Redheaded Ramblings
Paige's Diary Entries...
Early Regency Solace/Worth Vialle/Fortunes/Pattern Daeon/Twins/Lilly Coronation/Pregnancy Motherhood/Marius Lucas/Xanadu
Day One
(End of the second year after the Sundering)Ha, well I suppose it's not really, but perhaps it will be. The first day of a the beginning of the end. I haven't written like this since, Unicorn knows when, but I have to get some of this off my chest and don't know where to go. Folly? She'd be there for me, that I know without a doubt, I hope. Last night falling asleep in her arms, it seemed like the world was gone, and everything was as it should've been. This morning, well� that's another story.
This being the first day after Paige's breakdown, during the Interregnum following the death of Oberon Rex, in the period known as the Patternfall War�, as Cambina the Historian would put it, I suppose. She comes off, well... not to over use a phrase, but "spooky". It's the cards and her insight to them, nothing more, yet she continues to produce such effects long since the cards have lost their feel. Another place I've failed the family.
That's what this is all about, losing things I'm close to. The cards, Father, him, even Maestro. I still have moments where I can't reconcile the man who almost killed him with him. 'There must be another Brand, perhaps a Shadow, or such�' but it's just a denial of the truth, like the idea that he and I might've been happy.
Damn it. It all goes back to Maestro, and well maybe further... Papa?
Damn it. I need someone to talk to and they're all gone. I can't burden Folly, it's not her charge�When the darkness falls
And the night has claimed the light
My thoughts turn to youPaige
Day Too
Suicide Watch! Can you believe that fucking cripple wants me watched so I don't kill myself? What kind of bullshit is that? And he had them search my room like I'm some sort of criminal, like I can't take responsibility for my own actions.
Like I couldn't take care of it without drugs or a weapon... But why the hell would I want to do that? I've got all of Shadow to live for. There's got to be someone out there who will accept a slut as their wife, no?
SLUT
Hell, I was almost better off with Sam, but I suppose he's gone now, too. Like all beautiful things, ephemeral. Like my love.
How can I make him understand? How can I tell him what he means to me? How can I think he'll even want to speak to me? How? How? HOW?
Love for sale to all
Yet never for the one who
Like life deserves it.Paige
Day Four
It seems most of the family's willing to move on with this. But I don't know where to turn, I've spent my life accepting what love others could give. Why do ask so much more from him?
All I had to do was tell him that Violet was too much like me. That it looked like I wasn't giving him something he needed, and I couldn't care less if he was sleeping with Folly or Solange or Cambina even. Why does he do this to me? Why do I get so wrapped up in this ONE MAN? It's never been like this, not with Bart, nor with Alain, hells... not even with Maestro. It's like the rational part of my mind disappears when he's near.
Equal? Friend? Lover? If so, why can't I treat him so?
Paige
Well, that went well. Ossian accompanied me for a walk on Kolvir. He's so sweet, and almost naive at times, but I can't believe he knows as little as he puts forth. He's blindingly sensitive to have the skill he does with the brush. Of all my relations� Ha, ha� well I suppose Folly and Ossian, perhaps Cambina and Solange. Powers. I suppose we are. But if so, why can't I control it? Why does someone else hold that aspect?
The longest evening
Brings the shortest of respites
From the waking hurtPaige
Day Six
The LONG awaited meeting with the Regent. Well, it could've been worse. Seems that I'm to be the first out on the newest voyages, the better to get me out of town while the buzz dies down� and he apparently has no intention of removing me from the courts. He's taking the Prince from me, but I suppose I can think of something to keep my rooms there. He's forbidden me to speak with him. That's not really an issue now is it?
Paige
Day Twelve
Two days until the Princess' Charge sails. I know I'm in a foul humor, but I can't seem to help it at moments.
A whisper of tears
Why, if one were to choose love,
Such exquisite painPaige
What would I be without her? I've over a century of cynicism and jaded views that somehow wash away at her touch, fears that run from her voice, and love that blooms like spring to the light of her smile.
Not knowing myself
Your gentle touch brings the light
To reveal my truthOf course, her love, freely given makes it harder for me to divorce myself from everything, but perhaps that's the reason. I wish I could ask the cards, but Cambina would tell me that I'd be �reflecting� too much. But I'd like to believe Folly. I'd like to be defined by my love. I love her.
Paige
Day 214
I just want to die some times. I'll sit atop Kolvir and wonder what they all would say when they found my body washed up on the beach after the fall. There are enough rocks that they might not find me. To be alone and content, it seems the ultimate bliss.
Paige
Day 315
In nothing but light, do the seabirds dance. Light atop the feathered clouds and light beneath their feathered wings.
Paige
Day 379
Is this getting tedious yet? We spoke at the monument. Gods, Ossian's wonderful. Perhaps too much so because the catharsis was too much for me. It comes to the idea that we'd both like to be friends, but apparently I don't know how to be that. Maybe with anyone other than Folly.
Paige
Day 380
Well, I'm sorer than hell. New rule: No riding after fights with Martin. M A R T I N. There it is... MARTIN See, I CAN say it.
I hate you, Martin.
I love you, Martin.
I hate you, Paige
Day 392
Back to sea. I like this. I'm productive, I'm doing something. And Worth, well he's good company. I know why Solange is so wonderful. It's hard to look him in the eye at times, knowing that my time with Rein led to the death of his son and the suicide of his Grace. I don't think he's ever known my role in my father's plans and well, I'm not the one to tell him, not when I'm at his mercy on this ship, even if I am a Royal. Not the sort of man I'd want as an enemy.
Paige
Day 428
No signs of Heerat. Is it gone? Seems to be the way for me. First Father, then Martin, now home.
Paige
Day 432
Perhaps it's me again. Whether it's because I can't focus on finding the place, or if it's just not there, I can't see it and neither can the cards. But in moments it seems so close...
Paige
Day 471
Alain, Alain, Alain... Would that we had what we once did... When we were young and the only fears were your father's disapproval of a minstrel apprentice. The weight of the city didn't drag my heart down. I could be myself as much I was with anyone then, but did you ever know me? I'd think that day at Jones Falls, swimming beneath them, the cool waters washing away the dirt of the ride and then all your inhibitions. I almost let you know that day who I truly was, but then what would you have said? What could you have done? Tried to aid my father's ill-fated coup? You would have only died, and denied your wife of your company. I loved you once, but those days are gone.
Are the feelings?
Paige
Last updated 07/31/2002 - Created. Comments?
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