives us. other people being mad within the same physical space makes so many of us panic in a big way. there's so much fear here. and me being me means that my unpopular opinions would make people mad, without a doubt, and then the kids and some of the adults would be cowering in a corner, triggered. that hardly seems worth it to me. am i playing into their no-telling games? i think i need to find out. if i could just stop losing time long enough.... |
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