10-9-03 *Do you worry that you're not liked..how long till you break? you're happy cuz you smile, but how much can you fake.....now you're worried about you're faith..kneel down and obey...you're happy you're in love..you need someone to hate. .an ordinary girl, an ordinary waist..but ordinary's just not good enough today..*~ ok so i've been living by the phrase..fat girl gotta eat...for the past few days...cuz i've been eating anything and everything like crazy...and the phrase almost justifies my every action...but uhm...its gotta stop..the madness has gotta stop! i mean...i used to run off one meal a day...and now im eating everything..breakfast..lunch..dinner..and snacks....its noticeable...and its gross... :-x....
10-14-03 ~ oh happy day...for real ;o) ...why...because the test i thought i did absolutely horrendous on, i ended up with a B....i guess i wont be a clam digger for the rest of my life...hehe....
10-15-03 ~my ankles hurt. i think they hurt alot more when im NOT running,..as strange as that sounds, i guess they just go numb during the run...then later they just pound and pound while i just sit there. this morning i had to work in the language lab and i had to actually stand up and walk around....my stomach hurt pretty bad too this morning after the run...i wasnt hungry...i had powerade and a banana after the run....anyways...have u ever just had a habit...something that u decided to do yourself...and then, it just doesn't change unless...unless you have to change it...it is sort of like...you wake up every morning, anad you go to the bathroom, do your business, wash your hands, and brush your teeth. If you tried to go about your daily activities without this minor step, you probably would almost pee your pants....and you would scare people away with your stanky breath....now, i guess i dont know what i really want to say but...there are things that seem almost impossible to change and live without....
10-16-03~...i love thursdays....why? because its like my friday! no classes on fridays...its wonderful..and tomorrow's bonus is this...no morning practice, therefore i just have to get up @ 10 to see Daquiesha...my lil sister from webster elem...she's so cute,..and she's in 5th grade this year...wow...hehe..
10-18-03~ My own mom told me im going to get fat.I am very aware of this potential. She told me she doesnt want me to be fat. Heck, i dont want to be fat. if im sitting there and my stomach is showing at all its...awwe*look at that belly*.. gross, i dont want to be reminded of it. Does it need to be expressed everytime i talk to her. I was just telling her i was going out to have a good time and maybe grab a bite of ice cream...then its..*oh, you're going to get fat, be careful.* I mean...she means well...she does...its just, i dont understand why she always tells it to me when she was upset about my grandparents ( dads parents) saying stuff to my dad about his weight...anyways, then she proceeds to ask me what kind of ice cream i was going to get, i said * fat freakin free ice cream, ok?* she's like, oh no, if you're going to do it you might as well get something good...so long story short. i ended up w/ a chai tea latte...which is prolly just as bad for u but its *pure* liquid so maybe it just went right through me anyways...She's looking out for me, i guess thats what it is...
10-19-03~...this friend said " i dont understand how everyone can stand there and praise the fact that we're going to die, i just dont understand, im scared to die."....at first i was really confused by her statement, i mean...who wouldnt want to die and go to heaven? it is supposed to be this awesome and amazing place, how can you NOT wait with anticipation to get there?...then i was just thinking about it again, and you know...it made me think, maybe she just doesn't think that this world is all that bad, maybe she really enjoys her life...maybe for the time being she's really happy to be here...but then at the same time i understand her confusion of praising the fact that the numbers of our days are shrinking...and our lives are getting shorter and shorter every step and breath we take...shouldnt we just try and live in the moment and love what we are doing now, and not have to look foward to death?
10-24-03~ I still can't believe it happened. It was her senior year, everything was supposed to be wonderful. She was supposed to graduate, she was supposed to start buying things for college, and worrying about her roomate. She was supposed to go and meet the love of her life whom she had no clue even existed yet. It was supposed to be her homecoming, her senior trip, her senior courtyard, her graduation. Most of all, a new beginning. Instead, a year ago, she decided there was no hope. there was no point. Her soul mate already killed himself in jail. And another good friend a month before. She couldn't bear with it anymore. The pain was too much, and she thought where he was, was where she was meant to be. She never woke up for school on 10/24/02..But here dad did find her, with a face that had turned blue, a shoelace around her neck, and her favorite outfit set out for her to be buried in. with a note that told her friends and family not to blame themselves, she only wanted to be with her soulmate. God, i want to know if they made it to Heaven. Did they make it..to heaven?
*What is hope?..To want? To desire? To expect that what's envisioned may indeed happen? YES to all of the above. Is hope that gut feeling that it's worth holding out and hanging on for just a little longer? ABSOLUTELY. Is hope the core of the human condition? CERTAINLY. Can you have hope without faith and humility and wonder? THAT'S TOUGH. Just the thought that there's something bigger, something truer, something totally surprising out there waiting for us is..priceless. What would you be without hope growing deep in your bones, thriving in every inch of you? NOTHING. What does it take to hope? EVERYTHING......Hope takes never ceasing to be amazed. wearing your soul on your sleeve. Believing that tomorrow could be better than today...that you'll get a second chance...that you'll make a difference...that you MATTER....God forbid love ever leave you empty handed..but if it does, may it leave you patient and stronger, willing and wiser, tender and tougher.
promise me one thing: if tomorrow you wake up feeling unoriginal, or frail-hearted or faithless or tired of this world, please..(ask me or it ) pick up this book and start at page one. or just call me!* ~I hope you dance,Sanders/Sillers
* 10-28-03 "I sit at my table, and wage war on myself. It seems like it's all for...nothing. This is my mistake, let me make it good. I raised the wall and i will be the one to make it fall."~REM...
11-4-03.......so i really have nothing to say...im just going to ramble...i did my ethnicity paper finally...i seriously thought i was going to jump of the bridge of lions during the process of it though, quite tempting...but i didn't, and the paper is done, and i made an 84 on a STATISTICS test! and then a 22/25 in my cont soc problems class quiz...which is the class for my paper....and those are all good that i have accomplished....megan died my hair dark brown ( and its quite dark...oops!...but its growing on me)...and i only have one more week of cross country, although i should be thinking three, im not quite so sure, i just have to run SO fast this saturday....and maybe we'll be the number one conference team, and go to Kentucky...which would be the coolest thing ever....*No limits, that's the rule i lieve by. if i can dream it, imagine it, i do it!*