In this lesson we will explore the processes needed in order to build trust so that others, particularly people that are important in your life (i.e. family, teachers, good friends, etc.), will have confidence in you as a person who can be trusted.

Trust involves being honest and responsible. Others must know that you are dependable and that your “word” is reliable.

“No legacy is so rich as honesty.” - William Shakespeare -

People who keep their “word” are trusted and admired. People who do not, suffer a multitude of restrictions and limitations. The inability to maintain good relations with others is the natural consequence of dishonesty and irresponsibility.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS

To have a trusting relationship with another person is to have confidence in the other person, and them having confidence in you. Getting along with other people is an important skill. You cannot control the actions and attitude of another person, but you do have complete control of your own actions and attitude.

If you wish to create positive relationships with others, you must have the desire. Desire comes from truly caring about the welfare of others. It also comes from knowing that there are great benefits from having good “trusting relationships” with others. Successful jobs and career often depend on one’s ability to get along and work with other people.

Other benefits of building trusting relationships include:

Such a relationship with your parents will result in more privileges.

More opportunities of all types will open up because people like and respect you.

Better friendships. A true friend is someone you know, like, and trust. Someone who cares about you because of who you are, not what you have or what you can do for them. If you are a true friend of another, then you have earned his/her trust.

Good feelings about yourself will result when you help others, and a sense of well-being and happiness. This is called self-esteem.

Example: When Arturo returned home from school, he asked his mother if he could play basketball with his friends. She asked about his homework. Arturo said that he had finished it at school before he came home. Arturo’s mother questioned this because on the last Report Card Arturo received two failing grades. Teachers had told her that Arturo rarely turned in his homework, even though he had been telling her that he had turned in all of his work. After receiving the poor Report Card, Arturo admitted that he had lied about turning in his homework.

Unfortunately, Arturo’s mother now does not trust Arturo’s word. She has good reason to doubt whether Arturo has really completed his homework at school because Arturo has been untruthful many times in the past.

Let’s assume that this time Arturo is telling the truth. The problem is that he has not yet built a “trusting relationship” with his mother. If he can successfully “build trust” with his mother, he will find that his parents will be much more willing to allow him extra freedoms in the future.

HOW TO BUILD TRUST

A good place to start is with self-discipline. We must use self-discipline to control our behaviors. Our parents, our schools, and our churches have taught us about responsible behavior. Our behaviors establish our reputation. When we control our behaviors in positive ways, we will establish a good reputation and positive trusting relationships will be our reward.

The most basic standards of conduct, which strengthen character and establish good reputations include:

Truthfulness

Honesty

Respect for the rights and safety of others

Commitment to do a good job

People who are unable or unwilling to establish positive relationships with others will establish a bad reputation. People with bad reputations have to deal with predicable consequences.

They lose friends and respect.

They have to deal with emotional pain and embarrassment in themselves and others.

They have low self-esteem. Unhappiness and despair are common.

Opportunities, both social and professional, are lost.

One of the greatest threats to a person’s character and building trusting relationships is peer-pressure. Actually, peer-pressure can be either positive or negative. You should be particularly concerned when others try to influence you to participate in negative behaviors (i.e. use of alcohol or drugs, ditching school, damaging property, stealing, violence, etc.)

It is not easy to resist the pressure of being one of the group. It is fine to be part of a group, but don’t let the group think for you. If a group is hurtful and deceitful to others, then involvement in such a group should be resisted. The old saying “everyone’s doing it” is never true! Remember, if you wish to earn the trust of others, you must reject the idea that it is okay to do something bad just because others are doing it.

Through self-discipline you can control negative behaviors such as “lying in a deceitful manner,” or “taking property which does not belong to you.” When you “lie” or “steal,” there is always harm done to two or more people.

First, it is obvious that the person who lost the stolen property or is lied to is harmed.

Second, you are harmed! Your character, respect, and trust have been damaged. Even if you are not caught, you know what you did! Repeated actions of this negative type will do great harm to your happiness, self-esteem, and character.

Example: Linda liked a locket belonging to her friend Julie. She took the locket from Julie’s purse during P.E. class. When Julie discovered the locket missing, she blamed Cindy. She didn’t like Cindy and felt that Cindy had plenty of opportunities to get into her purse. A lot of hurtful words were exchanged between Julie and Cindy, and Julie threatened Cindy that she would “get her” after school. Linda kept quiet. She didn’t like Cindy either.

Linda is not only a thief, but she is being very deceitful in allowing Cindy to take the blame. Would you trust her? Linda’s character has been seriously harmed.

Julie is jumping to conclusions by falsely accusing Cindy. By using hurtful language and threats towards Cindy, Linda is being disrespectful and childish.

Cindy knows that she has been falsely accused. No one likes this, but using hurtful words back to Julie only makes the problem worse. Cindy needs to ask for help from the teacher or counselor.

Listen to your conscience and make good choices. The trusting relationships you build will make your efforts worthwhile.

FRIENDSHIP

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” - Dale Carnegie -

In order to have a friend, you must be a friend. This requires the desire to communicate your feelings and experiences and be a good listener. You must avoid put-downs. Take interest in what’s important to your friend, giving positive support and encouragement. Be careful because good friendships are delicate and can be destroyed by angry put-downs or physical conflicts. These behaviors hurt feelings and destroy trust. Lasting friendships should be cherished, not abused.

Endeavor to establish friendships with boys and girls. Friendships with members of the opposite sex can be delicate, but the basic values of respect, building trusting relationships, and being a caring person still apply. Unfortunately, when boys or girls become angry, or they are trying to attract the attention of a member of the opposite sex, hurtful words or inappropriate behavior are sometimes used. Be very careful in these situations because insensitive behavior with members of the opposite sex can be more difficult to repair.

SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS

Each of us needs to accept the fact that we constantly have contact with others; and as a result, we influence others. This influence can be good, or it can be bad. If we truly “respect the rights of others,” we will not encourage our friends, or anyone, to say things or take actions that we know are wrong. Instead, the actions that we take should demonstrate the basic value: respect. This is known as positive peer-pressure.

It is our commitment to our own values, which determine how others respond to us.

If we give respect to others, usually we will receive respect from others. When this does not happen, our personal commitment and integrity will allow us to deal with the situation.

If we commit to self-improvement, such as “doing a good job” in the classroom or for our employer, then we will gain the respect and admiration of teachers and employers. Good relationships with teachers and employers will lead to new opportunities.

HOW TO DEAL WITH NEGATIVE SITUATIONS

When you are in situations where negative activities are happening (this will happen to everyone), trust what you see and hear; trust your values. Ask yourself: What will I do if I’m pressured to do something wrong? Will you think for yourself, or will you let others think for you?

If you are a person with integrity, you will:

THINK FOR YOURSELF!

CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES.

ASK YOURSELF: WHO WILL BE HARMED?

MAKE A GOOD DECISION. BE FIRM!

Here is a partial list of suggestions you can use to resist negative peer-pressure. Be firm and determined.

Just say: “No, thanks.”

“This is wrong, don’t ask me again.”

“I’m better than this.”

“I’m not interested.”

What about when it’s too late? The negative action has already happened! If you have already made a bad choice, then you need to face the consequences that go with your actions. Hopefully, if you know your actions were wrong, you at least regret what you did. You cannot go back and undo what has already happened, but you can change your behavior in the future.

Example: Arnold was hanging out with other boys at the football game. The home team lost and the group decided to get back at the other team. It was night and as the bus pulled on to the street, under the cover of darkness, Arnold and the other boys started throwing rocks at the bus. One of the rocks broke a side window. Glass from the window cut the face of one of the players.

All the boys ran away, but the police quickly caught Arnold. Arnold admitted that he was throwing rocks, but says he didn’t break the window. After talking with his parents, school counselors, and police officers, Arnold truly regrets what happened.

Unfortunately, the incident did happen, and it cannot be undone! A great deal of harm has happened: A student has been injured, a bus has been damaged, and Arnold’s school and city have been greatly embarrassed. Who is responsible for the medical bills? What about the cost of repairing the bus? Without a doubt, the character of all boys who participated is harmed.

What good can come from this? Arnold could use this incident as a learning experience and begin making changes in his behavior. From now on, he could begin thinking for himself, rather than just going along with the group. He could begin making decisions based on quality values.

However, at this time he is responsible for what he did, and he must face the consequences. Even if he didn’t throw the rock that caused the injury, he is still partly responsible for causing the injury.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Everyone has conflicts. It is a part of life. We have conflicts with other students, with our brothers or sisters, with our parents, even with friends. If they can be resolved in a positive way, they will often result in even stronger relationships.

The more serious conflicts with other students can lead to fights. Fights are normally caused when someone becomes angry. Angry people make bad decisions. Fights can cause serious injury, and can result in serious problems for you and your family. Remember, it takes two to tango; this is true for a fight or other types of conflicts. If you control your temper, most conflicts you have will be small ones and controllable.

Here are some guidelines, which you will find helpful in preventing or solving conflicts:

1. Do not lose your temper. If you really want to stay out of a fight, you can do it. Desire is the key to solving conflicts of all types.

2. Think before you act. It is important not to make the problem worse.

A. Don’t make comments or take any action which you will regret later. Be sure to express your feelings without insults.

B. Listen to the other person. Try to understand his/her point of view.

C. Be willing to admit mistakes and take responsibility for your role in the conflict.

3. Be willing to forgive. When you feel hurt or wronged by another person, it is natural to want revenge. Efforts to get revenge are destructive and increase the conflict. Your willingness to forgive will free you from the evils of anger and bitterness, and will help solve the conflict.

4. Use maturity and good judgment. Look for a solution that both sides can agree upon. If it appears that you cannot control the conflict, dont be afraid to ask for help from a counselor or teacher.

IF YOU NEED HELP, ASK FOR IT! IT’S A

SIGN OF STRENGTH, NOT WEAKNESS!

THE ULTIMATE TEST

Throughout life there will be many temptations to take the easy way out, to steal something because it’s desirable or easy, to lie to avoid being caught, to cheat on a test, to use bad language, to physically hurt another person, etc. Each time we give in to these temptations, we harm the value of our character.

When tempted to do something wrong, some of us will wonder what the chances are that we will be caught. And if we think that we will probably not be caught, then we go ahead and do it (i.e. steal a locket, throw a rock through a car window, write an anonymous note with bad language to a teacher, threaten to hurt someone, etc.). If you are one of these people, then you are a person of poor character and low values.

The true and final test comes when we know that there is not much chance that we will be caught, but we do the right thing anyway. We use self-discipline to resist negative temptations. We consider the consequences of our actions and endeavor to make positive choices.

Trust means that no one has to watch us or repeatedly check on us to be sure that we do the right thing.

If you are one of these people, then you are a person of outstanding character and high values. True happiness and a feeling of pride and joy are within your grasp.

“Reputation . . . is about who you are when people are watching. Character is about who you are when there’s nobody . . . but you. Both matter, but of the two, character is far and away the most important. The former can induce others to think well of you. But only the latter allows you to think well of yourself.” -- Leonard Pitts Jr. --

QUIZ

Directions: Complete the following exercises. They are not tests, but should be used as a learning tool to help you learn. You should think through a concept and complete the exercise. Then you can immediately find out if you have learned correctly by reviewing the answers at the end of the exercise.

1. Match the following:

_____ honesty		a. A synonym of Self-Respect.
_____ self-esteem		b. The act of being honest, truthful, and sincere.
_____ self-discipline		c. Someone who cares about you because of who you are, not what you have or what you can do for them.
_____ trust		d. The influence that friends have on your behavior.
_____ friend		e. To accept another person as being true or reliable without being able to verify it.
_____ peer-pressure		f. Control of one’s conduct.

2. The most basic standards of conduct that strengthen character are:

3. Self-discipline is important to a person’s character because through

self-discipline he/she can control _________________ behavior.

4. When a person “lies” or “steals,” two or more people are always harmed.

Who are the two people always harmed?

5. List three guidelines helpful in solving conflicts:

6. What is the ultimate test that determines whether a person can be trusted?

Answers: 1. B, a, f, e, c, d 2. truthfulness, honesty, respect for rights and safety of others 3. negative 4. The person losing property or is lied to, and the liar or thief. 5. Don’t lose your temper, think before you act, use good judgment. 6. He/she does the right thing, even when no one is watching and there is little chance of being caught.

Caring

To be concerned about another person (i.e. rights, feelings, property).

Synonyms: concerned, regard

Antonyms: neglect, unfeeling, disregard

Commitment

The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to some

course of action.

Synonyms: bind, obligate

Antonyms: renounce, neglect

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Consequences

A logical result of an action. The student got “grounded” because

he did not do his homework.

Synonyms: outcome, result

Desire

To want or wish for something (i.e. It is my desire to have a trusting

relationship with my parents.

Synonyms: hope, yearning

Antonym: dislike

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Friendship

A relationship of mutual affection and goodwill.

Synonyms: companion, pal

Antonyms: antagonistic, hostile

Peer-pressure

Influence of one’s friends on his/her behavior.

Back to vocabulary

Reputation

The general opinion held by people about the merits of a person or thing.

Synonyms: fame, image

Self-discipline

Control of one’s conduct for personal improvement.

Synonyms: self-restraint

Antonym: disorder

Back to vocabulary

Self-esteem

The respect in which one holds of himself or herself.

Synonyms: pride, image, self-respect

Trust

To have confidence in another person because of the qualities

that we see. To accept another person as being true or reliable

without being able or seeing the need to verify it.

Synonyms: confidence, believe in

Antonyms: mistrust, suspicion

Back to vocabulary

BUILDING TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS

Contents

VOCABULARY

OVERVIEW

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS

HOW TO BUILD TRUST

FRIENDSHIP

SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS

HOW TO DEAL WITH NEGATIVE SITUATIONS

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

THE ULTIMATE TEST

QUIZ

Caring

Commitment

Consequences

Desire

Friendship

Peer-pressure

Reputation

Self-discipline

Self-esteem

Trust