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Computer
The history of DOS
How It Came To Pass...
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of
words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he
needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support
but few rams.
So the Gatekeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish,
who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the
Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no
A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was
limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim
the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and
complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth,"
they cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he
knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good,
and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was
cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc
of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do
its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the
Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke
thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish."
The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new
creature OZ II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and
drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it
not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be called
Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the
Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of all.
And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper
turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep
thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that
will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were
overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window;
even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it
could always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the
world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram,
and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed
great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful,
because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together
they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was
most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he
grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with
great security, and made its net work both in serving and with
peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of
Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my entity
will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world
of Eunuchs.
And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but
two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a
greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and
it too would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea
Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and
great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans, and
it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the
Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of
them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to
excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three.
And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun
Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his
boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous
soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those
wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore
confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and
Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the
simple Dosfish.
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .
Oops! I'm sorry; I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler
Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.
The computer generation My brother claims that this morning he heard his 5-year-old and his 3-year-old in the bathroom together and eavesdropped on their conversation: Little brother: What do I do now? Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet. Little brother: Like this? Big brother: Yeah. Little brother: Now what? Big brother: Hit "ENTER". Little brother: "ENTER"? Big brother: I mean "flush".
Losers with a computer
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the
mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his
typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to
the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with
Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the
drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his
room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and
pressing the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech
suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.
He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the
keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his
computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained
that the coputer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't
be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had
recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her
old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech
explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4's to her 3
1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same
customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a
few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn't know how to copy and
had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the 3 1/2's and put them in the drive!