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Computer
You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You refer to your age as 3.x.
You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
"Memo of the Month,"
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch
Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it
rather funny.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or
should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside
of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should
suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
Microsoft Toast
During Bill Gates speech at COMDEX yesterday, he introduced a new product, to be
unveiled at COMDEX today, called Microsoft Toast(tm). The media was given a
pre-release demo and encouraged to try it out while preparing their
breakfast this morning.
Here is one reporter's transcript of his morning:
Insert Bread - {Ok} {Cancel}
"{Ok}"
Use slider control to select # of seconds to toast bread.
"{5}"
[Toasting] And remember that only Microsoft bread(tm) is guaranteed to work
perfectly in... TOAST BURNING - PRESS CANCEL TO STOP TOASTING PROCESS -
{Ok} {Cancel}
"{Cancel}"
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT 0300:0100 TOAST EXPLORER(tm) HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO
THE SYSTEM, PRESS RETRY TO RESTART OR CANCEL TO CONTINUE WAITING FOR PROGRAM
RESPONSE.
"{Cancel}"
Microsoft Security(tm) system determined that the smoke levels in your home have
become dangerously high, would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call the fire
department? - {OK} {CANCEL}
"{OK}"
MAPI FAULT - PHONE ALREADY IN USE BY MICROSOFT EXCHANGE, PLEASE SHUT DOWN
PROGRAM AND RETRY. - {OK} {CANCEL}
"{OK}"
Microsoft Security(tm) system determined that the smoke levels in your home have
become dangerously high, would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call the fire
department? - {OK} {CANCEL}
"{OK}"
"{START} {PROGRAM FILES} {MICROSOFT EXCHANGE} {CLOSE}"
MAPI FAULT - PHONE ALREADY IN USE BY MICROSOFT EXCHANGE, PLEASE SHUT DOWN
PROGRAM AND RETRY. - {OK} {CANCEL}
"{OK}"
Are you sure you wish to shut down Microsoft Exchange? -{OK}{CANCEL}
"{OK}"
TOAST EXPLORER(tm) HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, THIS PROGRAM WILL BE
TERMINATED - {OK}
"{OK}"
Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that your house is on fire, and/or
in the midst of an intruder alert. Would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call
the police? - {OK} {CANCEL}
[DISCLAIMER - CALLING THE POLICE FOR A NONURGENT SITUATION CAN LEAD TO SEVERE
CRIMINAL FINES AND PENALTIES, FOR WHICH MICROSOFT(tm) WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE.
MICROSOFT(tm) DOES NOT GUARANTEE RESPONSE TIMES OR YOUR SAFETY, ONLY THAT THE
COMPUTER WILL ATTEMPT TO CALL THE POLICE. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO ACCEPT THIS
REPONSIBILITY, PLEASE PRESS REJECT BELOW. Do you
accept this reponsibility?] - {ACCEPT} {REJECT}
"{ACCEPT}"
MAPI FAULT - MAPI ALREADY IN USE.
MAPI HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, THIS PROGRAM WILL BE TERMINATED.
{OK}
"{OK}"
Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that the system is in danger.
The system will now power down for safety reasons. {POWER DOWN} {STAY ON}
"{STAY ON}"
Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that your house is on fire, and/or
in the midst of an intruder alert. Would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call
the police? - {OK} {CANCEL}
"{OK}"
Microsoft Power Management(tm) has determined that a power loss has occured and
the UPS has been activated. You have 10 minutes of power left. {OK} {CANCEL}
"{OK}"
MICROSOFT SECURITY FAULT - MAPI NOT PRESENT
MICROSOFT SECURITY HAS BECOME UNSTABLE AND WILL BE TERMINATED. -{OK}
"{esc}"
"{esc}"
"{esc}"
"{OK}"
YOUR SYSTEM HAS BECOME UNSTABLE - PLEASE REBOOT THE SYSTEM.