Frequently Asked Questions

Food

Why are men like popcorn ?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

How does a man take a bubble bath ?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner ?
When the power goes off.

What does a man consider a seven course meal ?
A six-pack of beer and a hot-dog.

Why are men like laxatives ?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

How may men does it take to pop popcorn ?
Three, one to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Appliances and Other Gadgets

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
One. Men will screw anything.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man ?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why are batteries better than men ?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man ?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.

How do you get a man to do sit ups ?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why are men like blenders ?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail ?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".

What do you call a man in handcuffs ?
Trustworthy.

What do a toilet seat, an anniversary and a clitoris have in common ?
Men always miss them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper ?
No one knows. Its never happened !

God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb ?"
God says: "So she would love you."

What did God say after creating Adam?
"I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve ?
"Practice makes perfect."

Why did God create man ?
Because vibrators can't take out the garbage.

What did God say after he created man ?
"I can do better than this", and he created woman.

Why did God create man ?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift ?
Exchange him.

Housework

What does a man consider a seven course meal ?
A six-pack of beer and a hot-dog.

How may men does it take to pop popcorn ?
Three, one to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

How do men sort their laundry ?
"Filthy" and "Filthy, but wearable.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes ?
Both of them.

What is a mans idea of helping with housework ?
Lifting his feet so you can vacuum.

The Intelligence of Men

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business ?
No mind. No business.

Why do men like smart women ?
Opposites attract.

What is gross stupidity ?
144 men in one room.

How do men define Roe vs. Wade ?
Two ways to cross a river.

How does a man show he's planning for the future ?
He buys 2 cases of beer.

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50 ?
Gifted.

What do you call a man with half a brain ?
Gifted

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man ?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

Why can't a man be both good looking and intelligent ?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut ?
Because it is swollen.

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female ?
It is rarer.

Why are blonde jokes so short ?
So men can remember them.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet ?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

What do men and beer bottles have in common ?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Why do men always have stupid looks on their faces ?
Because they are stupid.

Man vs Woman

What is the difference between men and women ?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What do men and women have in common ?
They both distrust men.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth ?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable.
While the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man ?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children.
The 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

What do women dream of ?
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of ?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Marriage

How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What is the one thing that all men at single's bars have in common ?
They are all married.

How are men and parking spots alike ?
The goods one are taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common ?
They're married.

Why do fewer women get married these days ?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the living room.

Why do men prefer to marry virgins ?
They cannot handle the criticism.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man ?
His wife picks out his clothes.

Imaturity

Why do little boys whine ?
Because they're practicing to be men.

How does a man keep his youth ?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women ?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What's the difference between a man and government bonds ?
Bonds mature.

Why don't men go through menopause ?
They never left puberty.

Murder

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground ?
Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung ?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name ?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating ?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the best way to kill a man ?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

How do you save a man from drowning ?
Take your foot off his head.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night ?
A widow.

The Penis

Why are women so bad at mathematics ?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is nine inches.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom ?
It keeps the swelling down.

How is a man like a snowstorm ?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover ?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawl.

Why do men have a hole in their penis ?
So oxygen can get to their brain.

Why are men like the letter Q ?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called ?
The man.

Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born ?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do men name their penises ?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make all of their decisions.

The Perfect Man

How are men and parking spots alike ?
The goods one are taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome,
a good lover and a stimulating partner ?
In the pages of a romance novel.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man ?
A rumour.

Why is Mr. Potatoe Head the perfect man ?
He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearange his face.

How are men and parking space alike ?
The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking ?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

How are men like parking stalls ?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Using a Telephone

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men ?
No phone numbers.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call.
Who are these women ?
Women working at 900 numbers.

What's the difference between a man and E.T. ?
E.T. phoned home.

Sensitivity..or Lack of

What is the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche ?
A Porcupine has pricks on the outside

Why don't men often show their true feelings ?
Because they don't have any.

Why are men like commercials ?
You can't believe a word they say.

What is the thinnest book in the world ?
"What Men Know About Women".

How can you tell if a man is happy ?
Who cares?

Sex in General

Why don't men blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What's a man's idea of foreplay ?
A half an hour of begging.

Why do so many women fake orgasm ?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between a bar and a G-spot ?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening ?
Sex.

Why do men like masturbation ?
Its sex with someone they love.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date ?
Slow.

What do most men think mutual orgasm is ?
An insurance company.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited ?
He's breathing.

What is a man's view of safe sex ?
A padded headboard.

Why did the man cross the road ?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Testicals

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg ?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common ?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up ?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What's easier to make, a snowman or a snow-woman ?
A snow-woman is easier to make.
With a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing ?
Castrated.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hand ?
A man's undivided attention.