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Computer
Costello And Abbott
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX:
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get
information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get
the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was
upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not
to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless
of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
Pascal compiler team.
Top 20 Reasons Dogs don't use Computers
20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com
instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
tail-wagging.
10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
Story
I live in Berlin, Germany and asked a friend in the U.S. per email to call
American Online in the States and have them send their AOL install diskettes to
me at my Berlin address. My friend called AOL, then sent me
this message:
I called AOL for you but had "an experience" talking to the
minimum-wage employee who attempted to take your address.
I pronounced your name for her and then spelled it (SLOWLY). I gave her the
street address and spelled it. Faithfully following her script, she then asked
for the State (as in which US state).
I replied, "actually it is in Berlin, Germany" and gave her the postal
code. I didn't think it necessary to spell Berlin, Germany. My mistake. After a
silence she said, "That's G-R?" I then spelled Germany for her. She
said, "No, I mean the abbreviation." I said, "Are you trying to
abbreviate Germany in the 'State field' on your computer screen?"
"Yes," she replied.
I told her again that it was not at United States address, that GR sounded like
a good abbreviation but it was not a US state and that she might have to spell
out Germany on another line. She replied, "I know it's not in the US, it's
in Canada."
If there were any doubt I was in trouble, it was now certain.
I clarified that Berlin was a city in the country of Germany and that neither
were anywhere near Canada. Silence ... Me: "You know, the country in Europe
... Hitler and all that Nazi stuff from the 1940's ..."
Silence ...
Her: "So the city is B-U-N-L-E-R?"
Me: "No, it's Berlin ... Berlin, Germany ... B-E-R-L-I-N"
Her: "OK, but what's the state?"
AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lucy just pulled the
football out from under me again.
Again I told her that there wasn't a US state involved. I know there is a German
equivalent of a state that Berlin is in but I couldn't remember the name, nor
its abbreviation, nor did I think giving it to her if I had it would do any
good.
I'm not done yet ...
Then she asks me for a phone number. Not having yours readily available to her,
I replied, "I'm calling you locally from the States and I don't have a
phone number in Berlin to give you."
A brief pause. . .
Her: "So, what was your phone number again?"
AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I gave her my phone
number because I knew, like a computer program with no escapes from an endless
loop, if she didn't fill in the phone number line, I'd never get
off the phone and you'd never get AOL. Imagine if I had given her your phone
number with all those numbers and no familiar (xxx) xxx-xxxx format. My god,
what would she have done then???
She ended the call by reading the "namestring" script, "Thank you
... Mr. 'tan-GAY' ... for ordering America On-Line. Your order will arrive
within 2 weeks. Have a nice day."
Good luck.
Paul
by Edward Tanguay