I finally finished the drawing that I started probably a year ago (it’s been sitting untouched most of the time – it hasn’t me taken that long to draw it) of two little girls who were sitting next to me at the Independence Day parade. I took it into the college today to scan it and Mrs. Wade and Miss Martin saw it and now both want me to do drawings for them. Yikes! I have to remember that I stopped doing commissioned work because I didn't enjoy it. Oh well, I’m already working on one of my neighbor’s kids, so I guess those will come after. It’s more productive than watching TV at night. The only problem is I don’t have a decent light in my house, so I have to drag the kitchen table over by the counter to use the light above the sink. (At this point I’m trying as much as possible to get by on what I already have and not spend money on things like lamps that I will either have to leave behind or figure out how to take home with me.)

Have had a lot of fun the past few days updating my website (but staying up much too late to do it). It was really too much to handle in html alone, so it gave me a chance to get into and use Dreamweaver, something that I've been wanting to do for awhile. I "borrowed" the design from another PCV's website, so I can't take credit for that, but in the last web design class that I attended, that's exactly what the instructor said to do - find a site that you like and borrow liberally! So that's what I did. It was a lot of work converting everything over, but I think it gives the site a more professional appearance.

Have been invited by Bernie's wife to his birthday party at their home this weekend, and also, pending PC approval, will be traveling to St. Maarten next month for the Heineken regatta. When weighing who could go along to St. Maarten, Bernie chose George and I over another guy saying that he supposed we should be allowed to go since we were part of the regular crew. Finally after a year and a half we're making in-roads with this group, although unfortunately it comes with only a few months of service left for each of us. I guess this is reward for being so reliably consistent, showing up every Saturday to race throughout the summer - there were numerous times when Bernie could not have raced without us because we were either the only crew that showed up, or there was only one other person besides us. Never mind that in reality it means that George and I have nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon and everyone else has a life!

Lorena came to visit this past weekend, still determined (as much as we tried to dissuade her!) to move to Antigua after her PC service in Dominica is over. In fact, I think she was even more excited about the idea after she left than before she got here. She is thinking that instead of going with her original idea of a bed and breakfast, that she might want to open a coffee shop/lunch/dessert type of place. She even found a vacant restaurant/bar building down near the cruise ship docks and was darn near ready to buy it right then! I think before she invested in that place though, she would want to look into the neighborhood revitalization possibilities, as it's located above the "Stagger Inn" casino and next door to a vacant lot that often doubles for a trash dump. I would love to see her make a go of it though; whatever can be done to clean up and add some class to St. John's is desperately needed, and there is a tremendous lack of the sit down and relax and have a cup of coffee and chat with friends type of places around the island, so I think that would be well-received (I wish she would have opened it a year ago!) Anyhow, her assignment finishes up in April, so she very likely will be out here before I leave this summer.

Another 1st place finish for the Huey Too - this time in the Jolly Harbor Valentines Regatta. It consisted of 5 races sailed over 2 days, and we had 3 1sts, 1 2nd, and 1 3rd place finish, for an overall 1st in our class. Yesterday we had a light drizzle all day, but today we got drenched, even though it looked like the sun might come out in the morning. We also had unexpectedly high winds yesterday, so today we brought in "Saxman", a large Antiguan with the eyesight of an eagle, to add some additional weight to the boat. I'm not sure that the plan worked though, because we sailed much better yesterday. Anyhow, it was a fun time in spite of the weather.

The party at Bernie's Friday night was quite nice with his wife Sue preparing a wonderful meal for everyone. I think it was just very nice to be included in a social gathering outside of our PC circle. I wish it would happen more often.

After nearly a 6-month break, we finally last week re-started the computer training classes for teachers and principals of the primary and secondary schools. I've really been worn down by all the walking in the heat and rain and mud all over the island and back, sometimes in the past to as many as 3 different locations in a day, so I was dreading the walk up to the Ministry building twice per week after working all day at the college and/or ABIIT. However, through a combination of miscommunication, schedule changes, and excellent timing, I was unable to teach the course on the days and location that I had been scheduled. So as an alternative, I suggested that we try to utilize the new lab at the college. It could not have worked out better if it had been planned this way. The lab is beautiful, with 20 brand new computers, and I don't have to travel anywhere - I'm already there. It's perfect. We had everyone come in the week before for an evaluation and I decided to start the class with the students who have no prior computer experience; for the first 2 weeks it's just us. We're doing mouse and keyboarding practice, and learning the very basics of using a computer. So far it's going quite well and I think the students appreciate the special attention. In the third week we'll bring in those who have some experience and pick up with Windows file management, Internet basics, and Word. The course has been very well received, with the classes filling quickly. I think we're teaching 5 separate classes this term and I believe that they're all about filled to capacity. This class is scheduled to go through June, and then I don't know what will happen after that as the trainers (me, Jim, and Lansana) will all be leaving.

Joan (our island Program Manager) returns from PST in St. Lucia today which means that the fate has been set (at least the next 2 years worth) for EC74, the newest class of volunteers to come to the Eastern Caribbean. I don't know how many total there are in the group, but we're expecting 5 or 6 of them to come here. They arrive next Saturday. At my recommendation, my neighbors the Irishes will be a host family and then after the 6-week homestay period ends, their volunteer will move into the apartment on the first floor of their home. (We were the last group to have to find our own housing - starting with EC72, Joan and the PCV's counterparts are responsible for locating suitable housing for new volunteers.) So I'll have another volunteer living directly across the street from me. I hope they come to appreciate how lucky they are to be placed with this family. The host family can play a huge role in the successful integration of the volunteer, or they can be completely ineffective. Julia is so excited; I'm sure they'll make wonderful hosts.

Vacation approved - we're going to St. Maarten!

What do I know? I know I am here because I am supposed to be here. My life had stalled and I needed to refocus. It was time for me to awaken from my slumber. I felt the ache inside, the longing – but I didn’t know what for. I only knew that what I had, who I was being, what I was doing – was not enough. There was more, but more of what?

So I am here now. The life I had interrupted – changed, renewed? I have to go back, but I can’t go back unaffected. To go back and attempt to resume right where I left off would have meant that these 2 years were wasted. How am I changed? What have I learned? What is the value that I have gained that I will take back with me?

We are what we know and what we know we have learned – that is, it is not real. Cultural differences are not real. How can they be? How can 2 people believe and live in 2 different ways, and yet for each they are right? They can’t. It isn’t real. It is only surface dressing. So what is real? That which makes us the same. The needs, the heart-felt desires, the longings of the soul, the beauty, the passion, the sincerity and gratitude, compassion, and love. Artistic, creative expression – God’s talents expressing through individuals.

My reality is my art – the vision in my mind’s eye, the outpouring of Spirit guiding my hand to create an image of beauty – not for compensation or accolades, that taints it and turns the process of joyous expression into tedious labor. But simply – to take what is inside and share it with what is outside. To manifest my faith in God’s presence in me, working through the instrument of my mind, my vision, my body.

I know that integrity, above all else, is essential, not only from myself, which hardly needs to be stated, but for myself as well. That is, in the persons that I choose to be my friends, my colleagues, my family, my lover, my clients, boss, coworkers – the people that I choose to be in my life. If they don’t already possess this quality, I must make it apparent the importance that it has to me. If they are unable to heed my request (demand?) then I make the choice to limit or curtail my relationship with them. I choose the players in my life and I choose those who offer love and honesty and who practice giving without the expectation of gain.

I choose to fill my life. I enjoy the variety of experience that life offers. To be active, to be healthy, fit, and busy. To enjoy the beauty and serenity of the outdoors as well as the safe, secure haven of home.

I vow never to be chained by drudgery. Never to be just getting by – scraping for the minimum necessities to sustain life. I live in prosperity and abundance, comfortable and happy, with charity in my heart. I never lack in my life or in my love. God’s abundance fills my life and the friendship of those who love me sustains me.

I am here to refocus. To find God and myself in my soul. To remember the promises of my life. To learn to love the way love is meant to be. To find beauty wherever it exists. In everything. To notice the simplicity of life – those things that I want to be in my life and those that I can do without. To learn to let go of the things and people that are out of my control – letting others take responsibility and care of their own lives, as much as it hurts me to watch.

To be isolated here from my church community was not what I thought I needed at this time. I still doubt that this has progressed me further than had I remained or been allowed to find a comparable group here. But perhaps this sojourn was only a minimal and temporary setback (if indeed it was), and worth the price of the self-examination and reflection that replaced it. I do know that I long to return into the embrace of my Unity family. Maybe that too was stalled – I was holding back and to truly appreciate and be able to throw myself into the community of spirit, I had to lose it for a while.

As much as I try to attain the feeling that this is my life, I can’t get past the feeling that my life is on hold and that my real life resumes when I return home. There is too much here that I feel is out of my control. Too much impermanence, no roots, too few friendships, too much inconvenience, too much that I dislike, too much that I have to accept as is. Too much that is different. “If you put blinders on, this place can be quite beautiful.” (My own words.) I can’t live that way, looking only at what I want to see. Living in the Now is difficult when living in the Now is a daily struggle. But I guess that’s the point. Living in the Now is easy when life is wonderful. The challenge then is to fill the remaining time as best that I can. To love, to draw, to share, to embrace, to give, to receive. I may never return – what of this place can I take away in my heart?