Redheaded Ramblings
Paige's Diary Entries...
Early Regency Solace/Worth Vialle/Fortunes/Pattern Daeon/Twins/Lilly Coronation/Pregnancy Motherhood/Marius Lucas/Xanadu
6 Archer
(After the Coronation Masque)Alright, he was right. He is an asshole. It doesn't make it any easier to hate him, or harder to love him. I think we really talked more tonight than since before he told me about Maestro.
Maestro, what den of vipers did you leave in Uxmal that Brennan will barely speak of it? Troublemaker, why didn't we just find Reid and Trump her back? Or is her being there somehow safer? Is she learning something we need to know? Are they enemies or allies?
Enemies. I wish he were my enemy. Well, alright... No I really don't. I can't blame him for loving her, and I asked him to tell her such, didn't I? It's just that when he controlled the whole conversation so well, to slip like that... If I credited him with more malice I'd think he did it for no more reason than to drive his point home.
Homes? Like Brennan's in Uxmal, where ever the Unicorn might've found that. Damn Brennan's eyes. I told him I had only just heard of Ossian's papers tonight. No matter what games I might play in Court, I'm forward enough with my grandmother's line. He must know how I felt about his Father and assume I see him as something... I don't know what. He's my cousin, one that might've been used, as Martin was, how could I support Maestro?
Used like the asshole was. It's rare moments like tonight that I wish my uncle would've finished the job. Of course I'm not sure I'd be here to appreciate it then. Goddess! My mood has turned dark. It's like Folly once suggested, sometimes its dissonance other times earth (and heart) shattering harmonies. I was I could walk the ghost city, and see the futures that Cambina has seen there, that I might get some sort of insight that would save me from moments like these.
And while I'm on such a point... "The Tir Project"? WTF?!? I'm almost afraid to ask my father. Will Tir be the saving grace of Amber now that we've lost our reflection of the Pattern? Lost might be a stretch. Perhaps it's that Corwin's stolen it. Sundered it from it's home in the basement. Corwin's stolen our Pattern, so what will the King and Aunt Fiona find?
And what was Folly sent to find? Well, I suppose the asshole was sent, but I mean really� She seems to be much more over "Syd" than she claims. Perhaps she�s putting on the brave face for everyone else� for Syd�s sake. I mean, what�s she going to say, �Hey, since you�re kinda unavailable I�m gonna bang your son, OK?� �Drummers are great and stuff, but now I�ve got me a guitarist.
Wonder what role Raven will play. His mother�s orchestration will be something to hear� My Aunt definitely doesn�t seem to like Tayanna. Maybe I�ll have to wheedle some of that from Brennan. We really haven�t talked, not about family. Not about Maestro.
It was the beginning of the end. My blindness over Maestro, the @sshole�s hiding it from me. But what did he expect. If I didn�t love my uncle, I was sure as Hell deeply infatuated. I loved the asshole. So what happens when one man you love sets you against the other. This isn�t some petty triangle or something the cards will puzzle for me. Why am I rehashing this? Why, after his death is he still pulling my strings?
Prescience vs. Conscience. Cambina says it time and time again. They show you what you bring to them� What if I didn�t bring enough? What if this is for we Clarissi as a whole? Or the �Project�?
Peasant-Spring-Tail � Strengths of the past, new growth of the line and new abilities, underestimating the undertakings?
Fiona-dnarB � My aunt�s skill and my uncle�s failure, for and against.
Uxmal � In the balance, for me as well as Brita, I feel. There�s a reason I found that Trump, and it�s not only because I went looking.
How could he even say, �If it was only�� Asshole
Why does my mind keep diving into those waters? My Rebman is gone, along with my best friend. But I�m not alone, never again it would seem for a moment�s lack of thought. Damn girl, you�ve got to think more. Of course that�s what you did tonight, right? You thought. You listened and didn�t fight. Keep it up when you speak to Brennan about Maestro... Brand. Damnit! If I keep glamorizing him, I keep that idolized image, and I�ve been abused enough by it.
Brand. Raven�s father. Perhaps he�ll be easier to talk to, but what are the chances of that?
�I already did�� Well I�m glad something good came out of our relationship, asshole. And the part that sucks? I love her too much to be spiteful. Him too, the asshole.
And what was with his underwater cousin, Jerod? He was almost bearable. I don�t know if I like him that way. It puts me off my guard. Might be the whole intention, but if it works, I can�t pass the opportunity. He�s not as well placed as he was before the Bellum fiasco, but now that Rebma�s back in the mix, perhaps he�s better. What am I writing? Why am I playing these games? Amber�s but a shell, a Shadow and I�m worried for my place in it.
And the asshole�s off on another trip to patch Shadow. Aunt Fiona once claimed that Uncle Corwin destroyed a Shadow. Tore it asunder. Maybe that�s it. Maybe Shadows are giant Images, like the Trumps, and this one is torn like Martin�s card, leaking its lifeblood of Pattern fluid in great puddles among the neighboring Shadows. Picturesque.
Like Dara and Raven. She plays a good role, and he a pretty assistant. And they call me a drama queen. Bah.
�Just the twins�� Damn him. I might�ve been able to keep it under control. But saying� THAT. Asshole. And what the in the seven hells is with �when we�d fight again�? He can learn from his mistakes, but apparently I can�t? B@stard. I didn�t argue tonight. I�ve learned, but there�s no tomorrow. The future� the future is not decided by the present, but by the past... Today one can only pray that the past hasn�t poisoned the future.
Tomorrow, tomorrow'll be hell. Tonight, I just want some sleep...
Paige
On Pregnancy
(Winter in Clarissa)It's a bitch, but no matter my whining, I'm happy. Happy that I'm making something lasting. Happy to have someone to share this existence with. I guess I won't be able to complain about how Troublemaker did his job. I'll admit that it's a bit harder for me to lose children in Shadow for a century or so, and he'd have to admit it too...
It's progressed apace with the seasons as we came from Amber, and I've shared with Ambrose my fears. Father didn't seem keen on the idea of the twins making their appearance here in Clarissa. I worry that their birth here may give Grandmother some control over them. Too young to have a sense of self, what happens when they're intorduced to a world where the very rules are the whims of its creator.
Side note: What's that mean to Merlin. Is his sense of self molded by the Duchess? The Duchess Borel, Lady Dara. Sounds like Lewis Carroll. Not the cute cartoon that Disney popularized of little Alice's trip, but the ugly woman who nurses the pig and has an inane moral for most any situation or saying.
Paige
Last updated 03/05/2004 - Created. Comments?
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