* deep inside of you..change my life so it seems, .fall breeze blows.outside...you say boy make girl feel good..*
*if you think of me, if you miss me once in a while then i'll return to you, i'll return and fill that space in you're heart...remembering you're touch, you're kiss,you're warm embrace, i'll find my way back to you if you'll be waiting, if you dream of me, like i dream of you in a place thats warm and dark, in a place where i can feel the beating of you're heart, why i long for you, and i have desire to see you're face, you're smile, to be with you wherever you are... please say you'll be waiting, it would feel so good to me in you're arms, where all my journeys end, if you could make a promise, one that you can keep...say you'll hold a place for me in you're heart...*
9-24-03 *Lord teach us how to pray.. with our hearts and hands all busy in our private little wars, we stand and watch eachother now from separate shores;..i've got to learn to walk around as if i were not dead,i've got to find a way to learn to live..i still get so distracted w/ the color of my skin,i still get so upset when i find i dont win, i meet so many strangers, im so slow to take them in...i walk and fall, myself alone, cant tolerate a guide.*~ Joseph Wise
i can't believe how far i've really fallen from my Faith..i used to be a pretty strong girl ya know, but something just got to me, i dont know what...theres so many times when i just wanna be like oh well, big deal, its not like im out partying sleeping around drinking killing people...but i guess i havent been focused on the right things either. but its hard. its hard to get back to where i should be.
9-27-03--we had a meet this morning in lakeland florida at some ranch, it was an interesting place, when we got there it was so dark and there weren't any lights, and the guys were supposed to run at 7;30 and the sun was supposed to rise at 7;20, classic. and there were tons of mosquitos so dave told us to stay in the van w/ the doors closed, so we did but by that time there were already like swarms of them inside the van so we all just kinda smushed them to the windows and the ceiling, it was gross, but a good time.
so, i dont get it..my times are terrible this year, my coach says im running better in practices, which i guess i am, im not getting lost this year, and im keepin up for the most part w/ the rest...but my times are terrible..TERRIBLE...i think alot of it is mental, cuz i'll start thinking, well..im tired and oh this hurts and that hurts...but i notice when i just ignore those thoughts and focus on something else, i just pretty much go..so its something i need to work on...
9-30-03~i had a really wierd dream last night. really wierd. nothing i've ever experienced before. i can only remember kinda talking to myself, and telling myself from like outside the dream, no krissy it's not real. I was maybe back in NY or something, and i was about to approach a group of my friends, but i heard the laugh of Bethany...and i saw her, and she was smiling and so happy, and i was excited to see her, and i was about to go give her a big hug, and then thats when i started to tell myself that it can't be real, that she had killed herself last year, that she wasn't really there, that i was dreaming. Something had obviously triggered it, because its almost time for her anniversary now too, its just strange. and sad. because i realized i guess..im not at ease about it yet...and upset because, of the three people i know that did this, i wasnt able to go to ONE funeral...so its kinda like, i havent been able to accept that they're gone, and that i wont ever see them again, and that i never got to say *goodbye*..and it's my fault. * 'so tired of being here...and if you have to leave, i wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone. these wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's too much that time cannot erase..i'd fight away all of your fears..you used to captivate me, now im bound by the life you left behind. your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away my the sanity in me..there's just too much that time cannot erase''*
10-4-03~The weather all of this past week was absolutely terrible. The sky was gray every day. But, this morning i woke up and opened my curtains around 8 for practice, and BLUE the sky was blue and the sun was shining. i was so excited to go to practice and to just be outside. I fell at practice. but i didnt care, it was too nice outside to. my whole right side was just covered in muddy sand, those hilly trails w/ stumps just get ya. So i went to the beach after practice by myself, in hopes of doing some homework. but instead i fell asleep, watched some of the guys use those skimmer boards, and walked up and down the beach. getting crispy and burned in the process. I found a couple of pretty shells to bring back too. i love the beach, its so awesome. I noticed that on our long runs on the beath, i end up talking to God, its like a perfect place for it almost. You almost feel connected there.
10-5-03~ Yesterday i went to The edge w/ meg and erica. it was pretty cool, worship and praise w/ a rockish type band. its funny, almost what they were talking about how we worship so many tiny, little idols. and its so true. and yesterday when i was on the beach i read my bible there and this is one of the verses that pretty much smacked me in the head.. Colossians 2;20-21 * You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the evil powers of this world. So why do you keep on following rules of this world, such as ' Dont handle, Don't eat, Don't touch'...may seem wise...But they have no effect when it comes to conquering a persons evil thoughts and desires.* ....ouch. but its its so hard. i mean. i've been at the point where i was like i'd never let anything come between me and God...and then stuff weasled its way in...and there are things i dont want to let go, and if i did want to i dont know if i could leave it alone...::shrugs::...but thats where im at right now.
