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I tried the serenity; I tried tough love from my family. My family loved me so much that they never gave up on me. When I would screw up and get "tired" they would give me a place to stay and feed me. But this I promise they were never enablers so to speak, they worried. I would go for months and not contact them. Most of the time they didn't know if I were alive or dead. I have heard that my sister would cry for me, because she didn't know what was going on with me. When I did talk to somebody it was usually her. I never had to hide anything from her. When someone would ask me what are you doing I would tell them. "I'm getting high". When I said that I lied earlier, I need to re-iterate my self, I would lie for other people to get what I wanted, but I never told anyone that I wasn't getting high when I was. I was bold about it, not proud. I think it was my way of asking for help. I did ask for help so many times. But I always got the same thing. "You won't stop doing drugs until you are ready, or until you get tired of being tired. Hell didn't these people know I was ready I was tired of being Damn well tired. Or I would hear only you can do it, but nobody could tell me how. Nobody could tell me why. All I would hear is "only you know". Those my friends are just some of the cause and effects while actually using drugs. I must repeat the words "JUST SOME". Now I have not even been around Crack Cocaine since October of 2002, here it is June 2003. I have had to not only stop using but remove myself hundreds of miles away. Only to find it again, I have told many people that I have been clean since March 2002 because I moved to Nashville, Tennessee, but let's get honest. I found it there and I smoked it there. So once again I removed myself from it and moved in with my parents back in Indiana. This has been such a wonderful thing for me. I have all four of my children back I can say that I have not used since October now because it is so true. But am I still clean? I have to say only physically.... I love being with my children again; I have some order in my life. But these emotions and feelings get the best of me. I still suffer from the loss of everything. I wake up at night having nightmares of things I have done. But that is only the nights I can sleep. Now I feel broken and beat. I still think about using almost everyday. In my personal feelings about this matter I feel like you are not completely clean and sober until the need to use goes away. Some call it cravings I call it need and wants. You need money, clothes, food, and a roof over your head and love. I needed all those things plus Crack Cocaine. I have had so many people tell me that I won't get over all this until I forgive my self, once I do that then everything will fall into place. How can I ever forgive myself for giving my children away, or losing my material memories? I wake up thinking about this and I go to bed thinking about this. I can't understand to this day why I have done the things that I have. How someone can chose Crack over their own children? How do I get back all I have lost? My morals, self esteem self worth. How do I get all that back when I know in my heart that I am the one that chose to use drugs and give my children away, nobody but me? How can I break free of the bonds of worthlessness and gain control? I know my children have an unconditional love for me. After all I have done to them; they still love me with all their heart and soul. They have forgiven me, my folks have forgiven me. My entire family has forgiven me. Why can't I forgive myself? Things seem to get easier everyday; one thing I do agree with is that you have to take it one day at a time. Although, in my case it is one minute at a time. I may not be thinking about getting high at 2:00 but you can believe I am thinking about it at 2:01. I have heard and actual craving only last approximately five seconds. That is funny this is the longest five seconds of my life. When I first moved back in with my parents I �craved" almost constantly, now I only get that feeling about twice a week. So I guess things do tend to get better as far as the actual drug goes. But what about all the after effects. When does the feelings of worthlessness and pain of hurting others go away? That is where I lie now. That is why I talk about Cause and Effect. I still think about all the hurt I have caused to others. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I get angry for no reason. I yell and scream. I was never like that before. I was a mild person, always had nice things to say, hell I would literally give you my shirt off my back. I have done it. I would give my last nickel, just because someone asked for it. When I started smoking Crack I became greedy and self absorbed thinking only of myself. But yet some of that old me stayed with me, because there were many times I have even given someone my very last hit of dope and I wouldn't even have the money to buy more. Of course, after words I regretted it. Now I just wish I would have given it all away, better yet I wished I would have thrown it away. When it is said that Crack is devil's candy, I don't think that who ever said that really understood what they were actually saying because it might be brought on by the devil himself but it sure as hell isn't candy. It takes your life, your soul, your hopes and dreams. When I smoked dope and was going in a out of rehab, I never had a problem with admitting I was an addict, that first step was never hard for me. The hardest step is making amends, I still can't conquer that one and I'm not sure if I ever will or even if I want to. I have gotten the forgiveness from all those that I hurt, but I can not even ask the one person that I let down the most. How do you ask you self for that? I wish somebody would tell me how to go on with life in a positional normal manner after all that I have done. When I dream at night of seeing in my children's eyes the hurt and anguish, listening to them cry for me, and me walk away. When I walk out the door even now they are so afraid that I won't come back, so they cry and beg me not to go? How do I forgive myself for putting that fear into my babies? Or even if I am not here when they come home from church or school, they still don't think I will come back. When do their tears stop? I live day to day now on the hope that I don't use tomorrow. I am starting to dream of a future with my family again. I pray that I can accomplish those dreams one day. I pray that when I do leave and then return home that my children are running into my arms because they missed me not because they were afraid that I wouldn�t come back. I love hearing my name coming from their lips. MOMMY, MOMMY. That is the most joyous words I could ever hear. When they beat me up, that is so much fun, when they try to get me down and tickle me. But sometimes when we play my mind starts to race, my thoughts turn back to all I have done once again and the fun stops and the anger kick in. I get up and walk away from their laughter. When can we enjoy the present without the past coming back to haunt us? I don't know how I have made it thus far without drugs in my life. I had to reach so far down into myself. So far to a place I never even knew existed. I thank God for all I have now, but to me it still isn't enough. I think I still need to find that part of my life that I lost while using and I know that, that will take a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of true grit. Maybe one day I will find my lost soul and begin to forgive myself. Until then I will accept what I have found and look for what I have lost. I still have my triggers; my oldest daughter went back to her father's last night. I did everything I could; she cried and begged me not to make her go. The police were called, her father had them come, even then she was refusing to go I had to have one of the officers to come inside and talk to her it is so hard for a child to understand that sometimes they have to do things that they do not want to do. I am going through a custody battle with her now. Her father I think is a pretty understanding person; he does know that she wants to be with me. But when she had to be made to go I felt like I was letting her down, I know I was letting her down. None of this would be happening if I would have never gotten Addicted. She would have never been out of my sight in the first place. I have put my children through so much, I have had her back with me for a year and things were going well with us. Now power comes into things. Why do my children have to continue to suffer because of what I have done? This will be a lifetime battle. But I am still clean today. I continue to pray that I will remain clean; I had my first real test this past weekend. I had to go into Indianapolis to take care of some things and I stayed with my sister, I had never been to her house before so I wasn't sure what I was getting into. It turns out that she lives in one of the neighborhoods I used to hang out in and get high, I was worried but I passed my test with flying colors. I didn't even have a craving, I have to go back next week for my sister's wedding I am so proud of her, she is so happy. |