Girl Talk

Bits and Peices

At the County Fair, There was one of those "Believe it or Not" shows.
They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

"Women are idiots to want equal rights," said the chauvinist.
"Yeah," answered his friend, "They'd be miserable with so few."

Three words guaranteed to destroy any man's ego: "Is it In?"
The three words most hated by men (after "Is it in?): Are you done?

If Men got Pregnant...

• Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
• There would be a cure for stretch marks.
• Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
• Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
• All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
• Abortions would be available in convenience stores and drive-thru windows.
• Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
• Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
• They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
• Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
• Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
• Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
• They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
• Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
• Women would rule the world.

Brains for Sale

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a braintransplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky-- but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some of them actually smirked.

One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been USED."

Why Dogs are Better Than Men

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the worst disease you really can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
• Dogs understand what "no" means.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

The Last Ten Things a Man Would Say

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool guy.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her breasts are just way too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on 'Murder, she Wrote' gives me a woody.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
9. Forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

Women's Wish List: "What I Want In A Man"

Mike are Like ...

Department Stores ... their clothes should always be half off.

Vacations ... they never seem to be long enough.

Computers ... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers ... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Chocolate Bars ... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee ... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Horoscopes ... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Plungers ... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Cement ... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Placemats ... They only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike Helmets ... Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Government Bonds ... They take so long to mature.

Copiers ... You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Bank Accounts ... Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

High Heels ... They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Curling Irons ... They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Mini Skirts ... If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Buses ... They have spare tires and smell bad.

Free

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Beleive

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men.

For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing.

Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

There would be no such words as "wedgie'' and "noogie.''

Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be --I sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts. And when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. *

* Please refer to "Size 2" in Guy Talk

Subject: The Honeymoon is over...

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..

Advertisement: New Products for Men

With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them
to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household
repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men given this drug noticed that their
wives had a new hairstyle. (Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties
expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days.
Not known if this drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
* Currently undergoing clinical trials on former U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports
and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids.
Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).
Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - (Almost failed clinical trial.) This drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge
to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
* Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs.
Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.