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| I wonder often where I am going to go in life. Sometimes the way it looks that is going to be now here (nowhere). I do get a half a step closer everyday so to speak. I won my custody battle with my oldest child and I live with my other three children now, I know that is what my goal was, to be with all my children again and to have them back together again. They seem so much happier than ever, but it still isn't enough yet. I am a better person than I have ever been because I am dealing with day to day life with out drugs now, I still get seriously depressed a lot, I used to be on different kinds of anti depressants but with out a job or insurance that is out of the question for now.
The weird thing is that now I have a standing in my community when even before I started using drugs I always felt like a no body, sure I was a mother but as far as serving my community or even being a part of my community that wasn't an option, at least that is what I thought. Today after so far overcoming yet another addiction (the worst by far) I have so much support from my family and neighbors, I feel like I am a human being that God actually put on this earth on purpose, I don't feel like I was a mistake. I know I could do so much more than just sit at this computer and tell you all what it was like living as an addict, There are no jobs here and I have no means of getting one. I sit with the kids all day and I don't date. This is me I am a stay at home mom that knows she can do much more with her life. Before my addiction this time I worked full time two jobs and totally supported my family and never complained. At one point in my life I even went back to school and was studying to be an Accountant. That was before the Addiction and an abusive husband. But I do know that things will change for the better. I had an article done on me in our local news paper and the lady that wrote it, Lana Robertson, did an awesome job. I keep in contact with her often, She got me a job at the paper today, I put inserts in the paper, it doesn't pay very well but the thought of just working and getting back into the swing of life feels so good I would almost do it for free, if I didn't have a child to support that is. I will be looking for my own home soon, My mom and dad and the three youngest children are moving about two hours away and I don't feel like it would be a good move for me and Rachel, I feel like I am home here, for the first time in my life I am finally home, I just hope now that that isn't going to be taken from me. I still think of drugs and what it would feel like to get high "just one time" It's been almost a year now and I can not believe that I still think about using. Usually I will be sitting and watching television and the urge strikes me and I say to myself �Self wouldn't you like to get high today?" Of course I will answer and call me stupid for thinking that way I am clean today. Who says that addiction does not make you a better person, Sure as hell not me? Now I think that because of my addiction I have become a better person than I ever have been. I have a new outlook on life. I don't take things for granted like I did before. I look at life as and experience worth having. I have gained knowledge and understanding. What I mean by addiction making you a better person is, that once you are clean and you start doing positive things in your life, you can look back on the addiction like it was yesterday, because it was. Now there are still some people in my life that will throw back in my face the things that I have done. But when it is a member of the family that does it, it makes me vulnerable and weak. But I won't let it get to me. I try to overlook the name calling and put downs, because that is just words. I did a lot of terrible things while I was addicted. But now I am trying my best to get past those things that I have done. Some of the things I done while in active use I did what was best, like letting my mother adopt my three babies. At the time that was the best thing that I could have done for my babies, otherwise I could have lost them for good they could have been separated and/or adopted out to someone I didn't know, then I would have lost them for good and they would have lost each other. But now they are still together and so very happy. I think they are happier now than they have ever been in their lives. I am also writing about the abuse to me and my children, and how things got started there and how they stand now. So stay tuned for that. I have had a lot of people sign my guest book and those people amaze me... I have come to think of the people I have met on the internet to be close friends. Even though I don't know them face to face, they don't try to judge me. They see me for who I am; Because that is the only way they can see me. I finally got a house and will be going back out on my own this weekend, God it feels so good to be to this point again, I will be starting out with absolutely nothing but that is ok. I have no furniture or literally nothing, but I have slept on the streets while in active use so what's the big deal about the floor, I know that I can accomplish anything and if it takes me a year to get the things I need then so be it. I also know that God is watching out for me. Along with my family. It feels so good to be back. I am clean today. Things really do change for the better when you are clean; I am so excited to tell you the latest, So here it goes. I started looking for a home, (I mean really looking) Monday, I found one I fell in love with on Tuesday, I paid my deposit on a Wednesday, I was then informed that I had to have the utilities turned on by Friday or my deposit would be returned and the house would go to someone else. My utility deposit was well over $300.00 so I was kind of freaking out. I started contacting churches and organizations on Wednesday afternoon, and by the grace of God and all the help of these organizations and a friend I had my utility deposit paid by Friday and I moved into my house Friday night, So when someone tries to tell me again that there is no God or good people in the world anymore, I will most defiantly correct them, Oh my I have never been so happy. And not only did I have my house I fell madly in love with, but with the help of so many people I have it totally furnished. So now when I say that GOD is a GOOD GOD, I truly mean that. I have never been so excited about living, I want to live forever, and I want to live in this community that I am in. I know now for a fact that I have made the right decision to stay here. It amazes me what a difference one year will make. Come October 6, 2003 I will have been totally clean for one year. This has been the best year of my entire life. I think, NO I KNOW that I now have true friends, I never really knew what it was like before but it feels good to know that people really do care and do not hold against you, your past. Thank you Jesus. Soon you will be reading my daughters story and what she went through while I was an active addict I am also working on my story of abuse, so please feel free to read on as soon as I get it up and running. I am clean today. It has been a while since I have written here, so I am just going to give an update on me and what is going on in my life at this point. It seems strange to me after being clean now over a year I have started having dreams about using. In my dreams I can feel, smell and hear the pipe and its smoke. My God what is wrong here? I came into my house the other day from work and I had just barely gotten in the door open and I smelled Crack so strong. People can say it is just an urge or whatever but I smelled it. Crack has a unique smell about it, I have heard some people say that it doesn't smell but it does. Am I going crazy or am I not out of the woods. It seems that everything has started again at my one year anniversary in October. The crying the urges the same old feelings. I just don't know. But I am clean today. Well here I am again into 1 year and 2 months and I am still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my life in general I have been out job hunting several times to look for another part time job and come up with nothing. Oh well I'll just keep going. I have been thinking about drugs again but not using yes I still get the craving of course but I'm looking into hopefully in town support groups I know I need one and all I have found here in this small area are Alcohol groups I know that some people believe that all addictions are the same but they aren't. I can't say that I know much about alcohol addiction and where I now live there is a lot of Meth for which I know nothing about and honestly I don't care to I can honestly say that I have the opportunity to not pick up for the first time this time and that is my choice. I don't care what kind of addiction a person has but it seems that when you get clean you open your eyes and see people in a different way. Even other addicts recovering or not. I know that people still look down on me and I'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt because it does, and I'm not going to say that I don't care because I do. Every body does regardless if they admit it or not. I have tried so many rehab programs and they just didn't work for me. I got clean totally on-my-own and I feel like I'm a miracle (???) I am still trying to figure out why I still get these cravings and I want other people to talk to and where I live there is nobody, Yes there are other addicts but they are most likely addicted to Meth and I know nothing about that so I can't actually comprehend them. Maybe I can the addiction but not the drugs Just like they may be able top comprehend my addiction but not my choice of drugs. Is there somebody out there in my home town that would deeply truly understand? Maybe with a support program of some kind I will find them. I truly hope not but yet I know they are there. I still wake up with nightmares about my children. Last night I dreamed that I left them and this time I left for good I could see them in my dreams crying and me not doing anything about it. I still have this guilt and it seems to grow stronger every day. The thing is I have been away from them for so long now I have hard time dealing when I have all four of them together; I only let them stay with me one at a time. When they come to my house I sit and think about them and why did I leave them and I know if I would have never left them I wouldn't be feeling this way now. And the love they have for me is so amazing they are a gift straight from the heavens of God himself. Kids have such and overpowering unconditional love it just sets me back. Why did I give that up? I am so afraid of hurting them more than I already have I walk through my life on pins and needles all the time, I avoid places that just might have somebody I know that I used with or supplied me I am so freaking weak I have come such along way but sometimes I feel like it will never be long enough. I am so sick of these emotional rollercoaster�s I have but I do thank God that I live so far away from "My Hood" My oldest daughter lives with me and that poor girls gets the ass end of my anger I feel like I am tormenting her for no purpose. I am not the mother I know I could be I feel like I am still destroying lives around me I still have so much anger in me so much hurt not hurt for myself but the hurt I have instilled in others. Why can't I get past this, damn it�s been over a year. But I am still clean today. Gosh, It been over a month since I've been here and yes I still have these damn urges. Sometimes they are so strong I can't stand it. But my support group is so unlimited around me. It feels so good to know that I have these kinds of friends. I have come to realize that no matter how long you have been clean from crack cocaine that it is never long enough. I know that I am weak and that if confronted by it that I would give in. I have accepted that. I have also accepted the fact that I will always be weak for it. And that will never change for me. I don't particularly follow a 12 step program, but I have come to admit and accept defeat. I have started a second job last week, I have to keep busy. My daughter has got me sort of stressed because of the house work but she is a typical 13 year old girl. Lazy. I will learn to deal with that as it comes. So far my life has been so great. Maybe not financially but in all other aspects I have a fantastic life. I feel weak and lazy lately I don't know if it's the depression or the Hepitis C or because I'm so tired all the time. It seems like all I do is work. And argue with my daughter all the time, I don't know what is worse working all the time or arguing with her all the time. I am still fighting these urges and when I get so angry all I want to do is fun some dope and get high, so then again I'm fighting, Only when I fight that battle I'm fighting for my life. Some things will never change I guess. I'll deal with it today for this minute anyway just like I will deal with the next day and time when it happens. For today though I'm still clean. Things are going so good I haven't had any cravings for some time now. My life just keeps getting better and better. The only thing that I can figure is that God has good intentions for me now. I truly believe that I went thru all the things I did so I could gain knowledge. And let me tell you that I have. I have a wonderful job and look forward to the future for the first time in my entire life I have another out look on life. Being at the newspaper has had such a great impact on my life that it still seems like a dream to me. I have moved from the back of the warehouse to the front desk now and I thought that the only reason that I wanted the job was for the benefits but not true any more I truly love this job. And now another special person has entered my life and part of a new support group. Her name is Kathleen and she gave me a chance, I didn't think she would but she did and I hope not to disappoint her I want her to know that I give all I can plus two for what I do. I mean when I was an active addict I put everything into getting high all the time. Now I put everything into my job. I still have a lot to learn and I hope that everyone will be patient with me because I have a lot of questions I need answered and I am the type of person to ask until I know what I am doing and know it well. When I first started at the newspaper sure I was drug free in body but not in spirit. I have been there since August and now I believe the true recovery starts. The cravings are farther and farther apart now but I still know that I am weak and could never be around crack cocaine. I would never jeopardize what I have now. My relationships are forgiving I have friends now that I can say are true friends from the heart. I came across my best friend in the world and she has been clean and sober for two years now thank god. When I look back on all I have done I still have a hard time dealing with it. I still have a very difficult time looking my children in the eye , I still have a hard time accepting what I have done, I don't think I want to accept it because once I do then who is to say that I wouldn't go out and screw everything up again. I allow myself to feel this guilt because every time I think about my drug days I get more determined to not go thru it again. I am more apt not to do those awful things. Once the guilt is gone what would I have to keep me clean? For now all I have to say is God Bless my community and the people that surround me. And if anybody is wondering Yes There Is A God. I think that once I forgave myself that all my hard work and determination will fly right out the window. I don't want this guilt to override my life and I won't let that happen but I will remember all I have done to others especially my four beautiful babies. I have been so blessed this past year of my life. I have never thought it possible to have the kind of people around me that I do now. I have people that actually have a heart and believe me that do make a difference in my life. I still go through so many emotional with draws I guess is the word for it. But I look at it as though I am supposed to. I keep me at an even keel. I know that when I feel down and depressed that I can now call one of many people just to talk. I still get overwhelming feelings that I want to get high, but those feelings pass so much more quickly now. I haven't had dreams in a while now. I work a lot and I always have my daughter to try to keep in line. With that I stay busy and don't have much time to sit around and dwell on getting high. I still have much trouble sleeping at night. But I make it, even when I'm tired I go to work every single day. I have a decent job now and my life improves daily. I think what feels the best is (believe it or not) paying my bills. It's not that fact of paying them, it's the point. I am paying my bills on time and not worrying about the drugs and that feels good. I never thought I would ever say that paying bills feels good but it does. And it feels even better having people around me that care from the heart not from the pipe. I am so blessed right now I could have never imagined my life being this way even six months ago. I have totally turned my life around. Now to stop my children from ruining theirs, I know that it is too soon in their lives to think about things like that but I do, I want them to grow into productive adults that give instead of take. Giving is good. God Bless and another day made a difference. |