Guy Talk

The Guys Side

Okay, you asked for it:

We always hear the rules from the feminine side. We now hear the guy's side.
These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthday's, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutley anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil. Please.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

1. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during comercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never wil be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

More from The Guys Side

Additions to our Rules:

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the $%#% they're saying anyway.)

1. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!

For Men Tired of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
It's called "Wedding Cake."

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning God created the Earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds:
"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Women's Key Words and Their Meanings

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but at this point just want you to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is really half an hour. It is equivalent to the "five minutes" that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and for that you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling that a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies the beginning of an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine."

"Go ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and ultimately end with the word "fine."

"Go ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up," or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will often find a raised eyebrow "go ahead," several minutes later, followed then by "nothing" and "fine," and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

Loud sigh: Though not actually a word, it is still a verbal statement very often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing."

Soft sigh: Again, not a word, but nevertheless a verbal statement. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand: She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breath and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement means trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN�do not walk�to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine," as she tosses your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually suggests that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie any more to get out of it, or you will get the raised eyebrows "go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead." Further alluding to some point in the near future, after she has plotted and planned, when you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance by telling the truth, so be careful, and you may not get a "That's okay."

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome."

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from the meaning of "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot," when she is actually ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the loud sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the loud sigh because she will only tell you "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.

Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone

by Matt Groening

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullethead, Godzilla, Peanuthead and Useless.

EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in 20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Because ...

Because I am a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in and I have damaged the vehicle.

Because I am a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other," I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.

Because I am a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I am a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "lady fingers." For all I know, these could be the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I am a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I am a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I am a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how in the world could he know where we're going?

Because I am a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about, especially while driving quietly. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask -- so don't.

Because I am a man, you don't have to ask me if I like the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I am a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.

Because I am a man and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

This has been a Public Service message for women to better understand the male animal.

Size 2

When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective -- follow me closely here -- is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My bottom is the size of a Federal Express truck!''

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "8'' or "10.'' Don't ask me "8'' or "10'' of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8. So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.

"Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and . . . "

"Am I fat?'' she'll ask, cutting him off.

This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them.''

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2,'' in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. And with all the money you make you could open another store for men that gives great discounts on night vision binoculars.

Things Never to Say to a Woman When You're Fighting

1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
2. "No really...I was laughing about a joke I heard onetime."
3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
4. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
5. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it?"
6. "Are you gonna cry?" (force lip to quiver mockingly)
7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
8. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
9. "Whoa, time out honey. Friends is on."
10. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."
11. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
12. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

The Advantages of Being a Man

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
• Same work... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood, ALL the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."
• You don't mooch off other's desserts.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.