* So today(9/12/03) i realized that i have some great friends that will spend 6 hours taking out my braids, which is sad, when you have 2 girls and me taking it out, and it took that long. when only one girl put them in w/ long nails and it took her probably 10-12 hours. either way, one of my other friends told me i should find black friends to help with stuff like that. she meant it in a friendly joking way, but it upset me. Its not like i can walk my but into lincolnville and yell down the street, hey black people, i have no black friends, will you be my friend? chances are, thats not cool. sometimes i really honestly cant stand myself. also, now that i have taken my braids out, i feel really ugly. really. my roomie says im a pretty girl, and so do other people, but so many people said wow ur so pretty when my hair was in..this time and when i did it in 12th grade...but,now im back to ewe...oh well, i'll get them in again, eventually...even tho my own parents told me they didnt want to help take them out. thanks alot, they said they did it soooo much ....right, the 4 times i've had it done? whatever.
*So..again, today (9-14-03) a friend asked me if i wanted to go to a bible study...i was like sure, im so glad i went. i've been so distant from any source of like, faith groups and i was feeling pretty bad about it. on top of that, the leader girl was adopted to, so when they were asking for prayer requests i actually had the strength to say the truth, give something real that i needed help with, and asked just for prayers on culture/background issues. the leader was mixed or something too, i didnt really talk to her about the whole thing, but i think she may be a transracial adoptee too..which if she is, i'd be so happy, and i'd have someone to talk to who actually understands*
* Ok, so after todays(9/16/03) contemporary social problems class, i was really upset, yet again, not bc i have been informed of all the bad in the world, but because we were told that on thurs. he's going to hand out the papers for our *ethnicity* papers...which really upsets me, cuz of obvious reasons...if u dont know, ask me...but im so scared, bc it means another person i have to address about my issue..w/out crying..i hate crying..
*09/18/03~....* i didnt come this far, for you to make this hard for me..and now u want to ask me how? its like..how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?..why did you come here? you weren't invited, you were on the outside, stay on the outside..its like how does you're heart beat, and how do you cry...yea there are somethings that i would like to figure out, and there are some things i could do without...*lisa loeb* i remember when i saw her at the speidie fest...she's great...so its almost time for *the class* and i know im afraid if he is going to pass out the paper or not, a little afraid that if i have to talk to him he'll tell me i look like this or that, and should write the paper on that, or even tell me to pick something, OR will ask what my parents are and make me write on that, i would rather eat spoonfulls of salt. i mean, i love them and they're my parents, but why should i have to go on learning about what i grew up with my whole life, more white italian/germans..u know, its just not right. we'll see what happens...
*excuse me, but can i be you for awhile?*~tori amos
*9/18/03~ well, he didnt hand the paper out, its a next tuesday ordeal. so tonight i knew i had money in my wallet, and there was a bum outside the lil champ that me and a few girls went to and he said * ma'am, do you have a couple dollars, i want to stay in a motel tonight..* or atleast something to that effect, he kept saying its not for alcohol or anything, i swear, and what happens..we all just shrugged him off and walked away w.out feeling bad...then i got back here, and ya know, i do feel bad about it. i just keep thinking, what if i ever get there...what if one of my own family or friends gets there...and is just suffering and has no one, to turn to but strangers to ask for help, and then there is only a few here and there that will help. the rest of us think, well he must have done something to get himself jobless and stuck on the street...but who are we to condemn them for falling? we all fall, we all make mistakes. i just hope he can get back up, i hope that they can all get back up. i wish that when my uncle thought about killing himself he would have said something to someone, maybe he did. maybe he talked to a stranger. and maybe they didnt care, and he justified it. i dont know, i am not sure of the situation. and im not trying to say the man we ran into tonight is gonna go ya know kill himself over 3 dollars, i just feel like i take things for granted sometime, and that we've all been trained to not look at those people in the eyes, and dont give them money cuz they'll follow you for more,well maybe they will, maybe not, maybe sometimes we just need to take chances...
*9/21/03, so my sister called and apparently isn't having the twins birthday next sunday anymore because *no one* could make it...im thinking, well oki told you that i could make it then, what ami chopped liver? apparently..anyways im upset about that because tomorrow everyone is going to their house for cake and ice cream, but i cant...::shrugs:: not much i can do about it now really... so wednesday is Ernies 1 year anniversary...and i think its stressin me...cuz i'm just a lil irritable i think, i dont know...i just dont even want to think about it..and it sucks that we dont have practice on wednesday night cuz theres gonna me so much built up stuff on weds that i'll NEED the run, but there wont be one..
but then again, not everything is going that bad right now, i went to church this morning and had a really nice time...and i had a date saturday night that was sealed w/ a nice kiss ;o)~
