well, i talked to our Council about why i got locked out. they made me wait forever for this explanation, i don't know why.
 
i thought i was in trouble for something. that wasn't directly true, in that i didn't violate some big honking rule that has been well-established here (like not beating on people or something).
 
they locked me out while there was something of a riot going on. it would have been too risky to let me be involved, so i am told. i was the ONLY one locked out. i didn't know what to say about this other than... huh? am i suddenly that important? what the hell? i mean in this system i am like "nobody's child"... i don't fit into any part of our world in any way that makes me important. i don't really belong anywhere. i didn't think anything i ever did would be of great consequence really, unless it was something i did to the body, and i've been good about that lately.
 
they told me i've been setting an example for others who live in the basement. i was supposed to live there forever, and i don't. after my twin came to me and we were united, my ability to move about the system changed. i mean i could get "out" before, but not with as much freedom as i have now. others blocked me very often, because i was, um, unpleasant. now not too many people can block me when i want to be out. the Council can block anyone, or so they say.
 
but anyway... i've been living like a nomad of sorts since Empathy and i were joined (two years ago? three?). sometimes i live in the basement, sometimes here on the main floor, and sometimes i am out in the body. sometimes i journey elsewhere, but not often, because i have too much to learn about how to travel before i decide to go too far hehe :/
 
i've prolly mentioned here that lately, i've had it in my bonnet to get people who live in the basement (and back rooms of the main floor) to come up to the main floor for while, or even take the body for a little bit just to experience how the rest of the system lives (thus the bloodlines forum... i thought maybe some would talk there). i don't like how main floor people have access to so many choices, and yet people in the basement are unaware of this. basement people don't live life in the body. they are down there, all the time. and it's not a good life. there are some who like it, and that's fine for them, but there are others who think that all of life is like that everywhere... and that's just not true, and i wanted them to see it.
 
this isn't exactly a "rule" i am breaking... there's nothing here that specifically prevents anyone from associating with anybody, except for the people who live behind physical barriers (like the Angels and the cave people). i didn't talk to any cave people, i don't even wanna go there. and i don't think i could get to the Angels even if i tried.
 
well to make a long story a little shorter, Rogue gathered up a bunch of basement folks the other night and "stormed" the main floor. i couldn't see or hear any of it because i was locked outside. but apparently it wasn't pretty. they scared the shit out of the people who were in the "main room" closest to the outside. the Council locked the main door... with me on one side of it trying to get back in, and Rogue and pals on the other side trying to get out. i still don't know what they did to get them to leave and go back to the basement. i don't think anyone was hurt though.
 
the Council told me that if i had been there, i might have sucessfully got Rogue's crew out to accomplish their purposes. they would have expected me to help them. they're right, i would have helped them. i wish the Council would tell me exactly how it is i could have got around their apparent power to lock that door... but of course they won't tell me that. i derive from this that the power of our Council is not perfect or absolute, and that there is SOMETHING i could have done to circumvent them stopping this revolt. but damned if i know what that is. maybe i am smarter than i think, or maybe they think i am smarter than i really am.
 
i've been told that i must make a choice regarding my role here. i am either a basement person or i'm a main floor person. up until now, i've wandered back and forth without much cause for concern. but since Rogue escaped the cave (and found her way to the main floor), and now talks to others (in the basement outside the cave)... more of them want this freedom to move about as i do. they see me as some sort of example of what they want to be. and i've encouraged that without really knowing that i was being taken so seriously.
 
if the basment people were all to decide they want to come up here whenever they feel like it, the balance of our system would be totally lost. this is what the Council explained to me. the people who live here on the main floor are "built" not only for main floor life, but for life outside, using the body. they are the most "acceptable" humans we have. they are prosocial people, who won't hurt anyone. they promote peace in our life. they take care of our daughter, they make sure we have a place for the body to live, they maintain our relationships, they do all those things that create a "normal" human existence. and they can do this because they are protected from the others by a difference in physical space. they can't feel the pain or the rage that comes from being a basement person. the emotions they already experience can overwhelm them (as Nikki has been the last few months, and as Leslie has been for going on a year now). adding a bunch of basement people to this largely co-conscious mix would be devastating to those who take care of outside life.
 
all i could think about is what Nikki already goes through with her depression and anxiety attacks. Nikki is a sponge. if she were exposed every day to the minds of people like Rogue, she'd lose all her ability to get back up and cope. she already suffers because of her own history and because of her proximity to the children (who are emotionally very "loud" projectors). and Nikki isn't the only one who would be crushed. most of the people who take care of outside-life concerns would be affected the same way. hell, having even main floor people around Leslie was enough to maybe permanently drive her into that coma she's been in. just the awareness of US was too much for her, and she doesn't even know the basement people.
 
i wish i could divorce myself from caring what happens to them. but since i have come up and lived with them more often these last few years, i've also learned to love them in my own way. and i really don't want to ruin their lives, even if i don't agree with how they live. i thought they could take being shaken up. i guess there are limits to that, and i just found out what they are.
 
on the other hand, how can i deny that Rogue and everyone else in the basement have a right to live as they please also? it is not fair to force them into that place against their will. okay it was fine before they knew about being up here... you can't long for what you aren't aware of, right? but they DO know now. and keeping them in that place is cruel if they don't want to be there. i can't just pretend they aren't suffering, because i know they are. i lived the life they are living right now for many years. i know the risks they run living there, i know they have to fight for their lives. at least living on the main floor, you don't have to do that. nobody tries to kill you up here. people up here sometimes try to kill the body, but we've learned a lot about how to deal with that. at least we aren't killing one another on the main floor like people down there do.
 
so now i have to decide... do i stay here? do i return to the basement? do i keep one foot in both worlds like a hypocrite and tell Rogue that she can't do what i do?
 
there is no way i can just abandon either side. if i absolutely had to choose an allegiance, i would have to choose the side of my people, the basment people. but i wouldn't stop caring about those here on the main floor. i wouldn't be willing to cause them permanent harm. not anymore.
 
and i can hear my twin like a voice in my head, even though she doesn't really exist anymore. i can hear her telling me that having a heart is a bigger burden than my fists ever were. and i wonder why she gave hers to me. did she really think i could carry this better than she could?
 
i have to find Rogue and her people (i don't even know who they are, i mean i don't even know their names). i have to see if there is some way we can get around this.
 
i've hardly been able to sleep. i don't know what to do. i really need help here. i know the Council will give me time to make a decision, but not THAT long. Dana (who is a Council member from time to time) came around yesterday to give me some time alone to think, and time to talk to Nikki about all this. Nikki doesn't want to influence my decision. She doesn't want me to sacrifice anyone else's freedom for her sake, but she is afraid for herself and the others.
 
if anyone actually read all this, thanks. i know this is probably way too much information. but for the first time i can ever remember, i am really stuck and i can't figure out what to do.
 
and i totally resent having this fall on my shoulders. fuck.
 
(above is a representation of what you can see of the basment from the entrance to the main floor)
 
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