Redheaded Ramblings
Paige's Diary Entries...
Early Regency Solace/Worth Vialle/Fortunes/Pattern Daeon/Twins/Lilly Coronation/Pregnancy Motherhood/Marius Lucas/Xanadu
On Motherhood
(In Altamar)I've been trying to sketch here. I can't even find my own essence.
Have I changed that much? Was Merlin seeing me more clearly again than I can see myself?
Does spawning change me at some level that makes me unrecognizable to myself, and to sorcerers?
I don't feel like the same person. My body's rebelling against me. I'm an Amberite, damn it. I should be able to endure and move on, but I find myself winded after a single session against Charge or any of these other knights. I find myself still lurking in the kitchens in the middle of the night, desperately hungry for something I can't even identify until I've sampled half the pantry's stock, and even then I can't sleep. While I never had issue using my charms to my advantage, goddess... These things hurt to carry around.
And on that note, I've no desire... For anything, really. For men, women... nothing. When not driving myself to get past this, to make the twins my focus I can find the... the energy, the heart... to go on, but once they're safe in their beds, all life leaves me. And that I struggle at times to keep them a focus. Gods, I can't handle myself, how in the hells can I guide such precious innocence?
I feel sorry for Dancer, and have apologized profusely. She assures me that she's seen new mothers worse, and that it's to be expected. "At least you're not crying all the time," she answered.
My moods seem to swing on the Unicorn's whim, hidden and mysterious to even the Trumps. They're almost useless... the Trumps, that is. Every draw is fraught with whatever emotion is currently running rough-shod over my mind. Perhaps if I didn't know that I'm a psycho bitch these last few weeks. But even when I can't see it in myself, I can read the others well enough to know what I must be doing. And then, again, it's up to my mood.
I miss Amber and Folly and Fathom. My own bed. My own breasts. My stomach. Lilly and Brennan. Heh, even Cambina's acerbic wit. I miss him, too, but not enough to do anything about it. There's Trumps to hand and I can't be bothered to draw them from my case other than to attempt a reading that I know won't show me anything of relevance.
But then she smiles and he tries to eat something not meant to be eaten, and everything seems right. I love them, but I've burdened too many people with that curse over the years. How can something so delicate, so helpless hope to survive my love?
Paige
On Marius
(Date of conversation here...)What does this trip hold in store for this dark cousin that I don't know who's flirting seems something altogether more than I had seen, or still understand.
Why now when I can't even see myself clearly?
Striking the Tail - King - nrocinU
They say he's been rather introspective since his Mother's death, and that would lead anyone to focus too tight. But Random seems to have pushed him in the right direction. Temptation? Or is this our Great-Granddame? That Marius will cross her, or her will, or destroy something of purity. Does he have it in him? The words and what lay behind the eyes would lead me to believe not, but he is a descendant of Faiella. Cruelty isn't beyond them.
Soldier - noitaripsnI
Duty. The sailor, the son, the Knight Commander. It lends definite strength to his character, but a lack of creativity in accomplishing whatever Random's set him about. Ossian should negate that fault of Marius's if he's capable of accepting the help.
Overlooking the Diamond
Obvious. Isn't every thing about recognizing opportunities? But a reading should be more than the sum of it's parts. It should offer a glimpse, a whole that surpasses. A servant of the crown, given focus by his leige, with opportunity before him, hindered by his lack of vision. What does the future hold? I can't shake the feeling that nrocinU is more than temptation, that it foretells something darker, even in what otherwise is an upbeat reading.
Cambina would tell me that I'm bringing too much to the cards, without letting them tell their own stories. But how can I clear him from my head? One moment he's a cousin, meeting the children, albeit asleep, and sharing some food and company. The next, he's declaring feelings I was blind to. I know better, I should've seen this, but... I didn't. And what did I do? I propositioned him and sent him off with my "favor". Aaargh!
I don't need the complications. I don't want the complications. But...
An equal? A friend? Sigh...
I'm tempted to read this for this relationship, because that's the mindset I had when I rolled the cards. Tail - King - nrocinU? My flirting exposing his feelings. The King's "suggestion" seperating us and the resulting temptations that I'm all too familiar with.
Soldier - noitaripsnI? His willingness to face hardship and focus on it... the strength of a possible relationship. His lack of vision a stumbling block to dealing with me. My relatioships demand creativity, that's for damn sure.
And the Diamond? Heh. The opportunity to leave the burden of his mother's death and find the worth in me? More likely the opportunity to run from temptation and save his sanity.
Paige
Last updated 01/17/2005 - Created. Comments?
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