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So i talked to my sister last night on the phone, and she had tried to use a relaxer on her hair, apparently it didnt work, just made her hair have looser curls like mine. She told our mom, and she had a cow. she was like, why would you do that you have such beautiful hair? well my sis and i were like, well maybe because we were never allowed to do it before. Thats the second time they've made stupid comments like that, like when i had my braids in and they told me they wouldnt help me take the braids out because they've done it *so many* times..well hello, if you have 2 atleast half black children it should be something you EXPECT to do, amd i wrong? i could be, but right now, this is how i feel. i was like yea, so many times...the whopping 5 times i ever had my hair done. this kind of thing upsets me. i never used to think about it, and quite frankly i wish i didnt have to realize it ever, or even think about it now.-sept 22- |
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A friend sent this to me once: *you are not sent here by chance* 'Just think, you're not here by chance, but by God's choosing. His hand formed you and made the person you are. He compares you to no one else. You are one of a kind. You lack nothing that his grace can't give you. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fulfill His special purpose for this Generation.'-Roy Lessin |
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9-30-03* a couple weeks ago i went to a bible study w/ mer, met the group leader girl and learned she was adopted too, and then skipped a week, and then she saw me yesterday in the dining hall and asked me if i was going to go, and so i did. And it was funny bc it was just her and i and at first i was like oh no, cuz the first time i went, i went w/ the mentality that i'd go only if i didnt have to answer anything..lol, this time i was the only one To answer, but it was ok...and then she was like well im kinda excited it is just the two of us cuz i wanted to get to know you, and we talked about our adoptions and everything. And shared some common feelings, and i just told her ya know, how i never even knew that our type of adoption even HAD a name..that it was *transracial adoption* until last year when i had to do a paper for english. and she was like yea she hadn't realized that really either until she went to college, and you were out of you're *zone* where everyone knew that you were adopted, and everyone knew that you're parents were white, and you were pretty much just one of the white kids. at college, no one knows. no one has a clue you're parents are even white, or that you grew up in an all white neighborhood, and that you were the only *minority* in your whole class...and your eyes are opened up to so much at one time, and its hard to deal with, its hard to think about, but it was fun to talk to her about it...cuz its not like i really talk to my sister about it, and cant talk to my parent about it, because they're my parents and no matter what i love them, and if i told them about this, i'd feel terrible telling them that i feel so bad about this sometimes, you know? i mean its how i grew up, its who i am, but then sometimes i wonder who would i have been, who could i have been had i grown up in a more diverse place. They're intentions were wonderful. but as bad as it sounds, they played the *love is colorblind* card, and in a way it is, but the whole world isnt going to love me, and the whole world that im being thrown at, isn't goint to play the same cards. |
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10-8-03~ I talked to my mom tonight on the computer about the ethnicity paper that i have to do for cont. soc. problems. She started to give me like topic ideas, and i had to tell her, no this paper is on like my ethnicity and what it was...and she was like oh, thats a tough. and then said *the mystery of what true ethnicity is lies in the eyes of an adopted child....that you take on the ethnicity of the adopted family*...::breathe..breathe..::its very true. but, i started crying because, i want to know so bad. i want to know what my ETHNICITY really is..defined as -Ethnic character, background, or affiliation. and Ethnic defined as- of or relating to sizable groups of people sharing a common and distinctive racial, national, religious, linguistic, or cultural heritage. Is this so wrong of me to want to know. i feel like it is. i feel bad knowing that its almost like in their heads that i should just take on the ethnicity of them, and be completely satisfied with it. and for awhile, i was, and i fit their little mold. But im older now, and im not the cute little girl w/ brown skin and blond hair..now im some type of minority, that of which i have no clue which one i *belong* to... |
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