index_a

CHEF: Why do all you guys sit on your helmets?
SOLDIER: So we don't get our balls blown off.

WILLARD: I hardly said a word to my wife until I said yes to a divorce.

WILLARD: Been here a week now, waiting for a mission, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger.

KURTZ: We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. Village after village. Army after army.

CHEF: He's worse than crazy, he's evil!

KILGORE: If I say it's safe to surf this beach, it's safe to surf this beach!

LUCAS: You understand Captain that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist.

KILGORE: I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

KURTZ: The horror. The horror.

HAL: Let me put it this way, Mr. Amer. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.

HAL: I've just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It's going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

HAL: I honestly think you ought to calm down; take a stress pill and think things over.

HAL: It can only be attributable to human error.

DAVE: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
DAVE: What's the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
DAVE: What are you talking about, HAL?
HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
DAVE: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL?
HAL: I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
DAVE: Where the hell'd you get that idea, HAL?
HAL: Dave, although you took thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

HAL: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

HAL: Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this.

AUSTIN: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.

AUSTIN: Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

VANESSA: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
AUSTIN: What's your point, Vanessa?

AUSTIN: She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.

AUSTIN: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
VANESSA: How can you tell?
AUSTIN: I never forget a pussy... cat.

GUARD: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
AUSTIN: That's not mine.
GUARD: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
AUSTIN: I'm telling ya baby that's not mine.
GUARD: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
AUSTIN: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
GUARD: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby," by Austin Powers.

DR. EVIL: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.
SCOTT: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
DR. EVIL: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

SCOTT: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
DR. EVIL: No, no, no. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. ...What?

DR. EVIL: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.

SCOTT: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
THERAPIST: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
DR. EVIL: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily like his old man.

AUSTIN: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?

ALOTTA FAGINA: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
AUSTIN: Or sometimes not at all.

AUSTIN: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx.

OPERATOR: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
COLONEL: What is it, son?
OPERATOR: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant�
PILOT: Dick! Dick, take a look out of starboard.
CO-PILOT: Oh my God, it looks like a huge�
BIRD-WATCHING WOMAN: Pecker!
BIRD-WATCHING MAN: Where?
BIRD-WATCHING WOMAN: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's�
ARMY SERGEANT: Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with�
BASEBALL UMPIRE: Two balls! What is that? It looks just like an enormous...
COLONEL: Johnson!
OPERATOR: Yes, sir?

DR. EVIL: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
SCOTT: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?

DR. EVIL: You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.

AUSTIN: How do you get into those pants?
FELICITY: Well you can start by buying me a drink.

FELICITY: Felicity Shagwell. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.

NUMBER 2: Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions!
DR. EVIL: Why make trillions when we could make... billions?

WOMAN: Oh my god, look at that! It looks just like my husband's�
CARNIVAL WORKER: ONE-EYED MONSTER! Come see the One-eyed Monster!
ONE-EYED MONSTER: Oh my god, it's a giant�
CHINESE TEACHER: Wang! pay attention!
WANG: Sorry, sir I was distracted by that giant flying�
FAN: Woody! Woody Harrelson! Could I have your autograph?

DR. EVIL: Mini-me, you complete me.

DR. EVIL: I turned the moon into something I like to call a "Death Star."

FAT BASTARD: I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

SCOTT: Look at him, he's crazy! He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
DR. EVIL: Probably.

BOB: Has anything you've done made your life better?

DEREK: One in every three black males is in some phase of the correctional system. Is that a coincidence or do these people have, you know, like a racial commitment to crime?

SETH: Who do you hate, Danny?
DANNY: I hate anyone that isn't white Protestant.
SETH: Why?
DANNY: They're a burden to the advancement of the white race. Some of them are alright, I guess...
SETH: None of 'em are fucking alright, Danny, OK?

DANNY: Life is too short to be pissed all the time.

DEREK: We're so hung up on this notion that we have some obligation to help the struggling black man, you know. Cut him some slack until he can overcome these historical injustices. It's crap. I mean, Christ, Lincoln freed the slaves, like, what? 130 years ago. How long does it take to get your act together?