| i don't want to shout what i am about to say, i want to whisper it. |
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| the only reason i'm even writing this here is so that when i want to tell people "what's wrong" i can give them an url and say "here". THIS. this is what's wrong. |
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| someone new showed up this weekend. okay when any of us says "new", it doesn't mean we just split again. it means someone that none of the front people knows. maybe i should explain what i know about how our system is organized. |
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| the people living "up front", those of us who move back and forth between the inside and outside world, live on the main floor of our house. if you want, you can walk out the front door and be in the outside world. or you can just look out the windows and see what's going on out there, but not go out yourself. some folks live on this floor and never go out, just peek out the windows from time to time. the majority of our kids live on this floor; they have a room of their own that doesn't have any windows, so they can stay here (where it's reasonably safe) and not be aware of the outside if they don't want to be. |
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| we are unsure what happens on the second floor. in the attic, there are the souls of those of us who cannot come back into the body. some of those souls are confined to a room that is boarded up and has no windows. these are the souls that died while in the body, but don't know that they are dead. the attic opens into a large green meadow that resides above the natural world. purity lives there, and and our enfant premiere, the birth child. the soul of my twin empathy is there too, although i don't understand how this is possible since we blended. i don't know who else is there, but i know that this is a place where those who need to remain above the pain of the natural world reside. it is like eden, without time, without pain or want, bathed in the warmth of the sun. |
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| the basement is where the most damaged (but living) among us reside. the dark ones live there in a cave protected by a metal fence. there are others that live down there too, but i'm not clear about where or who they are. there is a rolling, angry ocean shore with huge jagged rocks at the edge of the basement. there is a large furnace at the opposite end, where those of us who fuel the anger continue to feed the fire. i came from there. empathy came to the basement to find me and brought me to the main floor. |
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| so now when i say that this someone new came up from the basement, does it give you an idea of what she might be like? maybe not. okay. we think she escaped from the cave somehow. this is because she is not only filthy from head to toe, but she is also covered in blood and semen and has a massive wound in a place i won't mention. she's been whipped or cut, i'm not sure. she came up here screaming that she wanted "it" too, that she wanted "the change". i don't know what she means. she has the most psychotic look i have ever seen. her eyes never stop moving. she keeps running and hiding around the main floor. lysergia tried to talk to her but the girl/woman flipped out and ran away from her. lysergia is totally freaked now and i am halfway there. this person keeps sneaking around, she's probably watching us. whenever she's hiding in the front room (closest to the outside door), i can "feel" her and it terrifies me. she keeps making a run for the door but if i'm anywhere near it she runs and hides again. i can't let her out, so i have to stay beside the door and not get too distracted by what's going on outside. i am tired and scared. i've never been really scared before. i was always on the other end of this. and i don't know what to do. |
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| i know that while this is going on we're gonna be collectively nuts. our degree of co-consciousness can be a good thing but it can be a bad thing too - when we "feel" her, we feel her thoughts and feelings too. so because she is psychotic and scared out of her mind, so am i half the time. it doesn't make me a good "watchperson". but i'm here, and i'll keep trying as best as i can. the one thing i want to stress to those of you close by who might read this - PLEASE if she gets out, DON'T try to put her/us in the hospital. she's trying to run because she is terrified from what has been done to her down there. she doesn't understand the outside world, and being locked up and drugged in a hospital where the staff does NOT understand mpd is just a way to terrify her more. there is NOBODY she is going to trust not to hurt her. that's why i have to keep her in here until she's watched us long enough to find out that we are safe and we won't hurt her or send her back down there. if you aren't sure what to do, try calling for me (mallory). talk to her calmly and don't try to touch her. offer her something to calm down if she wants it, but don't force her. she probably won't talk, but know that she can hear you. tell her that it's okay to stay here but she isn't allowed to hurt herself or anyone else. don't focus on her too much, but let her know you are there to help. i know all these things because i remember what it was like when i came upstairs. i needed time to observe without being prodded or pushed to do anything. i came through it okay (and so did the rest of us), but i know on the outside it prolly looked like we were really going insane. i guess what i'm trying to say is LET US handle it, not the stupid doctors. |
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| this is stuff that's inevitable for people like us. it's going to happen, whether it's in a therapist's office or at home. i think we can handle it, now that i'm here to help explain what's happening (lysergia doesn't know this kind of stuff unless i tell her, she's always been on the main floor). but it's gonna be hard hard hard to go through, i bet. i remember what i felt like, and if the others could "feel" me like i can feel this person, it must have been awful. but it can be an awful thing that leads to a better place - after all, things are much better for me (and the rest of us) now that i have lived here long enough to develop a respect and understanding for my system and the body we live in. i WANT to give her that chance, no matter what we have to go through in the interim. i think i know now what she means by "the change". i think she wants what i have. |
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Quote of the day:
"Our normal waking consciousness, rational consciousness as we call it, is but one special type of consciousness, whilst all about it, parted from it by the filmiest of screens, there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. We may go through life without suspecting their existence; but apply the requisite stimulus, and at a touch they are there in all their completeness... No account of the universe in its totality can be final which leaves these other forms of consciousness quite disregarded. How to regard them is the question...At any rate, they forbid our premature closing of accounts with reality..."
William James |
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