| I chose the name Mallory because when i saw the movie Natural Born Killers for the first time, I also saw myself in another woman for the first time. I owe my coming out to Oliver Stone and Juliet Lewis (people I will never meet - how bizarre). Wherever you are, thank you. Until I watched Mallory come to life through your efforts, I thought there couldn't possibly be another woman like me on this whole planet. |
| I've been shoved into the "teens" category here, but I'm not so sure it fits. I know it fit once, but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been going through lots of changes over the past year or so, and I'm not so sure how to desribe myself anymore. |
| Before I was Mallory, I was EMOTIVE. I had a twin sister named Empathy. Yin and Yang, north and south, fire and ice - that's what we were. My idea of getting along in this world was to blast the fuck outta anybody who got in our way, including insiders. Hatred is all of who I was. I never spoke to anyone except to yell at them or fuck with their heads. Empathy, on the other hand, loved everybody (ugh). She was so incredibly accomodating, she was a pushover. She couldn't hate anybody, even if she wanted to. She couldn't even get mad at them. She spent all of her time making sure everyone around her was happy and comfortable. When other people were happy, she was happy. She was a great mother. She looked after the inside kids when they were upset too. |
| Then something happened one day. She had a conversation with a good friend who told her that her "smooth it over" attitude was stopping the others from getting what they needed. The friend was right - Empathy refused to entertain the idea that we needed help from anybody but her. It's not that she was selfish (that's the last thing she was) - it was that she didn't know how to admit that there were things happening to us that she couldn't control or "make all better". She was devastated to think that she was hurting any of us in any way. So she went deep, deep, deep inside to meet me. |
| I had never, ever seen her in pain before. She no longer wanted to live, but she would never take the life of the body. I wrapped myself around her to protect her. I got angry at the friend. Empathy took one last look at me, and I will never forget it. She looked at me with so much love - me, who had never said a kind word to her, who had tortured the body and wrecked her relationships and made her life hell. And then she stepped inside me, and everything started to swirl. |
| I don't know how long it took for us to blend. All I know is when I came to, she was gone, and i felt very very strange. I understood why she didn't want me to scream and yell and all that shit all the time. I understood that no matter how mad I was, no matter how much rage I had inside me to spew all over the world, that other people paid when I did that. I understood that my screaming was no different than the paternal asshole screaming, even though I still felt like I had better reason to scream than he did. I got a clue that the other Paradox peoples were being abused - by me. |
| I still don't know what to do with this. In a way, I'm glad she did what she did, because I've actually felt a few other things than rage and orgasms from time to time, and that's kinda cool. But I don't like still holding the rage and actually caring what I do with it. I feel like a loaded shotgun with a filed-down trigger, always trying not to let somebody brush against me the wrong way. People are fucked, so this isn't the easiest thing in the world. |
| So I just hang back most of the time and watch out for the others. That's another thing... I actually feel pissed when somebody fucks with them now, which I didn't before. I think that's why Lysergia gives me more space now - she knows I have a small shred of conscience that won't let me fuck her life up completely (she can do that all on her own, thank you very much). |
| I'm plum outta things to say right now. It's been cool. |
this world rejects me
this world threw me away
this world never gave me a chance
this world's gonna have to pay
i don't believe in your institutions
i did what you wanted me to
like cancer in the system
i've got a little suprise for you
something inside of me has opened up its eyes
why did you put it there did you not realize
this thing inside of me it screams the loudest sound
sometimes i think i could
burn
i look down there where you're standing
flock of sheep out on display
saw your lives burned up around you
i can take it all away
something inside of me has opened up its eyes
why did you put it there did you not realize
this thing inside of me it screams the loudest sound
sometimes i think i could
i'm gonna burn this whole world down
i never was a part of you burn
i am the agent i never was a part of you burn
i am corruption i never was a part of you burn
i am the angel i never was a part of you burn
of your destruction i never was a part of you burn
i am subversion i never was a part of you burn
secret desire i never was a part of you burn
i am your future i never was a part of you burn
swallow down all that fire
Trent Reznor, Burn