page4

I put in forty hours a week at one job and then work on weekends at another. Sometimes I get so frustrated I can't stand it, but then I think hell it wasn't all that long ago that I wasn�t working at all and hating every slow boring second of it. But I only work my second job so I am able to give my daughter an allowance each week. She has had a pretty rough couple of weeks. She broke down and felt like she wanted to die. I didn't know what else I could do for her I took her to a stress center because she asked me to help her because she didn't want to feel like she was feeling any more. I have tried for along time to figure out what I could do to help her through her teen age years. But her problems have nothing to do with being a teenager. She has some serious issues she is trying to deal with, now I have turned her over to God and he has helped her more than I ever could. I thought that all of her problems stemmed from what I've done, and that may be some part of it but when I talk to her counselor it turned out that it really had nothing at all to do with me, it has a lot to do with other people in her life. Any way she is so much better now and she is coming back home. Damn I miss her so much, one more day. I LOVE YOU RACHEL.
With my girl back home now, things seem to go up and down. She and I both still have major issues, but as they say issues can be dealt with I guess. I guess most of my problem now is that I don't know anything about being or raising a teenager. Things get crazy in our lives I guess but we do get thru them and learn to deal with them and sometimes we learn to deal with them pretty well.
I have gotten another job promotion, I am now an advertising coordinator with the paper, and I absolutely love my job. I never thought I could like a job so well, but I was used to bars and gas stations, so this kind of position is really mellow and laid back, WHATEVER! I tend to get so busy, there is always something new to do. Here it is April 30, 2004. My thoughts of using still come and go. They do go a lot quicker then they come now days though.
I feel so lonely, I still have yet to date or just go out to be with me, and I thought about it tonight, I'm sure I could find something fun to do by myself.
I finally made a decision to actually go out last night with some friends from work; I think it was a good decision.
The ups and downs of everyday life really suck, but I manage to get through them pretty well. Most times if I wake up in a foul ass mood, I end my day in a fairly good one. But if I wake up in a kick ass good mood my day ends up sucking pretty well. Like today for instant, man was it a good one, I woke up good, I had a awesome day at work, I came home in a good mood, but so far, this evening is just miserable. Oh shit, forget I said that.
Everyday gets better for me; I find new and exciting things going on in my life everyday. Although I still have many ups and downs, there are more ups that is for sure. I absolutely love my job; I am starting to really enjoy life again. I now know that I am part of something spectacular in this God forsaken world.
I now have a new man in my life, and he is just awesome, He actually cleans and cooks and helps me out. Like I said things get better everyday.
Here lately I have thought about using again, actually quite a bit. I'm fighting it though. Some days the fight is tough, but I do have one thing going for me and that is you can't find coke around here. I'm getting past that now.
I will be celebrating my 37th birthday on the 21st of June, which is 3 days away, I have never done anything on my birthday, and I won't this year either.
Back to the man, He helps me get through my days, I don't near as lonely as before, But I had my space for several years, My only obstacle is that he has been married for so long I don't think he is really ready to settle down much. He just got his last divorce, and then not long after that we started seeing each other, so I guess we are totally opposite, where he is ready to have freedom, I'm ready to chill and relax in a relationship. Where do we go from here? Only time will tell, I guess.
Maybe that's the reason I feel like I want to use again, just to get away. The stress is awful. I know I'm supposed to just let it go, but I can't. Sometimes I think I'm going to have a breakdown. Soon I probably will.
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday; if you could call it celebrate. I worked 9 1/2 hours. Came home to a wonderful dinner and then created an attitude with my daughter. I had a bad night. My daughter is really into boys and I'm scared she is only 13 and getting out of control. I get no help from her father at all. He doesn't even act like he wants her around. She went to stay with him and they sent her back in a week, because he and his wife got into it and he left and just left Rachel there. So I had to pay someone to go to pick her up, my father went to get her and I hadn't heard anything from them until last night when I sent them an offline message telling them I need to talk to them. It doesn't matter what I say to Rachel's dad he thinks it's all about him, damn he pisses me off.
Well it's a new day, and a new weekend. Let's just see how this weekend goes. Hopefully good. I'll let you know.
My Aunt died this morning, I have been a wreck all day, I went to work like usual, but it was hard. I want to go to her funeral but I am afraid to. She is all of that side of the family that I have left. I mean I have all five of her children but they are apart of both sides of the family. Her brother Bill is the only survivor left, but I don't know him at all. Every one on that side of the family has died before they were 60.
Life has not been going to good since the last time I wrote here. The guy I was seeing put me into a major financial bind, I got fired from my job for absolutely no reason, just because my boss (yes the same one that showed me that I could make my life better) got mad, we have an at will hire and fire in the State of Indiana. Then I moved to a new home and even though I cleaned the old one the landlord there called me cussing me out saying that he was suing me because of the burn marks on the carpet and the basement flooding hence ruining the furnace. He didn't even buy the carpet the lady that lived there before me did and he didn't he repay her for it. The furnace was ruined because the basement flooded and the sump pump was unplugged, but the sump pump was unplugged because it didn't work and I told him those two months previous when they had to come and fix the sewer system. But it was still my fault I guess, I will explain it all to a judge when the time comes.
I wish you all knew how bad I want to get high; sometimes I think I was better off. I didn't have to worry about bills because I was too messed up to. I lived on the streets so the only bill I had was to the dope man and believe me I made sure that bill was paid in full at all times. But then I would loose what little I do have. Sometimes I wonder when everything will stop, and let me be internally happy.
Things have been pretty different since the last time I was here.
This is October 2004 I now have two years clean. This has been a very difficult two years believe that. But, a lot of good things are going on with me again. I just started back to school, I'm going into my third week and it is going so well. I guess my favorite class is Business Law. I am learning so much. I am still out of work and it is awful though. I miss working, I loved my job, I loved what I did at work, and I miss it so much.
Sometimes I wonder how people can be so evil, This woman took my lively hood away but I pretended I was a coffee bean. When you put a coffee bean into a pan of boiling water it not only changes the color but it changes the taste as well. So when something bad happens to me I change it for the better just like the coffee bean changed the plain water into something good I am changing my life into something good.
It is taking a lot of hard work and concentration, sometimes I don't think I have what it takes, but for the most part I know I do and I can do this. My taste for the drugs is no where near gone, I still crave badly. Sometimes daily. Now I am wondering if has to do with depression because when I am at home that is all I think about again. I can't seem to get off my lazy butt to even clean my house.

Rachel was doing well in school for a while but her attitude is coming back I wonder what I am going to do about it this time. It is all because her dad is lying to her again. BASTARD. Why does he do this to her. Then she gets upset and takes it out on me. What can I do?
I figured it out. I am Home Schooling her for now. I hope it works out at least for awhile. Rachel's friend moved out yesterday. I feel relief. I do love the girl she is a great kid, but me and my daughter need our time back.

I have gotten a lot of feedback on my website; a lot of people have signed my guest book. I have to say that I am really amazed. When I first started this I never thought it would be anything except a way for me to release. It has become so much more than that and I have you people to thank for that. I had put on one of my pages that I didn't want to stop at one person, thank GOD I haven't. I think I have come to find that the most important part of drug addiction is the people around the addict and I need to help them to understand from an addict�s point of view. I have a lot of feed back from those people letting me know that I have helped them to understand more than they did before. What I write here is my life and how it was for me not only then but since then. If you have kept up with me then you are doing better than I am, because sometimes I can't keep up myself. I sometimes find it so hard to stay where I am. What I mean by that is I still have to do whatever it takes to keep me here and not back on the streets. I have implemented into my life the same basic characteristics I had while in full active use. Only I have turned those characteristics around to function for me now. For example, while an active user I would do what it took to get drugs, now I do what it takes not to get them. Before I would lie, cheat and steal, now I write, converse and try to over achieve. NO not the same thing but I would put everything I have into the lying, cheating and stealing now I put everything I have into the writing, conversing and achieving.
I went back to school, one of my favorite subjects is Business Law, I figured that since I had enough experience in criminal law so to speak I might as well learn all aspects from the inside point of view. That is how I learned what little I know about the Criminal Law system.

I have met many great people by having this web site. I surf the net often, I find helpful articles on what I need and find a lot of stuff I don't need, but I find ways to use things that I run across by accident. I have come to love questions, I have met someone that has many of those for me and wants me to ask many questions also. I have learned that by being honest and answering these questions that I have found a special friend that will most likely last a life time even if we never meet. I have come to find out what a true hero is. I want to tell you what I have found. Let me tell you about my heroes

I sit at home for the most part, but by going to school I'm trying to better my life, not just for me but for my children. See I done my children so very wrong. I gave up on them. They didn't deserve what I did to them, no child does. But no matter what I've done they never gave up on me. No matter how long I was away from them, they still had open arms for me. They still told me how much they loved me, and they knew that mommy would get right one day and come back to them. Those are my heroes.
I put my story on the internet. I have guest that have signed my guest book from as far away as Ecuador and Canada. I have had families sign my guest book and tell me thank you for helping them to better understand the mind of their active addict, Although I can only let them understand my mind because each addict are individuals of their own making but all of the basics are almost the same, Do what we can to get our dope. Those are my heroes for just trying to understand.
All of the people that come from backgrounds that are said to be hopeless, and these people make it in the real world regardless if they are rich or successful in business or high power, they are still successful in life because even if they still live in the world from which they came from they are still here and doing well mentally, physically, emotionally and they try harder than any other human being could possibly try. They are my heroes.
Sometime I think I have to much time on my hands and I sit and put serious thought into different things and come up with my own meaning and understandings.
I sit alone at home and surf the internet and I find a special site and I decide that I am tired of sitting at home being lonely all alone, maybe I can meet some one else that is lonely and wants company so then I don't have to be lonely by myself. I didn't want to be lonely with just any one I wanted to be lonely with a hero. I left a message on this message board that I wanted to be a pen pal to a soldier. I usually never check my Junk mail but for some reason I did one day and there was a short note from a soldier letting me know that he wanted to talk also. He is My hero.
I want to thank all of those heroes that have become an important part of my life. I want to thank the teachers from my school for all the support they give me you are also my heroes.
I want to thank Ray for being my Hero and for keeping me company and being alone with me; I'm not as lonely as I was before. I have found out that not every one holds your past against you and that actually most people are more understanding than they are given credit for. I know that when I cry because I want to get high I can come here and not have to cry alone. As soon as the tears start to fall I think of my heroes and let my tears flow because I have the world in my corner. It doesn't mean that my tears turn from sadness to happiness because they don't, but I know that these people do make me feel better just by crossing my mind. And I know that one day I will make such an impression on someone that my voice will be heard even if what I have to say comes thru the mouth of others. I do want to change the world one way or the other and it's these heroes that will lend their hands to help me in that endeavor. Tonight I cry alone. Tonight I want to get high, tonight I need. Just Tonight
So if anyone out there wants to cry with me go ahead hit me on the net my address is here. I have several email addresses and if you want me to get messenger so you can talk that way let me know I read my guest book often.
Hoping that tomorrow is a better day. And I find a new peace deep in my soul to help me to get thru this. Please don't give up on me. Maybe tomorrow the guilt will finally go away and I won't continue to feel the loss I have laid upon my family. God Bless. I am Clean today.

U S A

Home