Instructions

The Rules

1. The Female always makes the rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the Female.
3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of them.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. The Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
8. The Female may change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules; can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
17. The Female is ready when SHE is ready.
18. The Male must be ready at all times.

Endangered Species

Sure, there are a lot of good men left out there, but let�s face it, ladies. There are quite a few we wish we�d never met! You know who you are, fellas, and your numbers are up as women name the top six men we�re ready to add to the endangered list:

• Homo reptilicus
  This guy�s poison for first dates. He either disregards or is completely clueless about the rules for displaying affection in public, slithering in for unwelcome kisses and squeezing you close like a boa constrictor. Keep this one at arm�s length, girls. Otherwise, he�ll expect you to slink back with him into whatever hole he crawled out of.
  
  
• Homo restricticus
  Beware the boyfriends who won�t let you out of their sight, and for all the wrong reasons. If your Jack is way too jealous, be a judicious Jill and jilt that loser.
  
  
• Homo immaturus
  Can�t this guy take you out without drinking himself into a stupor? And would it hurt him to make plans for something other than Monday night football or a night of pool with his pals? This immature dude can be smart, cute and sweet, but unless you're prepared to go on a date and change his diapers during the same evening, tell him to call you when he grows up.
  
  
• Homo reflecticus
  Hello! Does this fella even know you�re there? He�s so into himself and talks so much that you can hardly fit a word in edgewise. He knows your first name but seems completely uninterested in learning more. Watch for highly reflective windows around this guy. He often becomes lost in his own gaze.
  
  
• Homo intelligentus
  You were looking for Mr. Right but instead found Mr. Always Right! He knows everything about everything and never fails to one-up anything you�ve ever done. Bounce this brainiac and let him pat his own back with someone else.
  
  
• Homo sporadicus
  This guy doesn�t even bother to schedule a date when he�s in the mood for love. Instead, you�ll likely hear from him at the midnight hour or later, usually after the clubs close. Unless you�re ready for an irregular Romeo, hang up the phone or slam the door ASAP.

Women's Advice to Men

• The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
• The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
• If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
• If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
• Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
• Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
• Please don't drive when you're not driving.
• Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
• Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
• If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask us in bed.
• The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by male rubber-necking at the mini-skirts.
• If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
• Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
• When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
• Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
• Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
• Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
• Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
• Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Women's Compact Instruction Book

1. Never do housework.
   No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
   (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
12. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
13. Definition of a bachelor;
    a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
14. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
15. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
16. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
17. If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
18. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
    Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "oh alright, I'll stay the night".
20. Women sleep with men, who (if they were women),
    wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
21. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes,
    it means you laugh at his.
22. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
23. Sadly, all men are created equal.
24. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You could be, you look familiar".
25. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate
    to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
26. There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
27. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men:
    "strong, caring, loving"
    They'd be wrong , but you could still use them.

TBA