| My Story |
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| Life as an Addict |
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| I hear so many people say that material things are just that, material. But some material things have so much meaning and are so priceless. For example a picture of your newborn child or another picture of them losing their first tooth or taking that first step. Another example would be the pictures they draw at school and they bring them home because they are so proud of them and you hang them on the refrigerator. Those are not only material things, they are your memories. I have also heard on numerous occasions that all your memories are in your head. All that is just fine for some people I guess but not for me. I like being able to take those material things and show them to people not just tell them about that memory. I like to be able to take the person I am telling my memory to with me and to do that you must show them that memory, then the person you are talking to can experience that memory in almost the same way you experienced it the first time. I hope you understand what I am saying. This brings me to the point of all this. I lost all my memories Hi I am Lisa and I am a recovering drug addict. I want to tell you about my feelings so if this starts to get to the place that you can't understand anymore I apologize now because I am going to go through emotions and feelings. And believe me I am good at those. Cause and Effects, before and after, what's the difference. I smoked Crack Cocaine; that was the cause and here are the effects I put all my belongings in a storage unit a few years ago. Not a problem then, I would pay fifty dollars a month to keep my things there and when I found a home for me and my children I would go and get them and move them to my new home. Back to memories. I no longer have them. Oh I have them in mind, but not in material possession. The Cause, because I would take that fifty dollars and instead of paying storage unit rent I would pay the dope man. Effect' Now I have lost every thing I owned. I can't rummage through my things and tell somebody �Look at this, this is Rachel's new born picture, I told you she was a beautiful baby. Or, Here is Jacob when he lost his first tooth, doesn�t he look adorable?' How about the day I brought Landin home from the hospital, I could never explain in words the look on Taylor's face. I could have showed you all this, but I decided that I needed that hit of crack instead of a memory. Now that is an effect. So many people asked me�Why don't you just stop doing drugs. When they should have asked,�When is the drug going to stop doing you. I can explain all that. It's not that I wouldn't stop using it's that I Couldn't stop. You may see this as a cop-out but unless you actually lived it then you can say all you want but you just don't know or understand. Crack Cocaine does in itself have a mind of its own; it takes total control of your life. I did love my children more than the drug. If I could have given that drug up I would have for my babies. But believe me when I say I COULDN'T. I wanted to be home. If I would have never felt the urgency that I needed to get away then maybe I would have never picked up for the first time. Some people start using for reason like they just wanted to experience it and then Crack grabs them. Then you have some that only want to get away from everyday life for a few minuets They may be experiencing abuse at home and just figure that they might as well take a hit they couldn't get beat up any worse than before. I am not blaming the actions of others I'm just giving more cause and effects. The only way not to get addicted to Crack is to not pick up for the first time. You know I have done coke, heroin, acid, popped pills, drank you name it I've done it and I had always seemed to bounce back and take control. But with this thing called Crack Cocaine there is no bouncing back, there is no control. But I don't care what people say about this drug once you start smoking crack it is impossible to stop. You can't control it or your life when you�re on it. It not only becomes your life, it is your life and the only life you have. Screw every thing and everybody around you or that cares deeply for you. Crack DOES NOT change your feelings about the people you care about; it can not take your love away. I have never one time stopped loving or caring for my family or friends. Oh GOD, if you only knew how bad I wanted to stop. I couldn't. You may not believe this but I did love my family more than the drug. But nothing was ever enough. Not my mom, my husbands not even my children. I loved my children more than life itself, but it still wasn't enough. I had lost everything my children were taken from me, my possessions were gone. Everything and everybody was gone. No it still wasn't enough. I have been beaten, stabbed, shot at, raped, was a prostitute, stole, locked up, lost job after job, cheated, lied, and yes even tried on numerous occasions to kill myself. Yet none of that was enough to make me stop using. They say that once you hit your bottom then you will stop. When do you hit bottom? Hell what is bottom? For some it is death. It probably should have been for me as well. I was in jail 14 times in one year, oh never on a drug charge, but for things like auto theft, probation violation, driving while suspended. Mostly small charges, But damn 14 times in less than a year. I would call home and cry and swear I would stop, As soon as I got out of jail there I was again back on the pipe At one point in my life, my children were my life as they are now. They were the air I breathed, they were my soul, and they were me. I only lived my life for them. Then I met a man who tormented me and my children. I didn't know where I could turn. I was a stripper and someone said �Hey try this!" So I did, I figured�Oh well what have I got to lose. I have no morals anymore. I gave up on everything I believed in, I believe at that point. I never thought of what could happen I was only thinking of what was happening at that point in my life. I would smoke Crack off and on with no problem. When I was done I would just lay the pipe down and walk away. If I had more crack in my pocket I would give it away. Until the one time I was actually taught how to smoke Crack Cocaine. Yes it is an art; if you don't know how to smoke it then you may have a chance at not getting addicted to it. If I could find that guy that actually showed me how to smoke I would ring his neck. I know that might sound crazy or stupid to you, but it is true, You have to know how to smoke crack in order to get the full effects of it. It isn't a matter of just holding a pipe lighting it and taking a hit. That's the simple way and a form of an out I guess. But when you actually learn how to hit that pipe and you get that roller coaster ride and you start spinning and you know then what it is all about and you know then that you want to never stop feeling that way. It is that feeling that you start to live for. Nothing else matters any longer. Your family, your hopes, dreams, ambitions. That is also when the nightmare begins. At that point is when you are no longer you, you are Crack. Things just go farther and faster down hill from that point on. You not only give up on your family or yourself but, you give up on life, every thing you believe in. That is a case of suicide. You kill yourself a little every time you use. You never kill your feelings or emotions, you just put those in the back of your mind, and only let them come forward when you are coming down from a high and have no way to get money for more dope. Then all those feelings and emotions come pouring back to the surface, and when they pour I mean they pour like Niagara Falls. You don't want that. Hell, you can't handle that. You gave up your children for that damn roller coaster, and there is no way back. You can't just walk away anymore, you can't just go home and say�OH I am sorry, I promise I won't do that again." Your emotions tell you it is to late for all that, you are done with, so you think I might as well and screw up a little more it can't be any worse than it is now. At that point you don't realize that it will get worse, hell you don't even care. Everything you have ever cared about is gone. All you have is your new best friend, the pipe. He is there for you, he won't let you down. He will stop those tears from rolling; he will help you to get rid of your emotions for now. He loves you. Even if nobody else does. I would try to get arrested, and then I could go to jail and finally be free. But when I went hell everybody there was in there because of drugs and that is all they ever talked about. So I couldn't wait to get out. I never cried because I didn't have a cigarette. I cried because of my loss. When I was incarcerated at first I would cry all the time. I would cry because of what I did to my family, I would cry because I was tired and drained. I would cry because I wanted to get high more than anything on earth. I would cry because I wanted to die. The last time I went to jail, I was in for 53 days and it was the easiest time I had done. I think because I finally accepted the fact that I was there and I had a chance at life. After being in rehab after rehab and still not being able to stop, I knew that the only way I was going to stop was to end my life. The last time I was in jail it was for Aiding and Abetting a Felon. I was innocent of the crime actually. I ended up taking a Plea Bargain just so I would be released from jail. I didn't think about Pleading my life away. But I had actually done that when I first starting smoking Crack Cocaine. At this point I have been a basket case for three years. At this point I can no longer go on with life in this way, I have totally lost everything now, my kids are so far into the system the only way to help them now is to sign papers giving them up for adoption, I thank God for my mom and dad then, I had the opportunity to sign adoption papers that would only allow my parents to adopt my children. My oldest daughter went to live with her father so I still had a chance with her. My three youngest babies were with my mom and dad so I knew by signing those papers I could still have a chance with them. When I would hear that line about you will stop when you�re tired of being tired, That was bunk to me because I had been tired of being tired long before I ever started drugs the first time 14 years ago. I was tired of being tired when I was a child. I just wanted to give up and I no longer cared. Being tired was out of my system. I just wanted to die, and then nobody would ever have to worry any more. Especially my children, they could go on with there lives and be happy because they would not have to worry about where mommy was or if mommy was going to come and see them. I thought I would just end their agony of my demise. |
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| Lisa age 6 |