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Computer
$0.00 Debt?
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a
bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it
and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating
they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of
post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told
him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about
time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were
purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his
purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card
company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they
would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the
latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company
would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his
account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and
mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and
returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company
nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a
check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00
check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now
process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for
$0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company
claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless
he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the
debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday,
bought her a typewriter instead.
The pilot
A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important
execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is
10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an
hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."
The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"
Computer Terms
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy
a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a
Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced
"gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on
vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.