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Computer
Diary of an AOL user
july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which I've heard is the best
online service I can get. i can't connect, i dont know what is wrong.
july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. i
dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. how dumb does he think i am?
july 20- i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it wouldnt fit
in the moniter or the printer. im confused.
july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year old next door
did it for me.
july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america online for
me. hes so smart.
july 23- whats the internet? i thought i was on america online, not this
internet thingy. im confused.
july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this america
online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.
july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but nothing
happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.
july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because im connected
to america online, not usenet. i went to the doctor today for my regular
checkup. he says that since i connected to america online, my brain has
mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital letters. how do
they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. maybe they have a
different type of keyboard.
july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that it can
answer any questions i ask it. i asked it 44 seperate questions about the
internet. i hope it responds soon.
july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this joke about why
the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other side! ha ha! i wasn't sure if
i posted it right so i posted it 56 more times.
july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know spiders grew that
large.
july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was rude. i was so
angry that i posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. i wasn't
sure if it posted right so i posted it 22 more times.
august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn't have to use
profanity.
august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so exited, im going
to make lots of money. i followed his instructions and posted it to every
newsgroup i could find.
august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so i will have
to work on it some more.
august 4- i just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. i read a few posts and
i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. i wonder
what an "aol" is, however.
august 5- i was asking where to find some information about something. some guy
told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. ive looked and looked, but i cant find that
group.
august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. i told him
i don't have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.
One woman's answer to "Girl Friend 1.0"
Last year a friend of mine installed BoyFriend 6.0. While this program did not
come with an uninstaller it seemed to have a time-out feature and would
eventually totally disappear. If she wished to continue running BoyFriend 6.0
she had to reinstall it. She upgraded to Husband 1.0 which retains all of the
features of BoyFriend 6.0 and doesn't seem to uninstall itself as frequently. No
other advantages to upgrading are apparent.
She has been experimenting with the various add-on modules available for Husband
1.0 . Most recently she has installed MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0 which she
downloaded from the Internet at a freeware site. As frequently happens with
freeware the add-ons would start running but then required at least six
additional plug-in modules loaded of Miller 1.1 through Miller 1.6.
Substitutions of the Miller 1.x series of plug-ins can be made
interchangeably with Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x. No significant
difference in run time has been noted. Extending the series of Miller 1.x much
beyond 1.6, while possible, seemed to affect the accuracy
of MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0 and becomes counterproductive. Eventually they
cause Husband 1.0 to crash requiring a system shut down. Once crashed even
re-booting usually will not restart Husband 1.0 until the next day.
The Husband 1.0 will not run at all on Sundays with out the liberal seasonable
use of Football 3.0, Basketball 2.0, Baseball 1.5, or Hockey 2.5. Once one of
these are running Husband 1.0 keeps requesting additional
installations of Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x plus assorted
plug-ins of FOOD 3.x. This seems to occupy the Husband 1.0 exclusively and no
additional features can be accessed or run.
She occasionally runs Husband 1.0 with the Theater 4.0 module and, while it does
run, Husband 1.0 will complain of run-time, lack of resources, and will run
sluggishly. If it seems to stop (energy save mode) it can be
restarted with a "warm boot". The "warm boot" can cause
momentary confusion and cause Husband 1.0 to then request the score. Comment:
None of these problems are apparent if she uses action plug-ins such as
UnderSiege 2.0 or
DieHard 3.0. She gets similar performance from running BoyFriend 6.0 with
Shopping 3.5 unless she uses the plug-ins for Sears 2.4 and HomeDepot 1.7.
Many times she reevaluates the need for Husband 1.0 or even BoyFriend 6.0.
She considers the running difficulties, occasional unreliability, complaints of
low system resources; and constant demands for care/attention. She wonders why
she doesn't just let it stay uninstalled and maybe she would if it wasn't for
the way BoyFriend 6.0 or Husband 1.0 ran with Love 1.0.
Signs that you are "Webbed Out"
Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
You see a beautiful sunset and you expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape
1.1" on the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter
a Web page with no links.
You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding
day.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle,
sending your car careening toward a flimsy guard rail that separates you from
the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death.
You frantically search for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button that doesn't do Anything" again and
again and again.
Your dog has his own Web page. So does your goldfish.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the
underlined passages.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled
the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I Net dot com"
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks
like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your
mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your
computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another
computer, and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200
hours per month "unlimited."