 |
 |
| My life is far from complete, but as you can tell I am so much happier than I ever have been before, and grow happier every day. I thank the people I have met and my family for the way I am now... Now I'm again being re-created and re-made into someone that society can be proud of. At least that is the way I hope things are now. I do tend to have dark circles under my eyes as a permenate reminder for my past. I know that I will always have those little reminders here and there and that is ok with me. I also know now that it is time to move on and try to forget all the bad things I have done and focus on all the good I will do. God Bless and have a wonderful life and please don't give up on those you care so much about. |
| Sometimes, when I sit alone I have too much time on my hands and I tend to think too much about things. Like how my life is going. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world and that is supposed to be I guess. I have this saying that God created me...Woman had me....but I am totally man made. Some people say that I shouldn't feel that way but why I shouldn�t. All of my life men have totally run my life in so many ways. As I was growing up my step-father abused me and the way he treated me was reprehensible. But I never really realized that until a few years ago, when I was in counseling. Everyone tried to blame the things that happened to me as I was growing up as the reason of my drug use...they tried to say that if those things hadn't happened then I would have never turned to drugs. I don't believe that for a second...nothing can make a person do the things I did except me. Yes I had serious problems while growing up but that is no excuse for what I do as an adult and can make my own decisions. My very first serious relationship was a game that was played between me and him. He would screw around on me and I would in turn do it to him just to pay him back. It wasn't anything for him to leave for days at a time and come back as if nothing ever happened. I would buy him something and he would give it to another girl just to show me that he could do whatever he wanted, but I thought I was in love...right...but I had a beautiful daughter out of that relationship ( if that is what it was called). It wasn't anything for us to fight on a regular basis. After my daughter was born, my aunt and sister would come to get my daughter because they would hear me and him fight. He would lock me in closets, but I would surly give back what I got with him. His big thing was grabbing me around the throat and holding me against the wall mostly to keep me from hitting him when he would get in my face and start yelling and screaming or throwing back his fist like he was going to hit me so for the most part I felt like I was protecting myself.
My first husband was a few years younger than I was. I was a dancer at the time and the trust was not there on his part, plus he was a mamas boy...but that was ok with me...I was very faithful to him and gave him anything I could. We were together for a year before we got married but once we got married we realized that is was not what we really wanted so I left after four months so we could each get our lives together and be happy. He was a good person. We had our problems. He liked to cheat. I remember coming home after work one night and he was so upset for something, I can't remember now. But we started arguing and he pushed me down the stairs. That was it for me; nothing was the same after that. Our relationship started going downhill fast. Then came husband number two...What was I thinking...When I first met him...he showered me with love, affection, kindness, everything a woman could ask for. I was totally engrossed with him. He became my world. We moved in together and things started happening. He would start talking down to me, like I was a nobody, so it became fact that I was a nobody because he said so. I never realized what was going on. I was so nieve in that entire relationship that I allowed him to do things and say things that no other human being deserves. But I did deserve to be treated like that, because I allowed it. But my children didn't. I had two more beautiful children out of that marriage. So all the suffering was well worth it. My two oldest children (especially my son) got the worst of the situation. Charlie hated women he had this thing against them I guess. No amount of counseling would or could ever help him. I lived my life for him. The last time he hit me was the end for me, and it took him almost killing me to get to that point. I was working two jobs then (both full time) I came home from my second one and started up on the front porch and he came out. The picture of him and the way he looked will forever be embedded in my mind; I still have dreams about it. He walked out of the front door, it was 2 am he had on a baseball cap, sweat pants, long black leather trench coat and his combat boots unlaced, with an ax in his hand. In his eyes all I remember seeing was hatred. He grabbed me by my shirt and ripped it off. I lived in a trailer park at the time, so I started screaming, but nobody would help, lights went on but no help. He picked me up and threw me against my car and started hitting me with his fist, he then threw me on the ground and started kicking me so hard, I wished I were dead and it would stop. I tried to get up but he hit me in the mouth with the handle of the axe as hard as he could as he kept kicking me. I begged him to stop I was screaming for help, I couldn't understand why nobody would help me. This man was killing me and all I could do was let him. I managed to get up, I guess it was fear, and I ran to a neighbor and pounded on the door. They called the police finally, when the police arrived they surrounded the house I was so badly beat that time I should have been dead today. They finally got him and he had hidden the ax while I was next door and told the police that I was imagining things and that this must have happened to me while I was on a corner prostituting, because I was a whore. They found the ax he went to jail. The police tried to get me to go to the hospital but I refuse at that time because my four babies were in the house sleeping. Less than an hour later when my family arrived I was lying in my bed I couldn't move I was bleeding my face was swollen my teeth were gone. I was dying and didn't realize how bad it was. I was then rushed to the hospital. He had ripped my spleen in seven different places. I was slowly bleeding to death. By the time I got to the hospital I was near death. After It was found that my spleen was lacerated they fixed it, I was in Neo Critical Care for a week, was released and ended back in the hospital the next day because my spleen ripped open again. Again I was in Neo for another week. To this day I hurt and can't breathe because of the pain. I have come along way since then. I am now finishing my first quarter in college. Because of all the set backs that have taken place in my life, I am very amazed that I am even alive to be at this point in my life. God has given me back courage and hope; I have not given up on love and dreams, if nothing else my emotions and feelings have escalated. I know that my chosen career will be a focal point just as school is now. I know that I will be successful and achieve my greatest goals I have set for myself. I will be graduating from school in another year, from there I plan to achieve my bachelors in Business and have my own business soon after. I now have the courage to go on with my life and lead it the way I was meant to. This is me today 12/09/2004 |